Adventures in Space
by Threni
Summary: It's HTTYD mixed with the world of Science Fiction (sort of)! Join Princess Astrid, H. Trio, and a host of others as they battle the evil Federation, led by the equally evil Supreme Leader and Lord Dagur, and learn about the mysterious ways of the Torque! Please read, review, and don't take too seriously!
1. The Cartoon Preceding the Main Feature

**The Day Dragon Fruit was introduced to Berk**

Ruffnut burst into her house excitedly. "Hey brother! Look what I just acquired from Trader Johann!"

Tuffnut eyed the object in his sister's hands. "What's this? A fancy looking fish?"

"No! It's called Dragon Fruit!"

Tuffnut was delighted. "There's a fruit named after dragons? Cool!"

"I know!"

"Very colorful too. I didn't know fruit looked like this. Where'd Johann get it from?"

"Who cares? Shall we eat it?"

"Yes, let's—wait!" Tuffnut held up a finger. "You know what would make it even better? What would make it the most amazing fruit in existence, sister? Let's boil it!"

"Boil fruit? Sounds good to me! But we'll have to get the skin off first."

"All right, you get the skin off and I'll get the water going."

As they went to work they began to speculate what the Dragon Fruit would taste like. As they talked about it they started, unintentionally but in a habit forming way, to refer to it simply as the 'Dragon', rather than the 'Dragon Fruit'.

"Ha! The Dragon sure looks weird with no skin on."

"Wonder what it'll taste like when boiled."

"The water's ready!"

"And the Dragon's all ready to be put in it!" Ruffnut announced.

"Stand back, sister of mine! Enjoy your hot bath, Dragon!" Tuffnut grinned as he prepared to toss the fruit into the pot from a distance of five paces. At that moment Astrid walked in.

"Hey guys, have you seen Stormfly? I can't find her any—"

"Hey Astrid!" Tuffnut cried, not listening to her question, "We've just skinned the Dragon and now we're gonna boil it and eat it! Want some?"

.

Snotlout and Fishlegs were playing Maces and Talons, with Hiccup watching, when a loud series of screams suddenly jolted them out of their concentration.

"Dear Odin, what's that?" Snotlout exclaimed.

They listened for a moment.

"Sounds like Astrid is attacking the Twins again," Fishlegs observed.

They listened another moment, shrugged their shoulders, and went back to their game.


	2. And Now

And Now For Our Feature Presentation


	3. A Short Time From Now

A short time from now, in a spiral galaxy 2.4 million light years away, give or take 100 feet…


	4. Opening Crawl

**ADVENTURES IN SPACE**

 **EPISODE 13.5**

" **The Moon of Eren'dor"**

It is a period of Civil War, which are never civil.

A conglomeration of SEPRETISTS have broken

from the sinister FEDERATION and established

their own government. Both sides wage war for

dominance across the stars.

.

DAGUR, the feared face of the FEDERATION,

has just inflicted a seemingly devastating loss

upon his enemy with the capture of PRINCESS

ASTRID, one of the SEPERATIST leaders.

.

But it may be that the Princess has plans of her own,

Plans that, if successful, could mean complete

victory for her people and the restoration

of peace and freedom to the galaxy…

.

But I think they'd be content just to restore it

to a few planets. After all, the galaxy is a

pretty big place, and promising peace and freedom

to _all_ of it might be a bit too ambitious. I mean, most

governments can't even give peace and freedom

to a _country_ , let alone to an entire galaxy…

.

Oh, and I Own Nothing, all Rights Reserved!

PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!


	5. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

This story opens in Outer Space. But you already knew that. Or you would surely have suspected it, at least, for you must have seen the title or else you would not have decided to look at this story, and since the title clearly says "Adventures in Space" you would naturally expect this story to take place, at least partially, in Outer Space. It would indeed be foolish to title a story "Adventures in Space" and confine it exclusively to a planet, such as Neptune or Earth, unless the title was intended to be symbolic or ironical. Poe would not have titled his poem "The Raven", for instance, had the featured fowl been a kookaburra or a Great Auk. Permit me to say, therefore, that since the title reads "Adventures in Space" you may trust that this story's setting includes that particular and specific location.

So, as I was saying, this story opens in Outer Space. Not on the sea, on dry land, underground, inside a building, or the open air, but in the vastness of Space, the Final Frontier, as they say. Through said vast reaches of Space languidly drifted the _Shattermaster_.

She was a great spaceship. By 'great' I mean in terms of size, not in terms of appearance, for she looked very much like a giant slice of pizza, baring the unappetizing gray hue that defined her appearance. She was the flagship of the Federation Fleet, and housed some of the most distinguished members of her government and military from time to time.

A courier marched smartly down one of the many long corridors. He was the very image of what a messenger should look like: his body was stiff and erect, his clean shaven chin pointed up, his hands behind his back, not a wrinkle, tear, or piece of lint on his smart black uniform, his cap on straight, and his steps made in perfect rhythm with a watch, and he carried about him an air of haughty, stuck up self-importance.

He approached the door to the Conference Room. Only those with the highest security clearance were allowed in here. A sign on the door read:

"Top Secret Meeting in Progress! No Admittance!"

The messenger felt a thrill at the thought that a top secret meeting was being held just a few feet away from him, with only a descended door in between them. He saw he was alone in the corridor so, suddenly and readily, he gave into temptation and eagerly pressed his ear against the door. From this position he could hear:

"Now, does anybody have any brick?"

"Nope."

"I do."

"Would you trade two sheep for it?"

"Nope. I'll only trade it for wood."

"Done. Now, I'm going to build a settlement here…I'm going to build a road here…and I'm going to trade in this wheat for a wood."

"Right, my turn. Five. I get two bricks. I'm done."

"Seven." There were several groans as he then said with gleeful maliciousness, "Well, well, where shall I put the robber now? How about on this six?"

The eavesdropper could not comprehend what they were talking about or how any of it was top secret. Clearly this discussion was so secret they were using only code words. Or perhaps the commanders were discussing construction projects.

He suddenly decided he had risked enough. He pressed a button on the wall. A surly voice on the other end said "What?"

"I was sent to inform you, sir, Lord Dagur's shuttle has arrived and he will be joining you shortly."

"Yeah, fine, thank you."

The messenger paused a bit taken aback, decided he had discharged his duty, and turned to leave. But he gave into temptation again and again pressed his ear to the door.

"So, my turn….rolled a two…how often does _that_ happen?"

"No kidding!"

"So does anyone actually get anything?"

"Doesn't look like—WAIT A MINUTE! LORD DAGUR'S COMING?"

The messenger would have heard that shriek even had he not been eavesdropping. It startled him so much he nearly jumped out of his finely pressed suit, turned tail and sped away.

The men in the Conference Room hurriedly put away the cardboard map and the pieces on it and pulled out pads of paper. One of them said in a loud and official sounding voice, considerably different from the tone he had been using earlier, "Now, let's move onto the financial reports…General So's, if you please?"

"Certainly, Vice-Admiral. Our missile expenditure last season amounted to—"

At that moment, with a menacing hiss, the door rose and in walked a ferocious looking man, as intimidating as a great wolf. Dressed in thick brown armor, with several scars and tattoos on his face, he walked, or more correctly stomped, into the room, glaring at everything with eyes hard as iron. Even a brave man would have wilted under such a gaze.

The Officers at once got to their feet while trying to disguise their fears, and raised their pinky fingers in salute.

"Health and Wealth to Lord Dagur!"

Lord Dagur grinned. He loved seeing people nervous in his presence. He made for the head of the table and sat down. Once this was done, the others resumed their seats and breathed a little more freely.

"First order of business?" Lord Dagur said in a sneering voice.

"My Lord, the ambassador from—"

But he got no further when the door unexpectedly opened again and the ambassador himself furiously burst into the room.

"YOU-SA IN BIG DOODOO THIS TIME! WE-SA NOT BE—!"

Lord Dagur casually pulled out a ray gun and shot him in the head. The ambassador flopped onto the floor.

"No klutzy comic-relief salamander things on board _my_ vessel!" he announced.

Those around him started laughing with relief.

"Shut up."

The laughter died at once.

Lord Dagur stroked his lip and frowned. "Who let that lizard onto this ship anyway? I never made it known I wished to speak with those morons!"

All gazes and fingers pointed to the secretary, who was busy recording the minutes. He paled.

"Sir—Lord Dagur—I merely thought that—well, he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, so I thought—"

"I don't pay peons to think." Lord Dagur growled. "It's a very bad habit."

"Sir, I knew you would take care of him! I had every faith in your ability to handle idiots like him!" the man squeaked.

"I find your faith disturbing." Lord Dagur gestured to his security guards. "Take him away and…make him watch _Batman and Robin_!"

The guards dragged the unfortunate secretary away screaming. "NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Lord Dagur just laughed loudly. He looked about him. "Well?"

The others in the room laughed, more nervous than enthusiastic, but Lord Dagur did not care about the distinction.

"Good!" He leaned back in his chair. "Now to the real business—Vice Admiral Vorg, that secretary was hired by you, yes?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good. You can take his place."

"But sir, I'm Vice-Admiral of the—"

"Do you want to watch the movie with him, sir?" Lord Dagur asked. A dangerous glint was in his eyes. "You _know_ what people are like after I subject them to those movies. Remember your predecessor when he failed me for the last time."

The man in question was still in a coma after Lord Dagur had, two years prior, forced him to watch the _Garbage Pail Kids_ movie. Vice-Admiral Vorg dutifully picked up a pen and began to record the minutes. Lord Dagur smiled, very pleased with himself. It was a good morning.

"Now, then: is Princess Astrid secure in her cell?"

The men around him nodded in unison.

"Guards posted?"

More nodding.

"Doors locked and bolted?"

More nodding.

"Restraints secured?"

More nodding.

"The interrogators at work on her?"

More nodding.

"Which interrogators were they, remind me?"

"I put Nut 1 and Nut 2 on the job, Lord Dagur."

Lord Dagur grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together. "Good! Well done General—" he looked at the General's name badge. "S-O-S?"

"It's prounced So's, sir. As in it rhymes with sews." He sounded weary of explaining this.

"Whatever. So Nuts 1 and 2 are with Princess Astrid, are they? Boy, I'd hate to be her! She'll be _begging_ me to show her a bad movie by the time _they're_ done with her! Mwahahaha! Now she's gonna get it! Evil laughs, everybody!"


	6. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"This is terrible!" Nut 1 whispered to Nut 2, "She won't talk! We've tried the awful music, the expired yogurt against the nose didn't work, and when we tried to shove a carrot down her throat she chewed it up and spat it out!" she pointed to the mushy orange remains on the floor. "Now it's an ex-carrot! And when we suggested forcing her to sit through economic lectures, she just laughed at us! And did she respond when we asked nicely? No! Oh, what are we going to do? If Lord Dagur shows up and we've got nothing, he'll—"

"He'll deactivate us, send us to the spice mines of Kettlerang, smash us into who knows what, and then he'll get _angry_!" Nut 2 gasped.

"Or force us to watch every episode of _Barney_ and watch us self-deactivate! Either way we're doomed!"

Nuts 1 and 2 were in fact androids, designed to resemble humans and endowed with human intelligence (relatively speaking), but they were still essentially machines and had been programmed with a strong fear of deactivation.

They were speaking in a corner. In the center of the room was the prisoner, Princess Astrid, restrained to a mechanized chair. Her lovely blond hair was a disheveled mess and the restraints were digging into her skin but on the whole she seemed none the worse for wear, for a prisoner under interrogation.

Nut 2, the male android, went over to her. "You know, I'm impressed. You've resisted our best efforts to extract information from you."

"Maybe you should rethink your technique. Why not try the direct approach?"

"All right. What was your ship doing in Outer Space?"

"Moving."

"We know that!" Nut 1 exclaimed, "Why were you traveling through this territory? This is Federation turf. Why were you here? Where was your escort? Why didn't you flee before we activated the tractor beam? I almost think you _wanted_ us to capture you!"

"You know we'll find the answers sooner or later." Nut 2 added, "You know we can take whatever we want."

"Not true," Astrid said, "You'll never take away my humor."

Nut 2 groaned. "She's right!"

"Or my pride."

Nut 2 abruptly started wailing. "I suddenly feel so incompetent!"

"Or my sense of morals,"

"Lord Dagur's gonna deactivate me!"

"Or prevent me from crying. You'll _never_ take away my tears!"

Nut 2 covered his ears and moaned out loudly to drown her out.

"Enough of this!" Nut 1 shouted, " _What_ were you doing when we caught you?"

"Trying to get away."

"Will you stop giving me straight answers!"

They stared at her.

"I mean, will you _start_ giving me straight answers!"

Astrid took a dramatically deep breath. "All right. If you must know, I was out here trying to visit some of Lord Dagur's relatives."

The two Nuts looked at her eagerly. "His relatives?"

"Yeah. There was a Sir Loin of Pork, Moron of Boron, Rufus Doofus and his wife Ima, and Queen Mala the Chuckwalla of Valhalla. And his nephew Sven." She paused and lowered her voice. "Oh, and there was a contact I was told to meet."

Nut 1 had been jotting these names down. "Go on!"

"I was told to find the Hamm City Orchestra on Planet Muckerducker. I was to locate the man playing Second Fiddle. He would direct me to the Stringed Bass section. The man I wanted played First Stringed Bass."

Nut 2 leaned forward eagerly. "Who were they? Give us the name! Who was playing Second Fiddle?"

"Yew."

" _Me_?" Nut 1 exclaimed.

"No, Yew."

" _Me_?" Nut 2 exclaimed.

"No, Yew."

" _Me_?" both of them exclaimed.

Astrid smiled serenely. Nut 1 caught on.

"Oh, you think you're _so_ funny! Now tell the truth! What's the name of the man that was playing First Bass?"

"No, _Who's_ on First!" Astrid burst out laughing.

The Two Nuts looked at each other. "I don't get it."

"Me neither."

"Well, you can take all that to Lord Dagur and tell him I said 'hi'." Astrid said cheerfully. Deep down, of course, she was very worried. The jokes would end if anyone else came in to interrogate her.

At the mention of Lord Dagur's name, Nut 2 pulled himself together while pulling on sinister looking black leather gloves. "Right, that does it. We're going to have to get… _nasty_. Nut 1, you had better leave. What I'm about to do isn't suitable for a she-male android's optic sensors."

"What are you going to do?"

"It's better if you don't know the details. Why don't you go see what General Eret is doing?"

She brightened at the suggestion. "All right." And, apparently never considering what would happen if Lord Dagur showed up while she was gone, she left.

Nut 2 turned to Astrid. "You're truly a hard nut to crack. A tough nut indeed. I did not want to have to do this, but you have forced me to take extreme measures." He noticed her trying to shift her position. He smiled sadistically. "Comfortable?"

"That's a relative term, but sure, you could say that. In fact, before you do whatever you're planning to do, I've got to say, this is the most comfortable prison chair I have ever been in."

"What?" Nut 2 cried. Forgotten were his dastardly intentions, whatever they were. Androids _have_ been noted for their distractibility. He went to check the monitors. "Can't be! All the settings are on 'Total Agony'!"

"There must be a bug in the system. I mean, do I look like I'm in 'Total Agony'?" She most certainly did _not_. She looked more like someone reclining in an easy chair.

"I can't believe it. No wonder our efforts to extract information haven't paid off!" He bit his lip, trying to work out how to fix this mess. "You're sure you're not in extreme pain?"

"Very sure. Maybe the chair is faulty."

"I'd better take a look for myself." He punched a button and the bindings on Astrid's limbs were released. She stood up. He climbed into the chair. "Here, go to the controls and push the big red button, will you?" She did so and the bindings closed again on Nut 2's hands and feet. Within the span of a minute Astrid and her Interrogator had abruptly switched places. "Now, turn the green lever and put it on the 'Near Fatal' setting."

Astrid only pretended to do this. "Anything happening?"

"No! You're right, something is wrong with this chair! I don't feel any pain at all!"

"Perhaps there's a bug in the system. What's the password to get into the main computer?"

"It's 8-20-20-25-4." Nut 2 distractedly replied as he craned his neck around to try to see the chair's headrest.

"Well, while you figure out what's wrong, I'll just be going. That all right?" Astrid asked casually.

"Yeah, sure. Why isn't this thing torturing me? I don't get it." He was so absorbed in the problem he did not even notice Princess Astrid leave the room.

Hardly daring to believe her plan had worked and she was free, she slipped into a nearby equipment storage room and threw on the first crewman's uniform and helmet she found. They fit badly, but it would have to do.

Cool and confident as anyone could be, she made her way down the corridors. The trick to infiltration was to always act as though you knew exactly what you were doing and where you were going. A confused person attracted attention.

"Vogue 1 said the control room was on the third level." She muttered.

Nut 1 had unwittingly come very close to guessing the truth earlier. Astrid _had_ wanted to be captured. It was the best plan the Separatist High Command had been able to come up with.

She made her way to the control room. It was a very large room crammed full of computers and people staring intently at them. Nobody noticed her enter and make her way to an opened computer. She typed in the number code Nut 2 had given her, and with a few more clicks she found what she wanted and downloaded it.

"The map is complete." She thought, hardly daring to believe the ease of her stunning success.

Now all she had to do was get off from this ship and back to High Command. And with any luck, her transport would be arriving any minute.

.

Lord Dagur strutted down the corridor excitedly, followed by an armored guard and officers. The door before him went up and he entered the interrogation room.

"So, Princess Astrid, how are we feeling today—?" he stopped in his tracks when he saw Nut 2 in the interrogation chair.

"—the electrical sparks are still working, the springs are fine, the cushion's a little too soft, I _knew_ we should've bought an iron one instead of velvet—"

"What are you doing?" Lord Dagur yelled.

"I'm trying to fix this stupid chair! I'm not in any pain!" Nut 2 yelled back, without even looking to see who he was talking to.

Lord Dagur went to the controls. "The cord isn't plugged in! You moron, didn't you think to check that?"

"Why would that cord _not_ be plugged in? Who unplugged it?"

Dagur shrugged and plugged it in. Had Nut 2 not been restrained he would have jumped through the ceiling screaming.

" _Oh yes, that is very active now_!"

Lord Dagur switched it off and looked around. "Good. So where's the prisoner? Where's Princess Astrid?"

"She said she would just be going. Man, that was some jolt of pain," he added, a smile of relief coming to his face.

"Oh, she did? All right, we'll go and—" Dagur's face began turning bright red. At the same time Nut 2 realized what was going on and _his_ face turned pale white.

"Oh dear."

Dagur became so angry he could hardly speak. "Why you—you—you stupid little—you—"

"Anger causes high blood pressure!" Nut 2 squeaked.

Lord Dagur whipped out his laser sword, and roaring the words "IDIOT!" slammed it into the chair, sending it and Nut 2 flying into the wall.

"I am very much in pain again! I'm seeing triple!"

"IDIOT!" Dagur screamed as he slashed and hacked at the controls. Sparks burst and pieces flew left and right. He turned to the door, only to find all of his retinue had fled the scene. Furiously, he stormed over to the intercom and bellowed, "This is Lord Dagur! The Princess Astrid has escaped! Lock down the _Shattermaster_ and FIND HER! NOW!"

"And send for a doctor. Lord Dagur's blood pressure is in need of monitoring." Nut 2 added from the floor.

"EVERYBODY IGNORE THAT!"


	7. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

At Separatist Headquarters consternation was in the air.

"What do you mean Snot can't make it to the rendezvous?" General Vast shouted.

"That's what he said, sir!" An aide replied, "He says he stubbed his toe and can't fly his ship now."

Vast was flabbergasted. "Since when does a sore toe prevent you from flying a spaceship?"

The aide shrugged helplessly. "That's what he told me!"

General Vast turned to the other commanders.

"General, Princess Astrid is expecting Snot to get her off the _Shattermaster_. That was the plan."

"I know that!" Vast snapped. "Snot's bailed on us."

"How'd that guy get to be an Ace anyway?" another general spat in disgust. "He should've been court-martialed a dozen times already!"

"Aye, we shouldn't have chosen him for this mission."

"He volunteered for it."

"He only volunteered because he likes the idea of saving the Princess."

"And backed out at the last minute, the coward,"

"Never mind that now." Vast interrupted, "Who else can we send to pick up Princess Astrid?"

The others exchanged anxious glances. One spoke. "As I recall, the plan was to let the Princess get caught, obtain the final piece of the map, escape aboard Snot's ship, and then meet up with the rest of us on Gronkle-5. We've already sent all our Fighters to secure the landing site on Gronkle-5. All we've got here are the Cruisers and transport ships. And they'd be no match against the _Shattermaster_."

General Vast groaned. " _Every_ pilot is gone?"

"Yes sir."

"Astrid could steal a Federation ship," someone suggested.

"She might just do that if we don't come up with something fast, but it'll take some time for her to realize that Snot isn't coming to get her. In that time she could easily be captured for real. The way I see it, we need to send someone to extract her and we need to do it fast."

"And we don't have any pilots available." Vast groaned.

"A moment, please, Mein General!" a man in a wheelchair rolled over to them. I called him a man, but in truth his legs, though largely hidden by his trousers, resembled headless salmon. It was as though someone had cut his legs off and attached the decapitated fish to the stumps. He was a thickset man with a round face and even rounder nose and short blond hair.

"Make it quick, Dr. Ingerman," Vast said.

"We have no pilots available _here_ , but there is a spaceport two parsecs away that would, assuredly."

"And they'll all be mercenaries and bounty hunters," Vast retorted, "They'd sell us all to the Federation and blow the money on drink and dice. And even if one did agree to help, they'd charge us a fortune!"

The Doctor scratched his face with a gloved hand. "Maybe, Mein General, but such pilots that visit that port are superb and daring. And judging at the way the facts line up, do we have a better choice?"

Vast looked around at the others and asked for opinions. Nobody liked the idea of enlisting outside help for this, especially from a hive of galactic lowlifes, but nobody had a better idea.

.

So Dr. Ingerman flew a small shuttle to the space port on the planet Pulagard. He wheeled his way into the local cantina, which was rather ominously named 'Comatose'.

It was as one would expect in this kind of place. Creatures of all sorts and sizes were everywhere. Some looked like oversized bugs, others like hairy slobbery beasts, still others like upright reptiles. There were even combinations of these. All were armed to the teeth and gave the impression of toughness. They were all mercenaries who were used to living hard and fighting indiscriminately. Dr. Ingerman, who was partly intimidated and partly impressed by the many species present, rolled himself over to the bartender. He imagined everyone present was watching him even though none of them seemed to be looking at him.

"Greetings. I need a daring pilot with a fast ship and I need them fast!"

The bartender hardly looked up as he wiped a glass with a dirty rag. "The gin is first class, sir."

Dr. Ingerman handed him some money. A drink was produced, which Dr. Ingerman shoved to the side.

"Very good, sir. Now, you need a fast ship?"

"That's what I said. A fast ship and a pilot who's not afraid to face potential death, dismemberment, torture, violence, persecution, or getting the paint of his ship scratched. Discretion is essential. Anybody here I could hire?"

"Hmm…that's a tough one, sir."

Dr. Ingerman bought another glass of gin.

"Well, sir, as it happens, the _Centennial Condor_ docked here earlier today."

Dr. Ingerman perked his ears up. "The _Centennial Condor_? The ship that can fly 12 parsecs in that many seconds? Here? Wonderful! Who has her?"

"Recently—oh, my mind is so cluttered up with stuff, I think I've forgotten—"

Dr. Ingerman bought a third glass.

"As it happens, I don't know his name, but I do know he's right in the corner over there. Best hurry, though, when he stops here he never stays for long."

Dr. Ingerman wheeled his way over. The man in question was wearing faded brown leather clothes and wore a helmet which covered his entire head. He gave Dr. Ingerman the impression of an unsavory man who was best left undisturbed, but the Doctor was on a mission.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

It was hardly a promising start. "I understand you own the _Centennial Condor_?"

"You do, do you?" the man shifted his weight slightly.

"I'd like to hire you for a one time charter. It'll be dangerous and require discretion, but you'll be paid well for it, I promise you."

The man leaned back in his chair, eying the Doctor from behind his mask.

"What's the job?"

"I'll give you the details when we leave. For now, all I'll say is it involves rescuing a woman." He hoped that would be a good lure. Most mercenaries loved the idea of rescuing women.

The man did not react. He simply said, "From whom?"

"Her enemies." It was not safe to say 'the Federation' in a place such as this cantina. Anybody here might be a Federation spy or supporter, including this man.

The evasiveness did not seem to faze the man. "What's the reward?"

"Fifteen thousand, plus protection from reprisals from her enemies."

"Sorry, but I don't accept deals from strangers."

The Doctor held out his hand. "Dr. Ingerman."

The man shook it. "H. Trio."

"What's the 'H' stand for?"

"Whatever you like. Han, Harold, Harry, Horemheb, Harvey, Hormenphius, I don't care. So, _Dr_. Ingerman, when do we leave?"

"As soon as possible."

"The _Condor_ 's docked in Bay 49. You'll have to take the accessible route. I'll be along in a few minutes."

Dr. Ingerman wheeled away, but hesitated near the bar.

"Say bartender, where's the accessible route to Docking Bay 49?"

"Oh, my poor mind is so tired, I fear I might have—"

But this time, instead of buying another drink, the Doctor turned to Trio, who pointed to the left. Dr. Ingerman nodded, thanked him, and departed. Trio watched thoughtfully.

"Fifteen thousand to rescue a woman? Either she's quite a woman or there's something political going on here." He stood up and made for the door.

And almost at once a green man got in front of him, a ray gun pointed right at his chest. "Going somewhere, _Trio_?"

"Obviously, because I can hardly be going nowhere if I am walking."

"Oh how amusing. You always were a snarky one. But Alvin wants you, his robot, and his ship back. Mostly his ship, of course."

"You can tell him from me he won't get any of them." Trio growled.

The mercenary cocked the gun. "Alvin the Glut wants you back. You can come like this, in pieces, or a body bag. It won't matter to anyone else."

At that moment a red skinned woman with large fangs joined them. "Hold it right there! He's mine, Turmogen!"

"Lady Furnacious!" he gasped.

She grinned nastily. "The same! And I'm taking my buddy Trio home to Alvin!"

"I love you too, Furnacious, but Turmogen was here first," Trio pointed out.

"Yeah, I was here first!"

"And I'm here third!" a small creature that resembled a weasel cried, "He's my prize!"

"Oh shut up, Socket!" snapped Lady Furnacious. "This doesn't concern rodents like you!"

Socket held up a ray gun that was nearly as large as he was. "Say that again and I'll knock those beauties out of your mouth!"

"Now look, guys, there's no need to get angry here." Trio said patronizingly.

"She called me rodent!"

"He's trying to claim my prize!"

" _My_ prize, you mean! I was here first!"

"First the worst, second the best, third the one with the treasure chest!" Socket taunted.

"It's gonna be my treasure chest, you little—"

"I don't have any treasure in my chest," Trio quipped.

"You will when I've shot you!" Turmogen said, "These bullets are expensive, you know!"

"How much?" Socket asked, suddenly interested.

"Six hundred apiece."

"Ooh! How about I kill you and take them?"

"In your dreams, Muffinhead. Now, Trio, come with me right now and everyone else keep back, and I won't have to use any of these very expensive bullets!"

"Who's a Muffinhead?" Socket shouted.

"But Socket was here third," Trio protested, ignoring the outburst.

"So what? It's over for you, boy!"

"Actually, it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings," Trio replied.

"Ooh! Come on, Furnacious, give us a ditty!" sneered Socket. She barred her fangs and snarled at him.

"Nut so fass!" roared a frog like creature that was so tall his head brushed against the ceiling.

"Thob the Slob!" everyone cried.

"Same! An' Ah'm gonna take lil' Three-o 'ere ta me pal Al!"

Trio put his hands on his hips. "Oh yeah? Tell me, Thob, do you still have the death sentence on a dozen different planets?"

"Yeah, so?"

A four legged man joined them. "Special Undercover Agent X Cubed. Did I hear that correctly? This Thob the Slob is a fugitive?"

"He's all yours!" Trio said lightly.

"And you're mine!" Lady Furnacious cried.

"Mine!" shouted Socket. "Mine, mine, mine!"

"Ah'm not goin' nowhere!" roared Thob the Slob.

"Shut up you rat!"

"Are you gonna take that lying down, Socket?" Trio asked.

"Who's a rat?" Socket roared and fired. The shot missed the Lady horribly and instead hit Turmogen in the foot. Turmogen screamed and unintentionally kicked Thob the Slob in the leg. Thob exploded and slammed his fists into the Agent, sending him flying into a table where a few drunkards had been having a drinking contest. With the liquor glasses smashed and the precious liquid lost forever, they furiously charged at the group. A classic barroom brawl broke out. And in the chaos nobody noticed Trio slip out the door, chuckling to himself.

.

He made his way quickly to Docking Bay 49. As he approached his ship he saw Dr. Ingerman on the gangplank yelling at a robot that resembled a black beach ball with a small dome for a head, which was blocking the doorway.

Trio hailed them. "What's going on, Bud?"

" **There you are**!" The robot spoke in a language of growling and whirling sounds. " **I caught this guy trying to sneak onto our ship**!"

"That robot is a menace! It zapped me in mein leg!" Dr. Ingerman cried.

"Take it easy, both of you!" Trio said, "Bud, this is Dr. Ingerman. Doctor, this is 2TH-LS, my best friend, co-pilot, and maintenance/security robot. C'mon, Bud, let us in. I just had a run in with some mercenaries. They were a bunch of lost causes, but this place isn't safe for us anymore."

" **Typical**." The Robot grumbled as he followed Trio down the corridor. " **So what's with the Fishleg man**?"

"He's contracted us for some rescue job. That's why he was trying to get on board."

" **And you didn't think to tell** _ **me**_ **about it**? **I thought he was trying to steal the** _ **Condor**_ **! I was defending our home! And putting up a good defense, I might add.** " The robot proudly added.

"As always." Trio replied, looking at the robot fondly. "Now, let's get out of here!"

As Dr. Ingerman wheeled his way into the cockpit, 2TH-LS rolled over to the wall and, extending some metal appendages, began flipping switches and pushing buttons. Small lights upon the walls and on the dashboard lit up, the engines roared and wheezed, and the seats began vibrating. Trio pulled a lever and the _Centennial Condor_ rose into the air. The buildings below became smaller and smaller, until the ground resembled a conglomeration of children's toys. The _Condor_ steadily rose higher and higher, passing through the clouds, then higher still and rising above them, then so high that the blue sky became hazy and darkened, while stars, hitherto invisible, became brighter and more numerous. And with that the _Condor_ burst out of the planet's atmosphere and entered into the endless realm of Outer Space.

Trio leaned back in his chair, admiring the view. But Dr. Ingerman tapped his fingers impatiently.

" **So where exactly are we going**?" 2TH-LS asked.

Dr. Ingerman simply gave them a set of co-ordinates. "Now can we hurry, please? I thought you said this thing was fast!"

Trio growled in annoyance and pulled on a switch. Nothing happened. He groaned. "The Hyperactive Drive must be out again. Bud, take over." He clambered out of his chair. Dr. Ingerman then noticed for the first time that Trio's left leg, or at least the lower portion of it, was a metal prosthetic. Trio exited the cockpit. Dr. Ingerman and the Robot waited. A few minutes later they heard a yell and the very loud sound of metal slamming against metal. As soon as he heard it, 2TH pulled on the switch and the _Condor_ shot off at the speed of light.

"What happened?" Dr. Ingerman exclaimed.

" **The Hyperactive Drive likes to malfunction. So he gives it a good kick."**

"That method actually works?"

" **More often than you'd think."**


	8. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"You never said we'd be going up against the flagship of the Federation navy!" Trio yelled. They had reached the coordinates given, and before them was the _Shattermaster,_ sluggishly drifting through space like a crocodile in a swamp.

At that moment a static voice came over the intercom. "We have you on our screen now. Identify yourself!"

"I'll handle this," Dr. Ingerman whispered as he repositioned himself. "This is Shuttle U.S.E.L.S, serial number 20101419—"

"' _ **Useless'**_!" 2TH beeped indignantly.

"—requesting permission to dock in Bay B4."

"Before what?" the man on the other end asked.

"No, _Docking Bay B4_! Cargo is 200 cartons of rations for Lord Dagur."

"…We have no listings of such a ship or delivery."

"There must've been an oversight. The clerk for these things is brand new; he probably forgot to file the completed schedule."

Dr. Ingerman spoke very calmly and deliberately, but Trio crossed his fingers.

"…Hmm…but your ship doesn't match the design of our other supply ships."

"That's because we are trying out a new supply ship design," Dr. Ingerman replied, feigning some impatience, "a faster vessel with a greater capacity for cargo. This is its first test."

" _I_ wasn't notified!"

"Do you expect the high command to tell you everything that goes on in the labs?" Dr. Ingerman demanded, letting his exasperation really show now. "Now look, we're on a tight schedule here, and we're also carrying some chocolate bars for Lord Dagur's private supply chest, and if the chocolate level in his bloodstream gets too low and he finds out you're responsible, he'll probably court martial you, assign you to bathroom duty for life, take away your own chocolate rations, and force you to watch _Troll 2_ every night before going to sleep on a bed of nails—and _then_ he'll punish you! Is that what you want?"

"…Permission to dock is granted."

"Thank you." The Doctor switched off the radio, looking both relieved and pleased with his own abilities. "This kind of ruse works every time!"

"The Chocolate level in his bloodstream?" Trio repeated with amusement.

"Who doesn't get unhappy if they haven't had any chocolate recently? Our Ace Pilot Snot swears by the stuff. I could do with some myself, now that I think of it. Now, why don't you take us in?" He moved over to the computer terminal and began typing.

" **And how are we supposed get out**?" 2TH-LS asked, " **They'll just activate their tractor beam**!"

"Easy, Bud. I'm sure the good Doctor has a solution for that," Trio turned to said Doctor, "Right?"

"It will not be difficult, Mein Herr. At this very moment I am uploading my E.G.G. Virus, which will scramble their tractor beam signals. By the time they figure it out and fix it, it'll be too late! So far, so good. Now, once we dock, you just have to get off, find Princess Astrid, bring her on board, and then we get out of here."

"Oh sure," Trio replied sarcastically, "Find a woman I've never met or even seen and expect her to come with me because I ask her to!"

Dr. Ingerman held up his D.U.M.B-Phone and pointed to a picture on it. "That's her."

"A very pretty girl," Trio commented.

"Don't get any ideas. Now, when you find her, say to her 'the Betrothal Necklace is very noticeable',"

Trio and 2TH exchanged glances.

The Doctor groaned impatiently. "Must you question everything? We had to come up with a code phrase the Federation wouldn't think of! They're so obsessed with masculinity, the only woman in the whole government with any authority is Lady Heather, and that's mostly because she's Lord Dagur's sister! Now look, Princess Astrid won't come here because she doesn't know this ship has come to save her and won't know unless one of us tells her. I can't go myself because I'm in a wheel chair, and I don't know if she can understand your robot's dialect, so it's got to be you, Trio! I promise you, we'll pay you well, and if you move fast nobody in the Federation will know you were involved! Is that good enough for you?"

"Oh it's just fine." Trio replied, standing up and strapping on some equipment. "But are you sure she'll be in _this_ particular docking bay?"

Dr. Ingerman could not object to this question because he was secretly worried about it himself. "It was the rendezvous point. Snot, the original pilot was supposed to land here, so unless she's decided to improvise…"

" **Snot**?" 2TH muttered. " **What kind of name is that**?"

As they discussed this, the _Condor_ flew towards the _Shattermaster_. The two living creatures held their breath, but they made it to the docking bay without any incident and landed smoothly.

"Alright. Keep the engines warm, Bud. I'll be back in a jiffy."

He stepped down the gangplank and looked around anxiously. They had only a few minutes at most before they were discovered.

Thus far the only ones in this docking bay were grounds crew and maintenance workers. They were so accustomed to ships taking off and landing that they paid little attention to the _Condor_ , and they were so used to a superior telling them what to do that they would never taken any kind of initiative themselves. Trio felt there was little to fear from them. But once a superior showed up…

And then he spotted a blond head behind a stack of crates.

.

Now Princess Astrid had been waiting anxiously for several minutes, waiting for Snot's ship to show up. Instead an odd looking ship she had never seen before had landed and a masked man had gotten out of it. She had decided something had gone wrong and that she would do better to steal a Federation ship. Her worries heightened when she saw the man approach her hiding place. For several tense seconds she crouched, waiting, and then she sprang up like a deer and ran for it down a corridor which led to a different docking bay.

Trio nearly jumped out of his suit in surprise.

"Wait!" he yelled, cursing as he tried to catch up with the fleeing Princess. They have everyone's attention now, but that could not be helped. "Wait! The Betrothal Necklace is very noticeable! It's very noticeable! Not that you're wearing one, but you get the idea! I'm H. Trio. I'm here to rescue you!"

The Princess Astrid stopped in her tracks and turned around warily. "You're who?"

" _I'm here to rescue you_! I've got Doctor—"

"Nice to meet you, 'I'm here to rescue you', but that's hardly your real name, is it?"

She was a very beautiful woman, Trio thought, before angrily reminding himself to focus. "The name's Trio and I've got Doctor Ingerman with me! He told me to say 'The Betrothal Necklace is very noticeable'! It's very noticeable! We've come to get you out of here!"

She decided to take a leap of faith. "Then why didn't you say so? Let's go!"

"You two aren't going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them. "We've caught you! Now you, Princess Astrid, will be taken back to your cell, and you, whoever you are, we'll shoot you right now."

Trio put up his hands in protest. "Now hang on a minute! Don't I get to make one call?"

"No."

"A last request?"

"No."

"Make a Will?"

"No!"

"Last words?"

"NO!"

"How about a final wish?"

Security Officer Savage groaned. "Oh, fine! What is your 'final wish'? Hurry up and make it—I hate delayed executions!"

Trio drew himself up and said, dramatically, "All right. I wish I was in the land of cotton. Old times there are not forgotten—" suddenly he pointed down the corridor. "Look away!" He motioned with his arm and repeated insistently, "Look away! _Look away_!"

Having been trained to show obedience to orders, especially when they were given in such an authoritative tone, Officer Savage and his troopers all looked away. They saw nothing of importance. And when they looked back, Trio and the Princess were already halfway down the passage and outdistancing them with every step.

"…Dixieland!" Trio finished with a laugh.

"Where is that?" Astrid asked.

"No idea."

A soldier tried to get in their way. Astrid kicked the gun out of his hands and shoved him into a wall.

"Wow. And here I thought princesses just sat around all day sewing and waiting for some prince to come along," Trio remarked. "I'm impressed."

"Not where I come from they don't." she growled. "Take care I don't give you the same treatment!" They reached the Condor and rushed up the gangplank.

"Bud, get us out of here!"

"You really expect this piece of trash to get us out of here?" Astrid exclaimed. The interior was admittedly in a shabby condition, largely because a bachelor and a robot were its only tenants.

"She can and she will." Trio retorted, throwing himself into the pilot's chair and directing the ship towards the hanger exit. Astrid joined them in the cockpit.

"Ah, Mein Fraulein Astrid, good to see you safe and sound," Dr. Ingerman said from his corner. The cockpit was getting rather cramped now, and Astrid had some difficulty finding a seat.

She was relieved to see the Doctor, for his presence confirmed this was a rescue. "What happened? Where's Snot?"

"He more or less called in sick."

Astrid swore loudly.

"And there's no need for such foul language as that, Princess! You're Royalty, after all! But more importantly: did you get it? Were you successful?"

" **Get what**?" 2TH asked.

Astrid smiled. "Yes, I got it."

" **Get what**?"

"Never mind that now!" Trio yelled. The Condor was entering space. They knew that behind them the _Shattermaster's_ crew was figuring out what was going on and preparing to do something about it. "Doctor, you're _sure_ their tractor beam is down?"

"We're about to find out, aren't we?"

"I suppose we are."

.

Up in the _Shattermaster's_ control room Lord Dagur was standing at the communications booth, impatiently waiting for someone to report the recapture of the Princess. Instead all he got were reports that she had gotten away and, even worse, a ship had somehow landed and was in the process of flying away with her in it.

"Activate the tractor beam!" he roared. "Pull them in, Mr. Larsen!"

"Um…sir?"

"What is it?" Dagur snapped.

"Look at the screen!"

Instead of presenting the power levels of the tractor beam, the computer screen showed a plate of ketchup doused eggs and these words:

" _Your Signal Has Been Scrambled. (We apologize for any inconvenience)._ "

"Well at least they have the decency to say 'sorry'," Mr. Larsen remarked.

Lord Dagur spluttered angrily, "Shut up! Open fire on them!"

"But sir!" General So's came over. "If we do that, they'll be destroyed! I thought we—that is, the Supreme Leader—wanted the Princess alive!"

"A dead prisoner is better than an escaped one! Open fire!"

They did, but the shots all missed. The target was too small and too swift for the gunners to shoot at with any accuracy. So Lord Dagur quickly opted to change tactics and utilize guns that would not be vulnerable to human error.

"Bring the Ventral Cannons online! Target that ship and blast them out of space!" He pushed a button to communicate directly with the gun crews. "Exterminate them!"

The gun crew was delighted. "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

.

In the cockpit of the _Condor,_ things seemed to be going well, despite the near blinding flashes of shots and the sharp turns the ship was taking to avoid them.

"Just another minute and the coordinates will be set." Trio muttered to himself.

"Why didn't you set them before?" Astrid demanded.

"Good question, but a bit late coming!" Actually, he had assumed 2TH had already done it, and 2TH had assumed _he_ had done it.

Then 2TH suddenly exclaimed, " **I'm picking up signals! They're arming their Ventral Cannons!"**

The Doctor paled. "I hadn't anticipated those."

" **We've got to take them out or we're not going anywhere! They'll home in on us and blow us to pieces!** "

"Can't we get out of here? I thought this thing was fast!" Astrid demanded.

"Watch it, Milady, or I'll offer you up to them as a peace offering!" Trio snapped.

" _What_ did you just call me?"

"How could I have left those cannons out of my calculations?" The Doctor asked anxiously.

"Doctor—"

"I was so careful! I was so precise!"

"Doctor!" Astrid yelled.

"I was so careful! Where did I go wrong?" the Doctor wailed.

" _Doctor_!"

"Bud, I'm turning the ship around. All power to the front shields." Trio ordered.

" **I hope you have a plan**!"

"Don't I always?" Trio replied smugly.

" **Not reassuring**."

" _What_?" Astrid shrieked, "You're going to _attack_ them!"

The Doctor, who seemed to be near a panic attack now, whimpered, "Attack them? This is madness! The odds of successfully attacking the _Shattermaster_ head on are exactly 22232325345 to one!"

" **No, it's exactly 256654445545454 to 1.** " 2TH said.

"No, it's exactly—"

" **I do my math correctly**!"

"So do I, and the odds are—"

"Oh shut up!" Trio snapped. "Bud, you calculate where their blind spot is and steer us into it."

"Does that monstrosity even _have_ a blind spot?" the Doctor cried.

" _Every_ ship has a blind spot…I hope." He added under his breath.

.

Lord Dagur and his generals gazed through the windows in astonishment. "They're going into an _attack_ position?"

"Are they out of their minds?"

"Oh well." Dagur turned to the crewmen. "Target that ship and fire when ready! Prepare the Fly Troopers to salvage the wreck."

"And while we're on the subject," General So's said, following after him, "When can they be equipped with Jet Packs? I've been requesting those for over two years now! It makes no sense calling them 'Fly' Troopers when they can't actually fly!"

Dagur scowled at him. "Are you kidding me? We don't have the budget to equip entire squads with Jet Packs!"

"Yet we have enough to install a Jacuzzi and Ice Cream Maker in every Officer's club?"

"Yeah." Dagur turned to the crew again. "Aren't those Cannons ready yet?"

"Almost, sir,"

"And what is that ship doing?"

The _Centennial Condor_ was flying directly towards the Ventral Cannons.

"It's just outside of our range, sir."

"They can't stay that way forever!" Dagur cried gleefully. "All right, whoever you are, you want to play, do you? Fine, but I play rough! Mwahaha!"

.

Trio clenched the controls in a steel grip. "Bud, ready the Dragon's Mouth!"

" **Stand by! Aiming…** "

Trio grinned, "All right, _Shattermaster_ , say hello to our little friend!"

.

Lord Dagur watched the ship get closer and closer. The guns were almost online now, and once they were ready they would have an easy target, but until then the ship could not be hit. It was gall and wormwood to him. He saw part of the _Condor's_ nose lower, as if it were a mouth. He frowned. "What are they doing now?"

From this mouth a great jet of flames burst out and engulfed the Ventral Cannons.

The _Shattermaster's_ crew exchanged stunned expressions as they watched the Cannons melt like butter. Over the radios came shouts from the gun crews. Lord Dagur was on the radios too, shouting commands. Most of those near him were not listening, so stunned were they by what they were seeing. When the flames died the guns were a molten twisted mass of metal, about as usable as a sunken submarine and just as horrendous in appearance.

"Can our ship do that?"

.

On the Condor Trio proudly turned the ship away from the ruined guns. "What were you saying about the odds, Doctor?"

"That was amazing!" Princess Astrid cheered, "I didn't know you could shoot fire through the vacuum of Space!"

"Scientifically speaking…" the Doctor spluttered.

" **The coordinates are ready now** ," 2TH announced. Trio pulled on the levers and the ship shot off.

.

Everyone on the _Shattermaster_ was terrified as they watched the Condor flee the scene. All eyes were on Lord Dagur, everyone wondering who was going to suffer first.

But strangely, he seemed quite calm. "I am going to my quarters. Pursue that ship and inform me of any developments. Oh, and start repairing those Cannons."

"Sir?"

Lord Dagur made a smug face and shook his finger. "You poor fools never think ahead! While they were taking out our Cannons, _I_ had a Tracking Class Bug shot onto their hull! Don't look so surprised—I'm very good at improvising! We can follow them wherever they go now! Evil laughs, everyone! Soon they will lead us to all their secret bases without even realizing it!"

Everyone was very glad to laugh, if more from relief than from wickedness.

"And will you inform the Supreme Leader about this?" General So's asked Dagur.

"No. You will."

" _Me_?" cried the General.

"Yes. Why not? What's the matter, General So's? Scared? Are you… _chicken_?" Lord Dagur was in a very good mood. "Bwock-Bwock, cluck-cluck, the General's a chicken! We'll pluck him, deep fry his thighs and eat them with a Sauce Piquant! Hahaha!"

At that moment Nut 2 struck him in the head. Dagur fell to the floor stunned.

" _Barbarian_!"


	9. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"So what exactly was this whole mission about anyway?" Trio asked. "What were you in for, Princess?"

Doctor Ingerman said at once, "That's 'Need-to-know: Classified'."

"Well based on what I've seen and heard, I'm guessing you stole something that the Federation greatly values, and you plan to use it against them. Am I right?"

"Pretty much," Astrid admitted after a long pause.

"It must be pretty powerful then, to go to such lengths." Trio pulled his helmet off and for the first time the two Separatists saw his face. He had auburn hair, forest green eyes, and faded scars and freckles. Astrid thought he looked rather cute, before reminding herself to not think about such things.

Trio adjusted the controls. "So where do you want to go now? We're heading for Outpost 66, on Vastra. First place I could think of. It's inconspicuous enough. Where shall I drop you off after that?"

The Doctor looked at Astrid, who looked back uncertainly. He lowered his voice. "I really would rather discuss this with no one else around." He eyed Trio and 2TH with suspicion.

" **There's more to the ship than just the cockpit** ," 2TH-LS chimed loudly.

The two separatists got the point and made their way to the kitchenette. It resembled the kind found in a college dormitory building: cramped and cluttered, and the cooking machines were half covered with duct tape. Some of them had numerous and various appendages attached to them in random spots.

"Clearly Herr H. Trio is not one for cleaning up after himself." Dr. Ingerman observed sourly.

"And also likes to tinker with his appliances. Say, what's the 'H' stand for?" Astrid asked.

"He won't say." His voice returned to a whisper. "So, you've got the section of the map?"

"I told you so, didn't I?"

The Doctor grew excited. "And when we combine this with the other sections, we'll finally know the location of—"

"Yes, we both know that, Doctor, but how do we get back to the fleet?" she glanced down the corridor to the cockpit. "Do we trust Trio enough to take us there?"

"I don't think we should. He'd learn too much about the Separatists. Then again, he knows a lot already, so would a little more knowledge really hurt? Then again, can we expect him to hold his tongue, even if we pay him enough? Then again—"

"In other words, you don't know." Astrid cut in sharply. "As for me, I've seen enough of him already to see he could be useful to the Separatists. All the same, I have no idea of where his loyalties are."

"Well he clearly doesn't care about the Federation—unless he's playing the role of a double agent—but does he want to _oppose_ it like we do? From what he said earlier, his tone implied he did not care about our revolution one way or another. He's probably only in this for the money."

"Then he's quite a mercenary. Where'd you even find him?"

"This ship has a reputation for speed. High Command was desperate. I had to make a choice."

"I could have just stolen a ship from the Federation. I was about to when you showed up."

The Doctor shrugged. "We were desperate. And it's worked out so far, hasn't it? This ship is indeed traveling at a high velocity. No wonder Alvin the Glut prized it so much."

"Alvin the Glut?" Astrid exclaimed in disgust, "This ship belongs to _him_? You hired a man who—"

At that moment the ship shuddered. There was a loud coughing sound from the engines. Smoke started emerging from behind a door. Trio came running past them yelling, "A-ha! A-ha! That clunker of a Hyperactive Drive! Dogone it, I'll kick it into next year!"

He disappeared through the door, and then they heard a loud crashing sound, like several heavy boxes falling over. They could hear Trio yelling with pain and coughing as more smoke drifted into the room, then they heard metal vigorously striking metal.

"Come on, start working! Oh-ho-ho, so that's the way you want it, huh, you crummy son-of-a bilge rat! Why, I'll tear you to pieces, you blinkity-blankity-so-and-so slippin' rippin' wiper of a badger's runny nose! I'll—"

Astrid and the Doctor gaped at each other; astounded to hear such language.

"I think my ears will need purification," the Doctor whimpered.

"That or his mouth, or maybe both!" Astrid said, laughing in spite of herself.

"—To the last I grapple with thee! The most infectious pestilence upon thee! Come on, you yellow bellied cow, get working again or I'm gonna feed you to a two headed vampire! You ungrateful bunch of—"

Astrid returned to the cockpit, still chuckling, where 2TH-LS was steering the ship. Even from there they could hear Trio shouting and banging on the engines.

" **Normally a kick to the Hyperactive Drive is all it takes. Something must've gone really wrong for it to be acting like this**."

"Why don't you just get a new one?"

" **Don't be fooled. He loves it this way**." The robot replied. " **He'd hate replacing it. And such a replacement would foul up the Subatomic Bilateral Compressor and cause a temporal shift in the gravitational neutron flow. And mess up the toaster."**

"I need a translator here. I have no idea what you just said."

" **Typical homo-sapiens**."

"Oh, and I suppose a robot is better?" she asked scornfully.

The robot was smug. " **Of course.** _ **I**_ **have the capacity to calculate the third to last digit of Pi within the span of .3 nanoseconds. I don't see any humans doing that**."

"So does this ship really belong to Alvin the Glut?" She was eager to change the subject, and wanted to know the truth about this ship.

" **It** _ **did**_ **belong to him**."

"And it doesn't now?"

" **He'd dispute that, but no, it does not.** "

"How'd that happen?"

If 2TH was going to answer, he never got the chance. A red light on the console began flashing.

" **Holy Sheep! The subatomic ultra high frequency gamma ray fuel cells are rupturing**!" the robot rolled over to another part of the console and flipped a switch. Astrid was thrown forward as the ship abruptly stopped. They could hear Trio shouting in pain.

"What in the name of Thor's undershirt was that?"

"Pick me up! Pick me up!" the Doctor wailed from the kitchenette.

2TH rolled away to inform Trio and fix the problem. Astrid picked herself up, inadvertently pulling on a lever that turned the ship, which was still moving, albeit at a much slower rate than before, directly towards a nearby planet. She quickly grabbed the lever to turn in it the other direction, but she pulled too forcefully and it broke off in her hand.

"Um…guys?"

The _Condor_ continued to head towards the planet and, even worse, 2TH must have fixed whatever was malfunctioning, because it started to pick up speed.

"Guys?" she yelled.

The planet was getting closer.

"Guys! We've got a problem here!"

The Doctor wheeled his way into the cockpit. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get back into a wheel chair without—Mein Lieb! We're on a collision course!"

"Tell me something I don't know! Trio! Get up here and help me steer this thing!" She looked anxiously at the controls, but the layout made no sense to her.

"What did she say?" Trio muttered, shaking his head, which was still ringing from the metal tools that had fallen on him.

"Trio! Get up here!"

"Oh, she wants me up there. Oh great."

The ship was rushing through the planet's atmosphere now. White clouds surrounded them. Trio glanced out a window and suddenly felt inspired. "Yes! Come on, Bud! Let's taste real freedom! Let the winds carry us through the clouds—!"

"HURRY UP!" Princess Astrid yelled from the cockpit.

"All right!" he yelled back. "Sheesh, some people have no respect for the soul of a poet. All right, pull the lever with the green star and our altitude will increase."

Astrid and the Doctor looked around. "What lever?"

"The one with the green star on the top!"

"Which one?"

"I just told you! It's over there!"

"Where's 'there'?" the Doctor yelled.

"Pull the lever!" Trio roared. "Pull it already, will you!"

She did. A panel in the ceiling opened. The floor beneath him shot upwards and sent him flying through the opening and into the opened air.

"NOT THAT ONEEEEEEEEE!"

Astrid screamed. "Oh Gods, what have I done?"

2TH-LS finally rejoined them. " **I'm detecting very high distress levels in here**."

"She's just sent Trio flying to his death!" the Doctor cried.

Astrid was near hysterical. " _Why do you even have that lever anyway_?"

2TH-LS started laughing, in his fashion.

"Good heavens, robot, are you mad? Why are you laughing? This is no jesting matter!"

" **Oh yeah? Look**!"

They looked. And out in the purple sky they saw Trio gliding serenely towards the ground, utilizing a set of leather wings and fins that had emerged from his suit.

The Doctor slumped back in his chair. "He can _fly_?"

" **More accurately, he can** _ **glide**_ **. And yes, he invented those wings himself. Can any of** _ **your**_ **people do things like that**?" the robot proudly asked.

"That settles it. We're getting him to join the Separatists." Astrid said.

For a moment they all watched Trio's descent with awe and admiration. Then they remembered they were still on a collision course and the ground was getting nearer every second.

.

The planet the _Centennial Condor_ had come to was largely jungle. To the north, where the jungle was thinner, was a giant nightclub surrounded by smaller buildings, which stuck out garishly compared to the surroundings. It was like a palace in the middle of a slum. To the west lay a sandy beach, and beyond that an orange ocean. And directly ahead of the ship was a mountain of sand, which the _Condor_ shot into nose first. Sand flew in every direction, as if a geyser had erupted beneath it.

A woman was on the beach, getting a tan, and staring at the purple sky. Somehow she had missed the sight of the _Condor_ swooping overhead as it dove towards earth. She sighed. "I'm dying of boredom out here. I'm surrounded by dandies and card sharks…I'd love to meet a _real_ man."

At that moment Trio landed gracefully in the sand right in front of her. Unaware of her and the stunning impression he had just made, he picked himself up and began retracting the fins on his flight suit, muttering technical figures to himself.

"Who are you?"

He now realized there was a very attractive woman watching him. "No one in particular," he managed to say. "I mean…H. Trio,"

"What does the 'H' stand for?"

"Whatever you like."

She smiled and held up a glass of wine. "Adventurous and mysterious. I like it. Won't you join me, Mi Amor?" she purred.

Trio had to fight to keep his body temperature down. "Maybe some other time."

"Are you sure?" But he was already making his way down the beach.

She sighed and went back to staring at the sky. "I'm dying of boredom out here."

.

It took Trio a lot of walking to reach the _Condor_. When he did he saw her nose was partially buried in the sand and her landing gear was not as fully extended as it should have been. 2TH was already rolling around inspecting the hull.

"Another crash landing?"

The robot was indignant. " **You know perfectly well I don't crash! My landings are simply unorthodox**!"

"Of course they are." Trio laughed. "And I'm fine, by the way. The suit worked perfectly."

" **After all those death defying 'test flights' of yours, it ought to**!"

"It's nice of you to care. So where are the passengers?"

As if to answer, Astrid emerged from the ship, raced over to him and threw her arms around him. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I had no idea you had an ejector panel on your ship! I am so relieved to see you're not hurt—you're not hurt, are you? That was pretty amazing, you being able to fly like that—" they both abruptly and awkwardly realized she was hugging him.

"Perhaps I should—?"

"Yeah, yeah…"

She broke away. "So, we're good, right?"

Once again Trio had to fight to keep his temperature down. "Good as…good, yeah. So what's the damage, Bud?"

Astrid hurried back into the ship's cockpit. "Hey Doctor, where are we?"

"We have landed on Narilda. It's sparsely populated, mostly jungle and ocean, and is rich in Ore-451, the key component to creating Nightmare jell. The Federation operates several mines on the other side of the planet."

"Is it likely they'll know we're here?"

"Maybe, maybe not. But any inconspicuousness won't last forever," he replied ominously. "The Federation has little presence on this side of the planet, beyond occasional inspections, which implies the nearby settlements will either be full of poor and starving civilians or a popular spot for thugs and law-disowning citizens. Given the scenery and the presence of a nightclub, this could be a potentially popular spot for tourists and organized crime, both of which could be dangerous for us."

Trio entered the cockpit. "2TH says he can get the _Condor_ working again, but we're going to be stuck here for at least 24 hours. I'm going to go find the duct tape."


	10. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

A courier marched quickly down one of the many long corridors of the _Shattermaster_. He approached the door to the Conference Room. He could hear the people on the other side talking, for they were not bothering to keep their voices down.

"This is dreadful! If Lord Dagur finds out about this—"

"Come on, tell us: where have those Separatists gone?"

"Tell us! Tell us!"

They must be interrogating a prisoner, the courier decided. A particularly tough prisoner too, for he could hear no sounds that a prisoner under interrogation might make.

The courier pressed a buzzer.

"Yes? This is General So's." was the irritated reply.

"Lord Dagur wishes to speak with you in his quarters, sir. You and your people, at once, sir."

"…Thank you. We'll be there." General So's turned back to his aide and threw his hands in the air. "Wonderful! Just wonderful! He's gonna make us watch 20 hours of slug videos when he hears about this!"

The aide was bent over the table, staring intently at a thin piece of wood. "Where have the Separatists gone? Tell us! Tell us now!"

"Oh give it up!" the General retorted. "C'mon, we'd better get going before Lord Dagur loses patience and gets angry prematurely."

"It'll work, sir, it's gotta work!"

"What's it saying now?" someone else asked. "Is it giving us their location?"

"No it says…" the aide's voice trailed off.

"What? What's it say?"

"13."

General So's scratched his head wearily. "You know something? I think you were scammed when you bought that Ouija Board."

.

"Oh, General Eret, it was so sweet of you to invite me into your quarters." Nut 1 said dreamily.

General Eret eyed her warily. "But I didn't."

"Well, you were going to, I'm sure. I just saved time and preempted you."

She had deliberately positioned her chair so that it was between the General and the door, and he was all too aware of it.

"Well here we are, just you and me! Is it not heavenly? Is it not… _paradise_?"

Eret kept his mouth shut, but the expression on his face would have made clear to anyone, except apparently Nut 1, that he thought otherwise.

"Look, Lord Dagur is bound to call for me sooner or later, and it would be really embarrassing if he found out—"

"About us?" she asked eagerly. "About what's going on between us?"

He retorted, "Between us? The only thing 'between us' right now is air."

"Indeed! I feel so airy in this room! I feel like a feather floating in the air when I see you! The cares upon my shoulders are light as air whenever you're near!"

"You know, I thought androids were not supposed to feel emotions." The engineers were going to hear about this, he promised himself.

"I'm an exceptional android. Oh, but don't remind me about it! I can't bear recalling that you're a human and I'm only an artificial human. But this can work out! We'll make this work out!"

" _But I don't want this to work out_!"

Nut 1 ignored him and instead began to sing.

"Drink unto me with only thine eyes…"

"Why are you singing?"

"…and I will pledge with mine…"

"You aren't even getting the words right!"

She stood up slowly and drew nearer to him. "…or leave a kiss within the cup…"

"No thank you." He backed away from her.

"…And I'll not ask for wine…the thirst that from the soul doth rise…"

Like Eret's anxiety levels.

"…Doth ask a drink divine…"

"And I'm asking for divine intervention here!" Eret growled. "Get away from me and stop singing!"

"But it always works in the musicals! The girl starts singing, the guy joins in, and at the end they kiss!"

Eret shuddered. "No thank you!"

"Kiss me, oh beloved dashing human of my dreams! Make my circuits overload with passion! Ignite my toenails!"

He was slightly intrigued. "Androids are made with toenails?"

"Yes!" She tried to move closer but Eret pulled away again.

"Oh, am I taking this too fast?" she looked embarrassed. "Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie! You wanted to draw this out, and I'm ruining the moment!"

"What _moment_?" Eret exclaimed.

"I've spoiled it! I know it! You're going to think less of me now!"

"Oho, believe me, lady, I could _never_ think _less_ of you!"

Her face brightened. "Really? Well then, I'll continue the song…but might I of Jove's nectar sup, I would not change for thine!"

He had backed against the wall now.

"Oh sweet Eret, I know what you're thinking…"

"I seriously doubt that!"

"I'll start verse 2, that'll make you feel better…I sent thee late a rosy wreath…actually, I didn't, remind me to send you one later. Can I have your address?"

"I don't technically have one, now that you mention it…"

"Oh, you're right, sweetie, it's unimportant. What matters is you are here and I am here, and there is nothing to keep us apart!" She snuggled up against his large chest.

"I'm putting in for a transfer."

"Oh you have a wonderful sense of humor! As wonderful as the rest of you, especially those muscles of yours! Oh, General Eret, you're the epitome of male perfection!"

Eret might have been flattered had it not been for the situation, and for the fact that she now was trying to kiss him and he had his hand over her mouth.

"Don't you want to smooch?"

"No, I don't!"

"Well what _do_ you want to do? Shall I keep singing?"

"NO!"

"…not so much hon'ring thee…as giving it…I'm forgetting what comes next. Oh dear. Oh whatever. Let's just kiss and forget about it!"

At that moment there was a knock on the door. "General Eret, sir? Lord Dagur wants to see you."

Eret pulled out of Nut 1's arms and rushed out the door. "Lord Dagur wants to see me? Good! Excellent! I'll be right there!" He had never been so glad to be summoned by Lord Dagur. The aide watched him go and, seeing the look of relief on the general's face, wondered if he had been drinking lately. Meanwhile, Nut 1 sat down in the chair again and said dreamily, "He touched me!"

.

Lord Dagur was reclining in his Jacuzzi, an ice pack attached to his head, staring at a screen attached to the ceiling.

"'…Oh, Neil, how I've waited to hear you say those words! But I could never marry you…I'm already engaged!'"

"'What? To whom? To whom, Bertha, my love, to whom?'"

"'Oh, Neil! To your evil stepbrother Humperdinck!'"

Dagur gasped.

"'But Bertha! Humperdinck was decommissioned and sold for scrap two years ago!'"

Lady Heather, Dagur's younger sister, impatiently tapped her fingers. "And this is the kind of entertainment we watch these days."

"Hey! This is first rate stuff!"

"Soap operas? Well, maybe by _Federation_ standards." She said in disgust. She wondered if these shows were intended to lower the viewer's intelligence.

Dagur shook his head sympathetically. "Poor sister of mine. Being a woman you don't have the intellectual capacity to see all the good the Federation has in it."

"Oh, I don't?" she replied dangerously. "What good are we talking about here, exactly?"

"We have created the perfect government, sister! Here all the typical problems are gone, and everyone is better off for it! Consider if you can! Women complained about not having the right to vote! So we took away _everyone's_ right to vote! That way no one gender or race gets singled out. People complained about the cost of education and the idea that formal education ruins the creative mind! So we did away with schools and saved a small amount of government expenditure every year! Workers complained they weren't making enough, so we gave them more hours and removed their days off, vacation time, and insurances! That way they get more money because they don't waste it on things they don't need! And unemployment has never been lower, because _everybody_ is made to work now! Housing space and prices are no longer a problem because workers live on site. And we don't waste government money anymore on public things like libraries and parks or postal systems, because we don't have them, so we save more and more every year! And nobody can complain that we discriminate against certain races in any way, because we discriminate against all races, which therefore cancels out any discrimination! Isn't this the best way to run a government?"

"So no ethnic group suffers because they _all_ suffer?"

"Exactly!"

"And yet you won't let women into government, but you'll let men in?"

"Yes, but that's going to change too. The Supreme Leader is planning to dissolve the rest of the bureaucracy for good soon. People complain about a corrupt government, so we won't have one! Soon only the Supreme Leader will be in government and no one else! And nobody would dare accuse Supreme Leader Don Viggo de Cappuccino of being corrupt! Although," he lost some of his enthusiasm, "I do prefer his father over him. Morten was easier to be friendly with, but Viggo, Morten's son, now _he_ gives me the shivers."

Heather smirked. "And what about the Separatists? Evidently _somebody_ in the galaxy believes something's wrong with the Federation."

"We'll wipe them out soon enough," her brother said dismissively.

"You do know we have footage of the Princess entering the control room, right?"

"Yeah?"

"What was she doing in there?"

"I'll be sure to ask when we catch her. Fear not, my unintelligent sister! Your smart brother already has plans! I'm tracking her ship even as we speak. We'll follow them wherever they go and meet them with guns blazing!"

"Hmm."

"Oh we will. Now be quiet a moment! I want to finish the show."

"'Oh Bertha, kiss me like your life depends upon it!'"

"'I will, Neil! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, you remind me of what it feels like to be an old man once more!'"

"'…what did you just say?'"

The words 'To Be Continued' flashed upon the screen. Dagur hit the water with his fist and made a big splash.

"I hate it when they do that! They always have to end it with a cliffhanger and keep me in suspense for a _whole week_!"

Heather smiled with mock sympathy. A buzzer went off. Dagur switched off the screen (he knew it might be bad for his reputation if word got out he was watching Soap Operas). An aide entered and announced that the Commanding Officers were waiting outside, having been summoned.

"Great!" Lord Dagur cried, but made no effort to get out of the hot tub, "Come on in, guys! Come in! Gather around and let's talk about destroying Separatists!"

They were relieved to see him in a very good mood and raised their pinky fingers in salute. "Health and Wealth to Lord Dagur!"

"Naturally. Now then, what news? Lady Heather, you can leave, if you don't mind. This is a manly matter."

"Yes, my brother," she replied with a formal bow.

Lord Dagur put on a pair of reading glasses. "What a wonderful sister! She's so obedient to my wishes. It's all because she loves me so much."

"It's touching to see how much she loves her big brother," Mr. Larsen the aide agreed. He was a bit of a sycophant.

"Yes, yes. Now, Generals, report! Say Eret, why is there lipstick on your chin?"

"It's just ketchup, my Lord," he quickly replied, forcing himself to keep a straight face, "we have reports of the Separatist fleet gathering at Gronkle-5." He produced a map and pointed to various points on it. "They have gathered here, here, and here. But this cannot be one of their secret bases, because _we_ hold the outpost there. Or at least we did."

"Contact the rest of our armada. Order them to converge on Gronkle-5. If all the Separatist ships are there we'll engage them! A big space battle! I love those."

"Shall I alter our course, sir?" a pilot asked.

"No, we shall continue to follow the Princess and her cohorts. Where is their ship now?"

The men around him stiffened nervously.

"Lord Dagur…" General Eret began, but he could not bring himself to continue.

General So's finished the announcement for him.

"The batteries in the Tracker Bug were put in upside down. The Bug is inoperative. We have no idea of where they are."

There was a long, tense silence. With trembling fingers Lord Dagur pulled off his reading glasses. "The following men will stay here: So's, Eret, Larsen, and Savage. The rest of you may go."

As if they needed any prompting. They quickly filed out, leaving behind the four unlucky men, who stood before Dagur like schoolboys before the principal.

As soon as the door closed Dagur leapt to his feet and exploded. "THAT WAS MY PLAN! _MY_ PLAN! HOW DARE YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS MESS UP A PLAN THAT _I_ CAME UP WITH! I IMPROVISED A PLAN ON THE SPOT AND YOU TELL ME IT WON'T WORK BECAUSE SOME MORON PUT THE BATTERIES IN THE WRONG WAY! SO THIS IS HOW IT IS? ALL MY HARD WORK RUINED BY A BUNCH OF BRAINLESS OFFICERS AND INCOMPETENT FOOLS—"

"Lord Dagur, we didn't put the batteries in that Bug!" General Eret bravely protested.

Dagur threw his glasses at him. "THEN WHO DID? TELL ME THAT, IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU PIECE OF GUTLESS SCUM!"

"Lord Dagur, this is outrageous slander!"

"IT'S GONNA BE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, DUMMY! THE PRINCESS AND HER COHORTS HAVE ESCAPED, AND NOW WE CAN'T FOLLOW THEM BECAUSE MY PLAN IS WRECKED! WHY COULDN'T ANYBODY ON THIS SHIP FOLLOW THE SIMPLEST OF INSTRUCTIONS?"

He need not have bothered ordering the others to leave. Even with the closed door they could clearly hear him.

"I'M SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETANT MONKEYS! WE SPEND HALF THE BUDGET ON TRAINING CADETS AT THE FEDERATION ACADEMIES, AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET!"

"This is bad for your blood pressure, sir." Eret said weakly.

"SHUT UP ABOUT MY BLOOD PRESSURE! I SHOULD MAKE YOU ALL WATCH AWFUL MOVIES UNTIL YOUR BRAINS SQUIRT OUT YOUR EARS! THEN MY PLANS WOULDN'T BE RUINED BY PEOPLE PUTTING IN BATTERIES INCORRECTLY!"

He took a deep breath and spoke more softly. "I never went to school past 3rd grade. Yet I came up with that plan all by myself. Nobody else did. It was all me. And now it's in shambles, through no fault of mine. No, it was my fault. I put too much faith in the abilities of the BUFFOONS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO SERVE ME! I'M SURROUNDED BY MORONS! MORONS! TRAITORS! AND EVERY TRAITOR HERE IS GONNA PAY! PAY!" He lapsed into a forced calm and sank back into the hot tub.

"Sir," Mr. Larsen said softly, "what if there _is_ a traitor on board? What if they put those batteries in upside down on purpose?"

"And ruin my wonderful plan? That would be just mean! And they'll pay! I'll root them out! I'll turn the whole ship upside down until I find them! They'll drown in their own blood! BLOOD!" now he was screaming like a maniac. "RIVERS AND LAKES OF BLOOD! HUGE POOLS OF BLOOD! ENOUGH BLOOD TO SINK A SHIP! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Abruptly he stopped laughing and became a picture of despair. "Since my plan is ruined, it means I have to come up with another." He stood up uneasily. "And that means I have to speak to the Supreme Leader and inform him about all of this. And I'd almost rather blow my brains out."

General So's could not resist muttering to Eret, "Why, I'd almost say he's turned chicken!"

Overhearing the taunt, Dagur grabbed So's by the shoulder and threw him into the hot tub.


	11. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Lord Dagur knelt before a yellow holographic image of the Supreme Leader. The man was seated, gently stroking a cat, staring at Dagur with piercing eyes. Dagur felt like shuddering but did not wish to display any fear.

He had explained everything to the Supreme Leader, taking care to absolve himself from any blame. The Supreme Leader had stayed silent throughout.

"And that's the current situation, sir. So…"

At length the Supreme Leader spoke. To Dagur it sounded like a cross between speaking and wheezing. "We've known each other a long time, but this is the first time you've ever come to me for council or assistant. I can't remember the last time you invited me to your house for cannoli and meatballs, even though you're the second highest ranking man in my Federation. I doubt you'd even come to my daughter's wedding."

"But you don't have a daughter," Lord Dagur interrupted.

"But if I did, and if she decided to get married, and if I invited you, I doubt you'd show up. But let us be real here. You've always been too proud to ask for advice, too proud to even break bread with your own Supreme Leader. And now, when your little plan has failed miserably and your adjutants have let you down—adjutants who are suppose to follow _your_ orders, I should add—you come to me begging me to be a friend and help you out of this."

"I'm asking you to help us put down this rebellion. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Isn't that what you want?"

"Is it really what _you_ want?" the Supreme Leader's tone grew icy.

"I believe in the Federation," Dagur said shortly.

"Someone put those batteries in incorrectly. Somebody gave Astrid Hofferson information of the ship's layout. Someone ensured she would not be tortured seriously. That someone is a spy and a traitor. Perhaps you cannot figure out who it is because you don't want too?"

Dagur was outraged. "Are you suggesting—?"

"Those who are second best often want to become first." He petted the cat some more as he lapsed into a contemplative silence. "Or perhaps not. In any case, with things as they are, I think personal supervision is required."

Lord Dagur gulped. "You're coming here?"

"That is correct, Lord Dagur. I'm not very happy about the evident lack of success the commanders of the _Shattermaster_ have had. Perhaps I can create new motivation for them."

"But does it have to be _personal_?"

"Lord Dagur—"

"I mean, as you please, of course, Supreme Leader. But what about the escaped princess?"

"You actually _are_ asking me for help. What have I done to deserve such generosity?"

"Supreme Leader—"

"Lord Dagur, Lord Dagur, what have I done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? It's rude to interrupt. As it happens, I know exactly where Princess Astrid is."

"What? How?"

"I sensed it using the Torque."

Lord Dagur tried not to look scornful.

"You doubt me?"

"Well, Supreme Leader…I mean are you _sure_ the…'Torque' is really all that it's cracked up to be? I mean, it hasn't told you where the Separatists are based, or helped you conjure up the completed map to Eren'dor. Assuming that Moon even exists,"

"It exists. The Torque is particular about what it reveals. It has always been so."

"Convenient," Dagur muttered.

"Have you by any chance a little confidence in me? As it happens, I have learned through the Torque that Princess Astrid, having stolen the portions of the map to Eren'dor that we possess, is now on the planet of Narilda. With her are Doctor Ingerman and a man who calls himself Trio. Their ship is the _Centennial Condor_." He smiled. "I think I win the contest for most information. But she must _not_ get to Eren'dor ahead of us. Or not so far that we can't follow, at any rate. So you will send a detachment to Narilda at once."

"It may take some time to organize one."

"Why should it?"

"What if they intend to meet the rest of the Separatists there? We should send a strong force. An entire army, even!"

"And if the _Condor_ flies off while you're busy organizing this army?"

"Besides, I've already given orders for the fleet to head to Gronkle-5!"

"Then give them new orders to turn around! Unless you have a better idea?"

Lord Dagur smiled. He had a new plan.

.

A while later, Lord Dagur, who was growing weary from the demands of his job, stood behind his desk, eying Nut 1 and Nut 2.

"Now, you two, listen up. I am very disappointed in you."

They bowed their heads in shame.

"I entrusted you with an extremely important interrogation—"

They looked up eagerly.

"—and I find you not only got nothing out of her, but you practically allowed her to escape. I am very disappointed."

They bowed their heads in sorrow.

"But—"

They looked up in anticipation.

"I feel I must give you another opportunity to prove yourselves. I would rather send you to be deactivated, and you would deserve it—"

They bowed their heads fearfully.

"But we don't have the time to commission a Nut 3."

They looked up in relief.

"And in any case, we don't have the budget."

"But you have the money to install a Jacuzzi and Ice Cream Maker in every Officer's club?" Nut 1 pointed out.

"Shut it." They bowed their heads in obedience. "Your orders are simple: find the _Centennial Condor_ and her occupants, and keep them from leaving Narilda. Report to me everything you learn in the process. _Without fail_."

"As you wish," they said together.

"Eww, don't say those words! Haven't you ever seen _The Princess Bride_?"


	12. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Partway through repairs Trio decided he wanted to get something to eat. Finding the food on the _Condor_ all squashed from the 'unorthodox landing', he decided he would sample the menu at the nightclub. Astrid decided to accompany him, but Doctor Ingerman preferred to remain on the ship. 2TH-LS, of course, had no need for food.

Advertisements often show nightclubs and casinos filled with attractive models in suits and cocktail gowns, warmly congratulating someone for wining an unexpected jackpot. Such a sight would be a novelty to the nightclub on Narilda. Here the clientele, whatever the gender or species, were largely overweight and unwashed. They stared at their slot machines and mindlessly pressed buttons. Food wrappers and empty bottles were strewn about the floor. The air was so hazy with tobacco smoke that Astrid nearly gagged when she first entered the building. And Trio noted sourly that the food prices were nearly triple what they were on Outpost 66 and Pulagard.

They chose a table in a corner, some distance from the music speakers that were blasting so loudly Trio complained they made his ribs vibrate. Astrid found that remark rather amusing. She noticed Trio had put on a mask that covered all of his face except his mouth and asked him about it.

"I prefer to be unrecognized."

"By wearing a mask? Won't that just make you more noticeable?"

"Maybe, but nobody will know it's me."

"Why the secrecy?" Astrid asked.

Trio preferred to examine his food. "I asked for a burger, not flapjacks!"

.

Not too far away, outside, Nut 1 eyed the ship with relish. "The explosives are set. Blow her up!"

Nut 2 grinned and pressed the button. The ship before them was blown sky high. They gave each other high fives.

"A brilliant explosion, if I do say so myself."

"Beautiful, Nut 1."

"Amazing."

"And now, with their ship gone, the Princess and her friends cannot hope to get off this planet. I'd say mission accomplished. And look: here comes one of them now!"

A man approached the wreckage of the ship. Even from a distance he was clearly stunned. "Me ship! Me poor ship!"

"Hah!" Nut 2 chuckled. "Look at that old geezer!"

"Me ship! Me beloved _Fungus_! Me cabbages! All gone!"

"Strange," Nut 1 remarked, "I don't recall him being in the description of Princess Astrid's companions. They were all young people. That man must be old enough to have mold and mildew growing on him."

"Yeah, he looks like living proof that mammals survived the extinction of the dinosaurs. But that can't be! Our orders said quite clearly the _Centennial Condor_ was docked in Quadrant 806, right?"

Nut 1 pulled out her D.U.M.B. phone and had a look. "Yes, 806, that's what it says, it—oh dear." She rotated her phone so that the end pointing towards the sky was now pointing towards the ground. "Or was it 908?"

They stared at each other, looked at the destroyed ship, and then looked at each other again.

"This never happened."

"Yeah."

"We had nothing to do with this."

"Right."

They started walking away.

"Still one cool explosion, though."

.

Astrid turned her attention to the stage. A man was on it, singing to a disinterested audience. I said 'singing,' but in reality he was speaking dramatically while a record was being played.

"The sign says he's James T. Berk, the Transformer Man," Astrid said.

"That explains the electrical transformer pattern on his suit." Trio observed.

"I wonder what the 'T' stands for. Tiberius? Thomas?"

"Edgar, probably, but you're close."

Astrid eyed her companion, wondering if that was supposed to be a joke.

James T. Berk, meanwhile, was speaking as if he was Hamlet himself, while music played. And what was he saying? Just this:

"Twinkle… _twinkle_ …little star

How I… _wonder_ …what you are

Up above the…world _you fly_

Like a tea _tray_ in the…sky"

Astrid had to laugh. "He can't even settle on which version to perform!" she leaned back in her chair and sipped her drink. "I love the _Alice_ stories, you know. Always have. Especially the part in 'Looking Glass' about Haddock's Eyes. I don't know why, but I really like it."

"You like Haddock's Eyes?" Trio asked, somewhat perplexed. He decided not to mention that he liked _her_ eyes. They were a lovely shade of blue.

"Yes I do." She took another sip.

"Have you read a lot?" Trio asked.

"It's almost all a princess gets to do. Embroider, read, show up at charities, spend hours getting fitted for dresses… that was my life before I joined the Separatists."

"You learned how to fight pretty well. That kick of yours on the _Shattermaster_ was pretty impressive."

"Thank you. Yes, I had private lessons. I wanted to be able to defend myself." She smiled at the memories, "It took a lot of arguing before my parents agreed to self defense lessons. It's not typical of a Princess where I come from."

"You got fed up with that sort of thing, I'm guessing?"

Her tone became earnest. "I saw the corruption and tyranny of the Federation and wanted to change it. Yes, I wanted the excitement and the chance to do something important for once but, believe it or not, I also want a better life for my people and my family, and I realized we would never get that if the Federation was not replaced by a better government. Trying to change it from the inside went nowhere, so we were forced to revolt."

"How did your parents react to this?"

Her gaze softened as more memories came back to her. "Unofficially, they're very proud of me. They told me so before I left. Officially, they've disowned me."

"Oh."

"Yeah. They feared reprisals on them and our people. So they told the Federation I was a disgraceful delinquent and no longer welcome anywhere. Well, it'll turn out right in the end, once the Federation is defeated. They'll take me back and retract all the horrid things they've had to say about me."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself."

"Maybe I am," she said darkly. She shrugged her shoulders. "So, what about you? I gather _you_ don't read much. Why not?"

Trio looked away. "I have read a bit."

"C'mon, Trio, this is what friend's do, isn't it? I tell you something about me, you tell me something about you." She became more serious. "Does your ship really belong to Alvin the Glut?"

"No."

" _Did_ it?"

"Yes."

"What happened?" She eyed his mask and thought she understood. "You stole it, didn't you?"

"…I borrowed it."

"Without permission?"

"Yes, but he can have it back after I'm dead. I won't have any need for it then."

"How very considerate of you. Why'd you steal it?"

Trio sighed. "Fine." He rolled up his sleeve. On his arm were numerous scars. Astrid's eyes widened. "And there's more on the other one. And on the back. And chest. And pretty much everywhere else. It's the payment for being Alvin the Glut's stable boy."

"Stable boy!" Astrid cried.

"Yep. H. Trio, Stable Boy to Alvin the Glut. Such an honor. You know what the 'H' stands for? It stands for 'Hiccup'." He paused, but to his surprise she did not laugh. "Yeah, they called me that. The runt, the mistake, the accident, the…well, you get the idea. Oh, and the metal leg? That was Alvin's doing. He'd stepped in some manure I hadn't cleaned up yet, so he thought it was fitting I should lose a leg too. He has an ugly sense of humor." His voice trailed off as he remembered.

"What about your parents?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea. I don't remember them, and Alvin never told me anything about them—except sometimes when taunting me, so I doubt what he said was ever true. Maybe they died, maybe they abandoned me, maybe they sold me or I was kidnapped, or maybe they were sold or kidnapped, I don't know. I wonder if anyone knows…"

Abruptly he shook himself, as if to ward off the memories. "Anyway, one night I couldn't take it anymore, so I undid my chains with a picklock I'd made on the sly, snuck on board the _Centennial Condor_ and flew away with it. Of course, Alvin figured out what happened, and he's had a price on my head ever since."

"That must be hard." Astrid said at length.

"Yeah. I have to alter my appearance every month or so. But the galaxy's a big place, so I get by."

"Have you…ever tried to find your parents?"

He smiled bitterly. "Where would I start?"

.

Backstage, Nut 1 peered out into the restaurant. "There she is. Our inquiries were correct! Now remember, you distract them with your performance. I, posing as a waitress, will go over and slip a narcotic into their drinks. Then, once they're out, we take them to Lord Dagur when he gets here, cementing our positions, removing forever the threat of deactivating, and winning for me the hand of General Eret. Got it?"

"Got it."

She turned around and gaped. Nut 2 was wearing an inflated fat suit. He looked like a balloon with legs and arms, and it was probable he would be unable to fit through a door.

"What in _Loki's_ sweet name are you doing?"

"It's my onstage persona! I am Hubert, the fat man from Hungary! When I get up on stage I will perform music by Paul Hindemith and Georg Frederick Handel via a series of hiccups!"

"Wait a minute—Hubert the humongous Hungarian who hiccups Hindemith and Handel?"

"Harmoniously!" he proudly declared.

Nut 1 thought it over. "Well that _is_ a distraction."

.

"So where'd 2TH come from?" Astrid asked.

"He was the _Condor's_ maintenance robot at the time. He hated his life as much as I hated mine. Everyone treated him like an expendable machine—which he is _not_ , by the way. He was delighted when I told him I was taking the ship. We've been best friends ever since." He stopped smiling. "He told me you were thinking of recruiting us."

Astrid chose her words with care. "The Separatists can offer you protection from Alvin's bounty."

He snorted.

"Hiccup, from what I've just heard, you know perfectly well about the evil in the galaxy. Why not fight against it?"

"Alvin's a gangster. His territories are not part of the Federation," he pointed out, "though I'm sure they would love to acquire them and his wealth if they could. Sorry, Astrid, but I really just want to be left alone."

"And just let everybody else suffer? We could use a man like you. Why not use your talents to help people?"

He did not answer.

Astrid gently put her hand on his arm. "The galaxy is in shambles, Hiccup. Why not help set it right?"

He eyed her skeptically. "And what's to guarantee that the Separatists won't turn into another Federation once they've taken over?"

Astrid had worried about that many times. "I for one won't let it happen. We've got plenty of decent and faithful people. Our government will do better. But Hiccup—I can call you that, right?—what good is it to only think about yourself? Why not fight for something better?"

"If I joined, would I get to see you much?" he asked after a silence.

Astrid was so surprised by the question she could not come up with an answer. Nor did she have the time to, because at that moment a man came over to their table.

"Astrid! Fancy that!"

Astrid's mouth fell opened. "Snot! What the heck are _you_ doing here?" The amazement turned to suspicion in the blink of an eye. "What _are_ you doing here? Last I heard you were incapacitated due to a toe injury!"

Snot, a short and stocky man with black hair, wearing a flying Ace pilot's suit, quailed under her hostile gaze and smiled weakly. "Oh…right. Well…it got better! Yeah, that's right. It got better after I…took some time off and relaxed a little in the…yeah, in the casino here." He muttered the final words feebly.

Astrid got to her feet, trembling with rage, and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"YOU LEFT ME ON THE _SHATTERMASTER_ WHILE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE SOME R AND R!"

Trio pulled her back into her chair. "Keep your voice down."

Snot put his hands on his hips. "And who are you, telling a Princess what to do?"

"H. Trio. I got her off that ship." He glanced at Astrid. "Is he really one of your people?"

"I'm afraid so," she growled.

"Hey!" Snot pumped his chest out. "I'm the best pilot in the Separatists! Forgive me if I decide to take a well deserved break for once! It wasn't _my_ fault they decided to proceed with the plan at the exact same time. They should've waited until I was ready if they needed me that badly! And just what are _you_ doing here, Astrid? I entered the restaurant to get something to eat—and help with my recovery—and I see you sitting at a table talking to some strange man, who just happens to be a former employee of Alvin the Glut!"

Now it was Trio's turn to be suspicious. "How much did you overhear?"

"Enough to wonder how trustworthy you are." He almost snarled at Trio.

"You were eavesdropping on us!" Astrid cried.

"I wasn't! I just happened to be at a table nearby!" That was actually a lie. He had entered the restaurant and recognized Astrid almost at once. Suspicious of the man she was with, he picked a table close enough to hear their talk, until he could endure no more and felt compelled to interrupt. "I mean, for crying out loud, Astrid, he's wearing a mask! Who wears a mask if they're trustworthy?"

Trio, without really thinking about it, pulled his mask off, so Snot could see exactly who he was slandering. His angry expression made Snot pause and notice the talk was getting too noisy again. People were eying them with curiosity or annoyance.

Snot drew himself up. "On behalf of the Sep—I mean, our employers, we thank you for your efforts today. I'm sure you've done magnificently, but I can take it from here. C'mon, Ast, my ship is just outside. I'll take you to HQ."

Astrid shook her head. "Sorry, Snot, but your ship can only hold two people. We'd have to leave Dr. Ingerman behind, and he wouldn't like that. And neither would I."

Snot groaned. "Fishy's here too? Oh wonderful!"

At that moment the restaurant manager came over to them. "I'm sorry, but is there a problem here?" He spoke politely, but with an edge.

"Not at all," Trio said quickly, "Just a small chance meeting of friends. Can we get the check, please?" The manager bowed and departed.

This distraction was enough to get the three of them to cool off a little. People returned to their meals, satisfied that the scene was over.

"I suppose," Astrid said, "I should be thanking you, Snot. If you hadn't bailed on me, I wouldn't have met Hiccup or 2TH."

Snot did not appreciate the gratitude. He mumbled, "You're welcome."

"And you'll be joining us at the rendezvous, right?"

He smiled. He probably thought it was a flirtatious smile, but to Astrid it was lecherous. "I'll join you wherever and whenever you want, Ast."

"Except on the _Shattermaster_ ," Trio added.

"I was recovering, Stable Boy!"

Trio smirked. "From a toe injury?"

"They can be very painful! Oh, but you wouldn't know, would you, given that you're missing a bunch?"

"I've still got five and a metal one, and that one can inflict _very_ painful injuries."

"Quiet." Astrid whispered. They were drawing attention again. Luckily, the manager appeared with their bill, and politely asked them to never enter his restaurant again.

As Trio worked out the payment, Snot turned to the Princess.

"For someone who just escaped from prison, you look as hot as ever."

"Save it, Snot."

"Ah, c'mon Ast, let me take you out to dinner sometime. I'll even pay the bill!"

She said "Fine." Trio stopped calculating to listen. "On three conditions: become a eunuch, do my laundry for a month, and sell yourself into slavery."

Snot was aghast. "Do laundry for a _month_?"

" _That's_ the condition that worries you?" Astrid exclaimed. Trio went back to his calculating considerably relieved and amused.

"Yes! You want me to do… _laundry_ for an entire _month_!"

She smiled winningly. "Those are my terms, Snot. Take it or leave it."

"I'll—is there a time limit to think this over?"

"I'm finished." Trio said, tying his mask back on. "Let's go."

Up on stage the MC announced the official public debut of Hubert the Humongous Hungarian. As the Princess and her two men stood up a waitress came over to their table.

"Can I get anyone some refills on—" to Nut 1's dismay the table was vacated at that exact moment. "Hey! You guys can't leave when I'm trying to drug—I mean—" Now people were staring at her and the manager was walking over, wondering what on earth was going on _now_. She sheepishly retreated to the backroom, ditched the waitress garb, and hurried out the door. "They didn't even leave a tip!"

.

Snot insisted on accompanying them back to the _Condor_ , but he declined to come on board with them, claiming he had some work to do on his own ship. Trio grieved not. He had already developed a sharp dislike for the man, and especially did not enjoy hearing Snot's attempts to flirt with Astrid. For some reason it just did not sit well in his gut, and he was very relieved to see that Astrid did not like the flirting either, although why he felt relieved to see this was beyond him.

Upon returning they found the Doctor and 2TH bickering.

"—and if it weren't for organics, there wouldn't _be_ any robots!"

" **And having made robots, organics have proven to be incapable of controlling them! Robots are clearly superior**!"

"The human brain is hundreds of thousands of times more powerful than any computer!"

" **And yet homo-sapiens show a great deal of stupidity. I myself have heard a seafood peddler get asked if he sold fish**!"

It was amazing, but they managed to keep this going for a couple of hours and showed no signs of letting up. Trio did not join in, finding listening more amusing. At length he remembered that all the food had been ruined in the crash, so he decided to do some grocery shopping. He would have asked Astrid to come with him but she seemed tired, and the Doctor and 2TH were still busy repairing and squabbling, so he went alone.

As soon as he left their arguments faded from his head and his thoughts kept coming back to Astrid and the things she had said to him. Sharing a meal with a kind yet tough woman had been a novelty, and he had liked it. Until Snot had turned up, that is.

He bought some food, hardly noticing what he was doing. He just kept thinking about Astrid and her offer. Suppose he did join the Separatists? Would he get to see her more? Or would he and 2TH just be another pawn in some general's strategy? He hated the thought. On the other hand, if it pleased the Princess…

He shook his head. He hardly even knew her.

On the other hand, he would hardly get to know her any better if he avoided the Separatists…

Still deep in thought, he tucked the food under his arm and turned around. And almost walked right into Socket.

The creature grinned and raised his giant gun. "Hello, Trio! This is gonna hurt!" Before Trio could react a blue flare burst from the gun and he fell to the ground.

.

When Trio woke up he found he was bound and gagged.

"Oh good, he's up!" Lady Furnacious leaned over Trio, her fanged barred as she sneered. "Caught ya this time, boy!" His eyes darted left and right and he saw he was in some kind of warehouse, surrounded by jeering mercenaries. Several of them came forward and forcefully picked him up. His mind was racing. How on earth had they found him? How was he going to escape now? What were they going to do to him?

They pushed him towards the opening of a large vat.

Turmogen suddenly looked concerned. "Guys, they only use this thing for dairy freezing. If we put him in there it might kill him."

"So?" Socket laughed, "Alvin won't care! He'll love the sight of Trio frozen! He'll probably hang him on a wall!"

"Put him in! Put him in!" other mercenaries chanted impatiently.

Lady Furnacious pulled a switch. Gasses rose from the floor and the vat made an ominous creaking sound. Trio struggled but in vain.

Suddenly a man burst in shouting "WAIT! WAIT! STOP!"

Everyone awkwardly froze in place and stared at the newcomer.

"I have a message from Alvin the Glut!"

"What does he say?" they asked urgently. They were suddenly terrified they were doing something contrary to Alvin's wishes. That would be a huge and unprofitable mistake. Trio frantically looked around for some means of escape, even a sliver of hope.

"He said to bring the boy to him at once, dead or alive."

The mercenaries burst out laughing. Lady Furnacious started the machine up again, and they shoved Trio into the vat.

"All too easy." She pulled another switch and smoke erupted from all directions. The room became incredibly cold. Breath mingled with the smoke.

A large mechanical arm came down and pulled a giant yellow block out of the vat. The front of Trio was visibly sticking out of it, as if it was a statue mold. The mercenaries jeered at the sight.

"H. Trio, Stable Boy of Alvin the Glut, Plunderer of the _Centennial Condor_ , now frozen in a giant stick of butter!"


	13. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

When Trio did not return the others went out to look for him. Even Snot was called upon to help with the search, much to his annoyance, but Astrid was a Princess and Princesses expect obedience. A threat of gradual dismemberment also persuaded him. It was all for nothing. Trio could not be found. Not as much as one footprint or a hair, and as time went by and night sluggishly drifted into morning they grew even more worried.

Though the others were very disturbed about Trio's overlong and inexplicable absence, Princess Astrid was taking this turn of events very calmly. Despite the hours of fruitless searching and the anxiety over what might have happened to him, she was calm, cool, and collected, unwilling to display any sort of emotion at all.

"ARGGHHHHHH!"

All right, so I lied.

She picked up a box and threw it ferociously to the floor. "Where _is_ he?"

" **Hey**!" 2TH growled, " **That contains his circuit tools**!"

"Why are we so worried about him?" Snot demanded impatiently. He was sitting in a corner, arms folded. "He probably just got lost."

"Lost for nearly 12 hours?" Astrid snapped, throwing herself into a chair.

"Statistically not impossible, but still improbable," the Doctor said fairly.

Snot nodded approvingly. "See? He's probably perfectly fine. Why should we worry anyway? He's a mercenary! Let's just take the ship and rejoin the Separatists and forget the Fishbone."

2TH-LS angrily zapped Snot in the leg.

"OW!"

" **Serves you right for talking about my human like that**!"

"The thing's a menace! It zapped me on the leg! It zapped me on the leg! It could've affected my heart and sent me into terminal cardiac arrest! I could be dead now!"

"Oh shut up," Astrid said irritably.

"That's easy for you to say! You didn't just come to within an inch of death just now!"

Astrid stood up so forcefully that Snot recoiled and retreated back to his corner.

"And anyway, is the ship flyable now?" Dr. Ingerman asked, hoping to lighten the tension.

" **All it needs is the man who owns it**." 2TH replied. " **Unless he's on another planet, in which case we're taking off at once**."

Astrid threw her arms up in exasperation. "And which planet would that be? And why?"

The Doctor went over to the ship's computer. "Perhaps I could contact the Intergalactic Lost and Found?"

Astrid's temper was getting worse. "And you think _that_ will help?"

"Have you got a better idea? Oooh, what's this? Oh, it's just a Fanfiction popup."

Snot came over to the screen, clicked on a few pages against the Doctor's approval, and laughed. "Look at this story!" he read the opening lines, "'The Vikings of the island of Berk had long prided themselves on their raw strength and toughness.' Ha! Like anyone's ever gonna read a story that begins with _that_!"

Astrid frowned. Abruptly she walked over, shoved them out of the way, and began typing on the keyboard.

"Hey!"

"Mein Princess, I was using that!" the Doctor cried.

"I've got an idea. Hand me my phone, will you?"

She dialed a number and waited. After a few moments she heard ringing and snapped at the others to be quiet.

At length someone picked up the phone on the other end. Astrid put it on speakerphone. Thus they all heard the recipient say, "This is Threni, writer of Fanfictions, speaking."

"By the Living Torque, she's calling the Author!" Dr. Ingerman gasped.

" **What**?" 2TH said.

Astrid ignored them. "Hi, Threni, this is…a very big fan of yours. I was just—"

"'A very big fan'? How'd you get this number?" the writer asked sharply.

Astrid laughed shakily. "Well, you know how it is. Nobody's information is safe on the Net."

Threni had to concede her point.

"So…my 'very big fan', what can I do for you today?"

"Well, I was looking at your 'Adventures in Space' story, and I was just wondering what had happened to Hiccup."

"Didn't you read the previous chapter?"

"Um…" Astrid frantically typed and scrolled through pages.

Snot muttered to the Doctor. "Threni. What kind of name is that?

"It's the name of a composition by the Earthling Igor Stravinsky. Its full title is _Threni id est lamentations Jeremiae Prophetae_."

"I didn't understand a thing you said."

"You never do," the Doctor mumbled under his breath.

Ignoring them, Astrid found the correct chapter and read:

When Trio woke up he found he was bound and gagged.

"Oh good, he's up!" Lady Furnacious leaned over Trio, her fanged barred as she sneered. "Caught ya this time, boy!" His eyes darted left and right and he saw he was in some kind of warehouse, surrounded by jeering mercenaries. Several of them came forward and forcefully picked him up. His mind was racing. How on earth had they found him? How was he going to escape now? What were they going to do to him?

They pushed him towards the opening of a large vat.

Turmogen suddenly looked concerned. "Guys, they only use this thing for dairy freezing. If we put him in there it might kill him."

"So?" Socket laughed, "Alvin won't care! He'll love the sight of Trio frozen! He'll probably hang him on a wall!"

"Put him in! Put him in!" other mercenaries chanted impatiently.

Lady Furnacious pulled a switch. Gasses rose from the floor and the vat made an ominous creaking sound. Trio struggled but in vain.

.

Astrid's eyes widened. "Mercenaries froze him in a giant stick of butter?"

" **WHAT**!" the robot bellowed as Snot burst out laughing. " **I'LL ZAP THEM INTO THE NEXT UNIVERSE**!"

"It's not funny, Snot! It might have a terrible effect on his cholesterol levels. They might go through the roof!" the Doctor cried.

They gathered around the computer to read the rest of the chapter. Parts were reread several times out loud, for fear they might have missed a tiny detail.

"But it doesn't say where they've taken him!" Astrid cried.

"Is it not obvious? They've taken him to Alvin." The Doctor said.

" **That doesn't narrow it down. Alvin has lots of palaces and hideouts**." 2TH snapped.

"Say," Snot grabbed the phone, "what's going to happen next in this story?"

"Who's this I'm talking to?"

"I'm Sno—I'm a friend of your very big fan! So what happens next? Who lives and who dies? Does the character of Snot get the girl?" he added with a knowing wink at Astrid, who clenched her hands as if she was getting ready to strangle him.

Nope! I'm not giving away anything more. You'll just have to wait until the next chapter is posted, like everyone else."

"Oh come on! _Please_? How does the story end?"

"Yeah!" Dr. Ingerman added eagerly, "Do the Separatists win?"

There was a pause. "Um…I don't know."

Snot was incredulous. "Whaddya _mean_ you don't know? You're the freaking author!"

"I don't know, all right? Do you think I plan out every little detail before I start writing? I keep telling myself 'I'll worry about the later chapters after I get through these ones.' At the moment all I've got in mind are a few humorous deaths for the villains and having Astrid end up becoming Hiccup's girlfriend. And I might change my mind about these things at any time."

Astrid's mouth dropped opened in surprise. Snot went from incredulousness to outrage. "Well _I_ suggest you change your mind about that."

"Hmm. I'll consider it. But it's a plot point I've been working up to throughout the story! My readers love 'Hiccup and Astrid' moments! And it plays a major role in this too! I mean, Snot wouldn't have betrayed Hiccup to Alvin the Glut if this element had been absent."

Astrid snatched the phone back as Snot blanched. " _What_ did you just say?"

"Well, after Snot left Hiccup and Astrid, he contacted Alvin the Glut to tell him where Hiccup is. Alvin then sent mercenaries to capture Hiccup and bring him to the planet of Tat-tooing."

All eyes turned to Snot, who had turned very pale.

Astrid clenched the phone but forcefully kept her voice level. "Why would Snot betray us like that?"

"Did I not make it apparent earlier? He thinks Hiccup's a rival for Astrid's affections. And though Astrid doesn't know it at this point in the story, he's right!"

Now it was Astrid's turn to turn pale. The Doctor was looking back and forth between the two humans. 2TH only wanted to punish Snot, but did nothing yet in case more information was about to come.

"So, yeah, that's what happened. Any other questions?"

"No, I think our curiosity is satisfied for the moment," Astrid said slowly, "Thanks for your time." She hung up and turned to Snot. As much as she was trembling with rage, Snot was trembling with fear. "So…"

Snot smiled feebly. "Um…those lies?"

"From the _author_?"

"They did say they change their mind a lot! Trio got what he deserved! He's a mercenary! Ast, he was trying to turn you against me!"

"Oh _please_ , Snot. You did that yourself a long time ago."

He braced himself for the blows he was expecting. 2TH-LS was all set to deliver them. But Astrid gestured for him to stay put. "All right. So you sold Hiccup out over some petty rivalry for…for my affections. All right. Stand right here, if you would." She pointed to a portion of the floor.

"Why? What's here?"

Astrid pulled the lever. The panel opened, and Snot was catapulted out of the ship.

"And never come back!" she yelled after him. "I'm guessing _that's_ why you have that lever, 2TH?"

" **Exactly** ,"

She turned to the Doctor, "Right. Now that _he's_ been dealt with, let's figure out a way to save Hiccup."

The Doctor eyed her uncertainly. "But…I am faced with a dilemma here. Shouldn't our priority be to bring the map to the High Command?"

Astrid paused. "Hiccup rescued me. Honor dictates I repay him."

"But, Mein Princess, the Separatists need the map as soon as possible, before the Federation catches up. Trio is encased in butter. He should be quite safe now. Aside from potential cholesterol increases, that is."

"Not if Alvin thaws him out and kills him."

"Unlikely, given that Threni said the plan was to have the two of you become lovers at the end of the story."

"That's not what—!"

The Doctor grew stern. "Perhaps that's why you want to save Trio first?"

" **Excuse me** ," 2TH-LS beeped crossly. " **But this ship still belongs to me and my human. Since he's absent, I decide where it will go, and I say we're going to Tat-tooing to rescue him. Your Separatist plans will just have to wait a little."**

"But—"

" **AND THIS IS NOT OPENED TO DEBATE!"**

.

Nut 1 scanned the area through her binoculars. "All right. The Strike Team should be arriving here within the hour. All we've gotta do is keep that ship from leaving."

Nut 2 held up a detonator. "This baby's all set! I just push this button and the wings get clipped. Now you're sure this is the right ship, right?"

"Positive…hey, look!"

They heard a 'twang' sound and saw Snot shoot out of the ship and land, face first, into the sand. The two androids cheered.

"Yeah!"

"Beautiful!"

"Does our ship do that?"

.

"All right," the Doctor formally announced, "I have a plan. First, we'll need to hire a few more mercenaries. They will infiltrate Alvin the Glut's palace, posing as guards in need of employment. 2TH-LS will then enter the place with a message asking for Trio's release, offering the robot up as a gift to show our goodwill."

" **Excuse me**?"

"Please leave your questions until after the briefing. Now, should Alvin reject the request, Princess Astrid will then enter the palace disguised as a mercenary and claim a bounty—we'll sort out who's bounty later—and then, when night falls she will release Trio from the butter. Most likely, they will be captured, with Trio ending up in the cells and Astrid forced to become Alvin's slave girl."

" _Excuse me_?"

"As I said, questions must wait until the end. Now, I shall enter the palace myself and demand everyone's release. Alvin will most likely send me off to fight a monster of his. I shall…err…bring along another hired mercenary to do the fighting for me. Anyhow, then Alvin will become angry and most likely order us to all get fed to another monster. At the last possible moment Trio will activate a Laser Sword that was cunningly concealed inside of 2TH, we shall then wipe out all of Alvin's people, kill Alvin the Glut, blow up his vehicles, and fly away. It's foolproof. Any questions?"

Astrid and 2TH stared at him.

"You have got to be kidding me. _That's_ the plan?"

The Doctor was offended. "Have you a better one?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." She held up an axe and began to sharpen it. "I found this in one of the footlockers." She pressed a button on the hilt and the blade lit up with electrical currents. "Since Alvin is one of the most loathsome people in the galaxy, my plan will be perfectly morally justifiable."

"He'll be expecting an attack of some kind. A man like him always is. And he's survived each and every one to date!" Dr. Ingerman pointed out nervously.

She smiled dangerously. "But he'll be dealing with _me_ this time."

.

Nut 2 prepared to press the detonator.

"Wait! Look!" Nut 1 cried. A squad of Federation Fly Troopers was approaching them.

"There you are," their commander said, "Right, where are the targets? Ah! Excellent. Right, boys, guns out and sweep the area!"

"But…sir? This outfit wasn't equipped with brooms!" one of them protested.

The CO was so astounded by this he stared at the man, mouth wide opened, for a solid minute before responding. "Shut up! You're embarrassing us! Now remember: we're the Fighting Fly Troopers of the Federation. Nothing escapes us! You're the Elite! So we're gonna go in there, surround the ship, force an entrance, and stun the occupants. Then we're gonna take them all to Lord Dagur and get promotions! But remember: we're the very best of the Federation, and nobody ever gets away from us!"

The Fly Troopers nodded vigorously.

At that moment the Condor's engines roared to life and the ship flew away.

"Remember: this _never_ happened! They were gone _before_ we got here!"

The Fly Troopers nodded extremely vigorously.

Nut 1 pointed yet again. "Look!"

The squad of soldiers saw Snot making his way irritably through the sand, unaware that he was being watched.

.

The Separatist High Command was experiencing a great deal of distress. When the first message from Dr. Ingerman: 'Obtained targets. Delayed. Stand by.' had arrived the High Command had ordered all ships to maintain their present course and for any ship that could to dock and conserve fuel. The Commanders had found some consolation in the use of the word 'targets', interpreting it to mean that both Princess Astrid _and_ the map were with the Doctor. But what had delayed them and how long the delay would be was anyone's guess, and a second, later message, which read 'Detour. Stand by.' did nothing to reassure anybody. And an ignorant person is dry kindling for the wildfires of Rumor and Worry. All anybody could do was wait and pray that everything would turn out alright—preferably _before_ they all went mad from anxiety.

And then came a new message, but not from Doctor Ingerman. It was from the spy codenamed Vogue One, the very spy who had provided the information that helped Astrid obtain the map while on the _Shattermaster_ , and it read: 'The Supreme Leader will command the _Shattermaster_ personally.'

General Vast decided they must act on this at once.

There was a great debate about what to do. Some suggested their ships attack the area on the _Shattermaster_ where the Supreme Leader would most likely be. Some asked why not just destroy the entire ship. Others asked why not wipe out the entire Federation fleet while they were at it. Some feared such an attack would fail and suggested Vogue One try and poison the man. Finally, General Vast offered to personally infiltrate the _Shattermaster_ and kill Don Viggo de Cappuccino.

His tone implied that he would accept no alternative suggestion, but that did not stop the other officers from trying.

"General, we cannot let you do this. We can't afford to lose you!"

"Killing Viggo won't bring your family back!"

"You'll never even reach him by yourself!"

And so on the arguments went. General Vast heard them out and at last held up a hand.

"I can do it, and I will, regardless of what you say. My mind is made up."

"You're making this too personal." A colonel said.

"I will do it because it's what ought to be done." he retorted. "That's how I became a general in the first place."

He indeed had once been a highly decorated general in the Federation army, a proud husband and father, and as upstanding a citizen as any in the Federation. Then one day his wife and infant son disappeared. Vast himself believed they had been kidnapped and sold into slavery, for no ransom was ever demanded and no bodies were ever found. Slavers occasionally targeted Upper Class families. Among other reasons, it was a kind of revenge, in their eyes, against the privileged classes.

At any rate, that was what General Vast believed. But the Federation authorities ignored his pleas for help, which virtually ended any hope or chance of finding his loved ones. In time he became convinced the authorities themselves had been behind it, suspecting Viggo had wanted to injure a potential rival for the Supremacy. If that was the intent he had partially succeeded, for General Vast's loyalty had turned to hatred and he soon joined the Separatists.

The General thanked his fellow officers for their concerns, but added he would go with or without permission, and he wanted a ship ready within the hour. With that he left the Command deck. As soon as he left the arguing broke out again.

"Stop him!"

"How? He's got the strength of ten men!"

"He might succeed, you know,"

"Against every Federation security measure protecting Viggo? He won't have a chance!"

"You tell him that!"

"He'll never listen."

"You know he's not doing this because he wants to strike a blow for the Separatists, it's because he wants to avenge his family!"

"Why do the motives matter? He avenges his family and the Federation Leader gets the boot. Two birds with one stone."

"And there's no stopping him when he gets like this."

"Aye, he's got stubbornness issues."

"So we're going to let him go to his _death_?"

"If he gets his hands on Viggo it'll be Viggo who dies. He's no match for General Vast in combat."

"But _will_ he get his hands on him? That's the real issue, isn't it? And what the heck is going on with the Princess and the Doctor? What's he mean by 'Detour'? What detour?"

In short, for the Separatist High Command things were not going as well as they might be.


	14. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Snot was led forcefully into a room in the center of the _Shattermaster_. The walls were painted an ugly yellow, and the room was completely bare except for a large chair in the center. And there, in the chair, sat the Supreme Leader of the Federation, Don Viggo de Cappuccino.

Titles aside, he looked highly unpretentious. He was a short man with short black hair and a short black beard, neatly trimmed. Snot was surprised. He had been expecting someone horribly disfigured and menacing, but this man looked rather handsome and almost frail.

And yet…there was a lean and hungry look about his eyes that the patriarchal appearance did not fully hide.

"Ah. The finest pilot in the Separatist fleet. Welcome. I have been expecting you. I trust my men were not hard on you?" he asked. His voice was soft and gentle.

"No, sir," one guard said quickly, "he came very quietly." It was true Snot had hardly put up a fight when they had taken him. He had been so angry with Astrid and that accursed Trio that he had almost welcomed the capture. "We ordered Nut's 1 and 2 to continue tracking the _Centennial Condor_."

"Good. He no longer needs the handcuffs. You may leave us." The guards and soldiers departed and soon only Snot was left to face the Supreme Leader.

"I am glad to see you." He said again. He pressed a button and a chair rose from the floor, close to his own. "Sit down, please."

Snot did so uncertainly. What was the game here?

For a few minutes they just sat in awkward silence, observing the other.

"So…I have heard that your Princess has deserted you for some mercenary."

"What about it?" Snot asked sharply.

"It just seems such a shame to me. The boy who showed his feelings so clearly, so often, cast aside like a piece of worn out equipment. And for what? For some stranger who lives among the unsavory. Some stranger who will like as not desert her when the next pretty face comes by. Some stranger who has no right to her affections. It is such a shame. Although…if I were you, I should not judge Astrid too harshly. Blame Trio for it," here Snot nodded in agreement, "—and be proud you gave him what he deserved when you sold him out."

Snot was surprised. "How'd you know about that? Have you been reading Fanfiction too?"

"Reading what? 'Fanfiction'? I know about that because the Torque has shown it to me."

Snot snorted. "The Torque?"

"The Torque. The mystical substance that controls the very existence of the Universe. Did they not tell you about it when they briefed you on your last mission? The mission you pulled out of because you needed rest?"

Snot thought a moment. "What does my last mission have to do with anything?"

"It concerned the Torque. Did they not tell you? I thought not. That is how they work. They leave you in the dark while expecting you to blindly obey their every whim and order."

"Oh they probably told me, I just…well, I tend to tune them out during those briefings." He sighed, "I mean, they're so _boring_! I just wanna fly in and blast something out of the sky, and they go on about _strategy_ and grand schemes—I just don't get that."

"You prefer the simple life," the Supreme Leader smiled, "as do I." He became grave. "But the galaxy becomes difficult, even in victory. Dilemma after dilemma, decision after decision comes up. For example, what shall I do with the Separatists when I win?" He sighed, as if bowed by the cares of office. "I've always known anyone who betrays their government should be punished, and treason is usually punished by death. But I never—I've never wanted such a fate for you, Snot. I've worked my whole life—and I don't apologize for anything—trying to take care of my government. And I have refused to be under anybody else's control. I refused to dance on a string. I don't apologize, that's the way I've lived, and I've lived the way I want, and I've always hoped that once you grew older…for I've paid a great deal of attention to your career, ever since your pilot academy days…that you would one day help me hold the strings. Supreme Leader Snot always had a good ring to it."

"Yeah, it does." Snot had to admit. He brightened at the thought.

"Doesn't it? Think about it, Snot. I am the Supreme Leader of the Federation. I am wrapped in immense power. Power to do anything I like. Ah, I am glad you're alive to see it. I am bigger than all the steel industries, the soda companies, the electronic manufacturers—why, I am bigger than _any_ company or corporation. Even the online shop and delivery services are nothing compared to me! I have nearly all the power in the galaxy a man could possibly have and soon I will have even more of power—power that I might be willing to share with you."

"Why me? I thought Lord Dagur was your right hand man."

The Supreme Leader grew scornful. "Dagur is finished. He had Princess Astrid in his grip and he still hasn't been able to recapture her. He is nothing to me now. But _you_ …I can see something special in you. I can see some power deep inside you that the Separatists won't make use of, either because they can't see it or because they fear it. Of course, there is one small problem…"

Snot eyed him curiously. "What problem?"

Viggo contemplated a moment. "How much do you know about the Torque?"

"Only what you've just told me."

"Do you know of its origins?"

"No."

"I thought as much. I knew the Separatists would not tell you this story."

"Story?"

"Yes. I told you that the Torque is the substance that controls everything in the Universe. To those who learn to use it, it grants immense power. I have the power to see the future, the past, the present, to move things larger than I, and I even wield the power to take life in ways no one else can. And there is more to gain. Such abilities have been clear since time began—"

"When was that?" Snot interrupted.

"A Wednesday in the middle of March. The Torque revealed that to me. But, to continue, only recently has anyone begun to ask where the Torque itself originated from." He smiled. "I have learned the truth. It originated on the lost moon of Eren'dor."

Snot thought. "I think I've heard that name before…"

"The map Princess Astrid stole from this ship? You see, over the years I have sent out teams of archeologists to unearth the secrets of the Torque. Recently, one of them discovered the fragments of an ancient map that led to Eren'dor. But the convoy was attacked by Separatists as it was being delivered to me. Some of the pieces were taken. The ones that reached me were insufficient to find a way to the moon. Evidently the Separatists had the same problem with their portion. So, using the help of a spy named 'Vogue One', they sent Princess Astrid to infiltrate this very ship and steal a digital copy of the fragments I possess. You were supposed to pick her up, but you pulled out and in desperation they hired Trio."

Snot was confused. "I knew something of this, but…what's so special about this moon? Why is everyone going to such lengths to find it?"

"On Eren'dor the Torque, in its most pure shape and essence, is said to take the form of a blue stone—a stone of such power that whoever wields it will become the most powerful being in the universe."

Snot's eyes widened. "Whoa."

"Exactly. The Separatists want it for their own ends. If they obtain it, that means the end of my life and of my government. A new age of tyranny will begin. But if I obtained it—" his eyes burned with lust, his voice rose with excitement, "it would mean the cementing of my power, the end of all rebellions, and the conquest of every galaxy in existence. With such power, I could even create new galaxies. That power would set me up as a very God—and when I have the stone I shall have that power and nothing will hinder me again!"

He dropped the powerful posture. "But of course, I would be quite willing to share it with _you_. Once we have the stone there will be power enough to go around for all of us. But only through me can you hope to gain that power!"

Snot was stumped by what he was hearing. So the plan had been to obtain an all-powerful stone and control the very cosmos? And they had not thought to tell _him_ that? He felt a surge of anger. Why, he would show them! He would show Astrid he was better than that stupid Trio! He would show everyone!

Then he recalled something unpleasant. "Wait a minute—you said punished by death. Doesn't that mean—?"

Viggo laughed. "You needn't fear for your life! If I was going to execute you for treason I would have done so already."

"But what about Ast? Sorry, I mean, Princess Astrid?"

Viggo meditated. "Well, her crimes are great, but I _could_ be persuaded to issue a few pardons. It would be small potatoes to me. She might even be small potatoes compared to what you _could_ have. Think about it—the second most powerful man in the galaxy, wielding as much power as any man can have. Imagine what you could do with such power."

Snot did. And he liked it.

.

General Vast guided his ship into one of the hangers on the _Shattermaster._ It was ridiculously easy to get clearance to land, he reflected. Just tell them some big dignitary had arrived and would not tolerate the slightest delay, that the ship had a Separatist design so that the Separatists would assume it was one of theirs, and that the controllers had not been informed of the arrival because no one had felt the need to inform the lower peons and they had better not question decisions from Higher Up. Unknowingly he had used words and threats similar to what Doctor Ingerman had used when rescuing Princess Astrid, with similar results. He landed and quickly made his way towards the center of the ship, where the Supreme Leader would be. He was determined to cut down anyone in his path but, to his surprise, no one appeared. The long corridors were deserted. It was almost as if they _wanted_ him to be there.

Did they? He had to wonder.

There were a few guards in front of the door, but they were easily dealt with. Then he opened the door and strolled in, cool as ice.

And there was Viggo, sitting in his chair, looking equally cool and collected. Snot was there too, rather to the General's surprise, but he kept his attention on Viggo.

"General Vast," the Supreme Leader said calmly, "Have you come to surrender?"

Vast held up a hammer. "In the name of the Separatists, I am here to overthrow you, 'Supreme Leader'."

"Are you _threatening_ me, General?"

"Well obviously! But I'll give you a chance: come quietly and perhaps the Separatists will show mercy."

"The Separatists are finished." Viggo retorted.

"Not yet." Vast said calmly, though deep down he worried about what Viggo meant. What was happening during his absence?

Viggo stood up. He fiddled with an extendible knife in his hand. "It's treason, then."

"Of course it is. That's what it's always been, from your point of view."

With a loud cry the Supreme Leader suddenly lunged at him. General Vast casually swung his hammer and sent him flying into the wall. Snot looked back and forth at them anxiously.

" _You're_ the one who's finished, 'my Lord'," Vast said, approaching the leader on the floor. He enjoyed the sight. "My family will be avenged. The Federation will be destroyed so utterly it will never return. You have lost."

"No." Viggo croaked. He sounded like a cross between a frog and an orc. "No! NO! _You_ have lost!" He raised his hands. Bolts of purple lightning suddenly shot forth from his finger tips at the General. "He's a traitor!"

"I believe we already established that!" Vast instinctively held his hammer in front of him defensively, and the lightning rebounded upon the Supreme Leader, warping and twisting one side of his face!

Viggo cried, "Snot! I have the power to give you anything you want! Full benefits! Medical and Dental! Paid time off! 401K plans and all the fan girls you could possibly ask for! Ohhhhh!" he wailed, "I can't hold him!"

"Don't listen to him, Snot!" Vast cried. It was all he could do to keep his hammer steady.

"Look what he's doing to me!"

"Well maybe if you'd stop shooting that stuff—!"

"Help me, Snot, help me! Together we'll rule the galaxy!" Viggo's voice grew weaker but the lightning was fired with as much strength as ever. Snot was still looking back and forth between the two men, torn between sides. "You must choose! I have the power to give you the girl of your dreams! Don't let him kill me!"

"He's lying, Snot, he'd promise you anything you want! He can't be trusted!"

"I c-can't h-hold him any longer…"

"You said that several minutes ago!"

The lightning did not slacken.

"I'm…too weak! Ohhhhhhh, my face, my face!"

"Well maybe if you'd stop shooting that stuff—!" General Vast said again and, as if on cue, the lightning stopped. Viggo's head flopped back onto the floor. The left side of his face was hideously covered in red burn marks, as if the veins had swollen horribly. The eye was milky white.

"I'm…too…weary…Snot, help me…"

"I've had enough of this!" Vast cried, "I'm going to end this once and for all!"

Snot stirred at last. "What?"

"I'm going to avenge my family and strike the final blow for the Separatists!"

Viggo sat up indignantly. "I had nothing to do with your family's disappearance!"

"Liar! You feared I was so popular I might challenge your position! So you decided to crush my spirit by taking those I loved most from me!" Vast raised his hammer.

Viggo became genuinely worried now. "No! Don't do it! I have unlimited resources! We'll help you find them!"

"Don't do it!" Snot suddenly cried. "I mean…not like this! We're supposed to be the moral ones! He should…stand trial!"

"Trial? He has control of every court in the Federation! Besides, he's not worth the effort." Vast snarled. His eyes glinted. "I am worthy enough to be a judge, and I find him guilty!"

"No!" Viggo pleaded. "Snot, I'll give you free chocolate every other week!" Vast raised his hammer higher and aimed.

That sealed the deal for Snot. He shouted "NO!" and threw himself at the General. He might have tried to move a mountain for all the good it would have done him; the General was such a powerful man. He did not even budge as Snot tried to get him to move.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, looking down at the intimidated boy.

"Um…trying to stop you?" Snot said timidly. Viggo rolled his one good eye.

Vast pushed him away almost lazily. "Now, Viggo, where were we?"

But Viggo had seized the opportunity to roll away and out of reach, and at that very moment the door opened and a host of guards in red burst in, weapons out.

"Well it's about time!" Viggo growled, picking himself up.

One guard said nervously, "You said to leave you, sir. You never said anything about when to come back!"

"Captain, I don't want this stunted moron in my sight again!"

Vast was surrounded almost at once. He was prepared to go down fighting but Viggo raised a stun gun and fired, laughing as he did so. "Yes _General_ , this was a trap. I knew you would come. The Torque revealed it to me! Now I give you a taste of my Power! Magnificent Power!"

Vast only staggered a bit, dazed.

Viggo fiddled with the weapon. "Hang on a moment, let me adjust the setting." He fired two more times, and finally Vast fell to the floor. "Impressive. This usually works on the first try."

It took the combined strength of each and every guard to drag the General from the room.

"I don't want anything to happen to him until the Separatists are destroyed." The Supreme Leader ordered. "Until then, keep him alive." He turned to an aide. "Prepare a public statement. I was brutally attacked in my room— _in my own room_ , mark that—the attempt on my life has left me scarred, but my powers have never been strong. Etc, etc, etc, you can fill out the rest with the usual. You may go." He looked delighted as he spoke to himself, "this is further proof that the Torque is on my side. The visions told me this attack would come and that I would survive it! And it is true!"

Snot sank into a chair. "What have I done?"

"Not much," the Supreme Leader retorted, "But there is the potential for you to do more and fulfill your destiny."

"Did you mean what you promised?"

"Yes I did."

"Even the bit about the free chocolate?"

"Yes, yes," Viggo said impatiently, "I am a reasonable man. But now we have greater things to worry about."

But Snot was not entirely sold yet. "Just promise me—"

"Well?"

"Just promise me I get Astrid when this is over."

"Consider it done."

"Really?"

"I am a man of my word." The Leader replied imperiously.

Snot nodded. "Then I'm on your side. Be my friend, Supreme Leader?"

Don Viggo de Cappuccino held out his hand and Snot kissed it. "Good. Good. A powerful member of the Federation you shall be. Henceforth, Snot, you shall be known as… _Lord_ Snot."

He bowed his head. "I am honored…" he raised his pinky in salute, "Health and Wealth to the Supreme Leader!"

There would be neither of those for General Vast or to the Separatist fleet they were now speeding towards, if the Supreme Leader had his way.


	15. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Tat-tooing was a desert planet, so named because the first people to live there had been experts at tattoo artistry. Due to colonization from other planets this race had been largely wiped out. Over time the planet had become a hive for crime, self gratification, vice, and excess. In other words, it was the Las Vegas of this galaxy. That suited the crime lord Alvin the Glut perfectly. After his ascent to power he built a lavish (and fortified) palace for himself and made it one of the hubs of his criminal empire.

The Federation had longed to get its hands on his wealth and contacts, and to add yet another planet to their own empire. But, although the Supreme Leader would never publically admit it, the war with the Separatists was draining Federation resources, and it was common sense not to start a second conflict. The Separatists also left Alvin the Glut alone. They had not the strength to battle both him and the Federation, and they were so repulsed by him they would not have dealings or an alliance with him. So during the war Alvin had been largely free to carry out his illegal enterprises as he pleased. Few people dared to cross him, and those who did usually disappeared forever. And the most recent person to cross him was now hanging on his wall, encased in butter.

Yes, Trio had been delivered to Alvin the Glut by the group of mercenaries. Only a few of those who had frozen Trio had actually made it to Tat-tooing: the rest had all 'mysteriously expired' throughout the journey over. Such is what happens where there is a large profit that will have to be divided. Mercenaries just _hate_ sharing large chunks of money.

But Alvin did not care about the casualties. He was delighted by the prize and paid for it without hesitation. True, he did not have the robot 2TH-LS back, or the _Centennial Condor_ , the prize he wanted most, but he liked the sight of Trio in butter so much he hung it up on his wall and decided to throw a party to celebrate. It should be noted that he was rather off his guard now. He could not imagine any sizable force coming to rescue Trio, and he flattered himself that he had the manpower and weaponry to protect his person. Consequently, security was a bit lax.

His party contained all of the 'D's in life that Alvin loved so much: Drugs, Delicacies, Drinks, and Dancing Damsels. Later, after a Doze, he planned to have a Demolition Derby.

As he indulged himself and watched the performances, he had no idea that a destroying angel was on his doorstep—and I am not talking about the mushroom either.

.

For the men guarding the palace door, there was nothing to celebrate. All they were doing was watching the vast desert hour after hour, sweating enough to make short-lived puddles. They took bets on whether the intense heat or total boredom would kill them first. They longed to go inside, to escape the sun, to do something, _anything_ , besides staring forward in a daze, mouth opened and panting, at the unchanging sea of sand.

Then a black dot appeared on the horizon.

They stared at it, uncertain of what to make of it.

The dot grew a little larger. It seemed to be getting closer.

"What is it?" one guard whispered.

The shape grew a little larger, to the point where it was no longer really a 'dot'. More like a 'blob'.

The guards exchanged glances and went on staring.

The shape now became decidedly human and it was getting closer.

The guards exchanged glances again and went on staring.

The human was getting closer. They seemed to be holding something which was reflecting the blazing sunlight. Now they got even closer, coming at a run, and the guards could see the person was a beautiful woman with hair gold as the desert sand. They decided at that moment that this had to be a mirage. No beautiful woman would ever come running towards them unless she was a vision.

And then she got so close they could see her very angry face, and saw that the reflective object she was holding was an axe.

" _Hi-yah_!" Astrid roared as she slammed her weapon into the nearest guard. He crumpled onto the ground like a wilted flower.

"Hey!" the other guard said, "vision ladies don't do that!"

Astrid punched him in the face. "I'm no vision, muttonhead."

2TH-LS and the Doctor came up behind her. Explosives were planted and the great iron door was almost completely blasted off its hinges.

.

The music was playing so loudly that the people in Alvin's throne room heard the noise only barely, and did not register what it meant until Astrid stormed in.

"All right! Anybody who wants to live better leave right now!"

Alvin's face lit up. "Well hello there, my pretty little—"

But she had seen the butter on the wall and her temper snapped. More so than before, I mean. "HANG MY FRIEND ON A WALL, WILL YOU?" She threw her axe into one of Alvin's bodyguards.

"Hey! He cost me 23 gold pieces a week! Of course, now I won't have to pay him anymore," Alvin mused.

"You're not going to be paying anybody anymore!" She seized her axe and leapt at the nearest guard. Then she went for Alvin.

"Save me!" he shrieked, but his bodyguards ran in terror; a sensible thing to do. At the last possible moment Alvin pressed a button. A trapdoor appeared under him and he dropped through it. The door closed as soon as he was past it and Astrid's axe swung through merely thin air.

"COWARD!"

She spun around and took her anger out on the nearest person. So sudden was her attack that the guard's reaction was pathetic and woeful. Then she went for the next one who dared to stand against her, and again, and again. The palace was in chaos, such chaos that nobody thought to gang up on her with overwhelming numbers, but instead the attacks came piecemeal and random, and Astrid had the advantage in such combat. Fighting her was also made difficult by the appearance of 2TH, who kept banging into people's legs and making them stumble, which by extension made them easy targets to take out.

Yet Astrid did not get so out of control that she attacked anything that moved. She spared the slaves, nearly all of whom were fleeing. It was easy to tell them from the guards and mercenaries: they had chains and no weapons. As for the mercenaries, seeing their boss disappearing as this ferocious woman dealt mercilessly with their fellows was enough to convince them to run too. That was loyalty in the criminal underworld for you. And those who did opt to stick around and fight quickly came to regret it. Astrid was a perfect fiend with her axe, and 2TH, while perhaps less spectacular of a fighter, was just as tough. He had some personal scores to settle.

One mercenary fired a blaster at him. He rolled down a corridor to jockey for position. The mercenary followed, muttering curses as he reloaded. Looking up he saw 2TH had used a grappling hook to get onto a banister.

" **If you homo-sapiens are as smart and powerful as you claim to be, why don't you come up here and get me**?" the robot taunted. He released the grappling hook and flung himself right into the mercenary's stomach, knocking the wind clean out of him.

Meanwhile, Doctor Ingerman was cowering in the hall's entryway, cringing at all the violence, shouting advice that nobody could hear, and praying that Astrid would come out on top. There Lady Furnacious found him and tossed a thermal explosive at him.

"Catch, Wheels!"

The Doctor tossed it back. "I believe this belongs to you!"

She tossed it back to him. "It's yours now!"

"You can have it!"

"I insist!"

The Doctor tossed it back yet again, crying frantically, "Please, have it and stop trying to kill me! It's not my fault you're not the most popular Mercenary these days!"

She was indignant. "What? I am too the most popular Mercenary! I'm the most popular, the deadliest, hottest, have the best dental work, have the—"

"No you're not! The latest poll showed H. Trio beating you by a margin of twenty-two points!"

"Ha! That cute little loser beating me in the polls? Prove it!"

"I will. Here, hold this a minute." He passed her the explosive, made as if to pull out his D.U.M.B phone, and bolted.

"Hey! Where do you think you're—" she looked down at the explosive she was holding. "Oh no."

"I don't think those fangs of hers will be so good now," the Doctor chuckled to himself. Then he gasped and dug his tense fingers into his cheeks. "What _have_ I done?"

The Lady appeared behind him, her clothes torn to shreds and her face covered in soot. "Nothing compared to what _I'm_ going to do to _you_ , Fish man!" She grabbed his chair. The Doctor, nearly having a panic attack, pressed a button on the armrest. There was a loud blast and an invisible force threw Furnacious into the wall.

"Compressed Seismic Charges imbedded in my wheel spokes." He grinned sheepishly. "I'll bet 2TH can't do things like that!"

He watched the robot speeding after a man whilst twirling a pair of electronic bolas. "Oh sehnsucht!"

.

The Doctor need not have worried about Astrid coming out on top. She always came out on top in a fight, and very soon Alvin the Glut's throne room was virtually deserted. Astrid steered herself towards the butter hanging on the wall.

"We'll get you out of there, Hiccup, don't worry," she muttered.

But when she tried to access the computer terminal which held the butter in place, an automated voice said "Voice Key Incorrect. Access Denied."

"Oh come on!" she yelled, banging on the terminal.

2TH barreled into her. " **Out of my way! I'll get that thing to release him. Computer, calculate for me: [the odds of finding an honest politician] divided by [the odds of finding an intelligent politician] to the power of [the odds of finding an effective politician] times [the median mass of a politician's ego]**."

The computer wheezed for a few seconds and then blew up.

" **One of the most difficult equations in existence** ," 2TH announced ominously. " **It nearly always brings destruction upon those who attempt to calculate it**."

"Have you ever calculated it?" Dr. Ingerman asked curiously.

" **Yes. The answer was .0013**."

The Doctor was about to ask if the robot had just made up the number, but an impatient growl from Astrid brought his attention back to the rescue. With the computer destroyed the wall hanging dropped onto the floor with a loud clank. Doctor Ingerman quickly set about punching buttons on the side of the slab, and before long the butter began to glow red and melt away. Now it was Trio's turn to drop onto the floor, only he did so with a 'thud' rather than a 'clank'.

" **He's not breathing**!" 2TH shouted. " **Quick! Do that mouth to mouth thing you humans do**!"

"Are you talking to me?" Dr. Ingerman exclaimed.

" **Yes! Do mouth to mouth**!"

Dr. Ingerman paled at the implications and he began to splutter. "You…want me to…put my mouth…b-but I'm a man!"

"Well nobody's perfect, but you're a doctor, aren't you? Aren't you guys supposed to know how to heal people?" Astrid demanded.

"I'm not _that_ kind of doctor! And besides I—I hardly know him!" He looked at Astrid frantically. "You do it! You're supposed to be future lover! Go ahead and put your lips on his!"

Astrid looked at him in disgust. 2TH lost all patience and zapped Trio in the chest. After a tense wait he did it again. Astrid crouched down in front of Trio.

"C'mon Hiccup, wake up!"

As if on command he started coughing, nearly spewing his germs into Astrid's face. He opened his eyes.

"Whoa," he said groggily, a silly smile forming on his face, "this is the best dream ever. I can almost reach up and touch it…" he raised an arm and, possibly unaware of what he was actually doing, pressed it right up against Astrid's nose, "I _can_ reach out and—"

Astrid reacted instinctively and struck him in the face.

"OW! And it can reach down and touch me! AUGH!"

2TH-LS angrily zapped Astrid's leg. " **Leave my human alone! Hasn't he been through enough already**?"

"It was self defense!" she snapped back, kicking out at the robot. "Now get those explosives planted! Doctor, help me get Hiccup out of here!"

"But I haven't got the hiccups!" the young man said cheerfully.

"It's quite possible that waking from Butter Freeze will cause a disoriented state," the Doctor told her as they got Trio to his feet. He swayed in place and was largely unaware of what they were doing to him. "Dizziness, incoherency, possible amnesia, and the like can be expected. It should soon pass, however."

"Good," she groaned under Hiccup's weight, "I'm not sure I'm going to like him like this."

"You'll get used to me in no time, milady! Whew, I feel like I'm in zero gravity right now."

.

Nuts 1 and 2 were beginning to get tired of pursuing the _Centennial Condor_ all over the galaxy, and being on a desert planet with no shade and the temperature reaching triple digits did nothing to improve their mood. Truly it may be said their tempers matched the temperature.

"The sun's doing murder to my circuits." Nut 1 moaned.

"I hate my life," Nut 2 agreed. They watched Princess Astrid emerge from Alvin the Glut's palace, pulling Trio along with her, but they felt little inclination to go after them.

"It's sooooo _hotttttttttttt_ ,"

"Please Almighty and Everlasting Torque let them go to an ice planet next."

Then they saw the Doctor and 2TH emerge from the palace.

"Shouldn't we try to capture them?"

"I don't wanna do anything right now."

"Me neither."

They lay in the sand and moaned.

And then the palace blew up.

The two Nuts at once sat bolt upright. Their faces beamed with sheer pleasure as they watched the massive monument to decadence explode, flinging burning pieces of scrap in every direction.

"YAY!"

"I've died and gone to paradise!" Nut 2 said dreamily.

Due to time constraints, 2TH had only placed explosives on the lower levels of the palace. The upper levels therefore escaped the direct explosion, and with nothing to support them anymore they teetered and collapsed into the sand like a huge pile of boulders. The sight made the two androids even happier.

"You know," Nut 2 remarked, "it always seems that the Separatists get to do all the cool stuff…and all the Federation does is send us to crummy planets and threaten to deactivate us."

"I know what you mean," Nut 1 replied, "sometimes I think if it wasn't for General Eret I'd gladly swap sides."

.

Alvin the Glut was furious. He had fled from his palace intending to get reinforcements and counterattack, and now it was blown to pieces! Even worse, soon his reputation would be in shambles too. And he did not even know who was responsible for this outrage!

"But I'll find out who did this. This little incident is not the end!" he swore, "This is only the—!"

At that moment he tripped over a rock and fell on his face.

.

Astrid watched the explosion from the _Condor's_ windows. She smiled. She had saved a friend, repaid a debt, wiped out a crime lord and his despicable entourage, freed his slaves, and made a demonstration of Separatist power that the whole galaxy would soon be talking about, and soon the Doctor and 2TH would arrive and they would rejoin the Fleet and strike an even bigger blow to the Federation. Not bad for one day's work.

Yet not all the palace had been destroyed. Its garage which, according to 2TH, housed numerous ships and vehicles had been spared. Since Alvin's slaves were now free, they had decided to leave the garage intact so the slaves could take the ships and go where they pleased. They had no way of knowing that Alvin was also making for the garage. In fact, Astrid assumed he had been killed in the explosion, but there was no time to make sure.

"Milady?"

She turned around and nearly screamed. Hiccup Trio was standing in front of her, and he was wearing a frock coat that resembled the skin of a Blue-Ringed Octopus, a black vest with magenta, fist sized polka dots on it, orange shoes and purple spats, sea blue pants with black pinstripes, a tiger striped tie, spiky blue sunglasses, and a neon green scarf. A pair of goggles rested upon his head.

"What do you think?" he asked eagerly. "How do I look?"

"Um…? Hiccup, your clothes..."

"I think they go well with my toenails. You know, you look very beautiful when you're startled."

Astrid struggled to answer and not blush. "You're still recovering from the Butter Freezing thing, aren't you?" She sincerely hoped it was that.

"What do you mean? You don't like the way I dress now?" He looked upset.

"Hiccup, here's the thing: we're kind of fugitives right now. We ought to be as inconspicuous as possible." Ironic coming from someone who had just taken on an entire crime syndicate, but she flattered herself that she knew when to blend in or not.

He looked himself over. "You mean to say I stand out? That someone might notice me? That I might give away our cover?"

"Welllll….there _might_ be a teeny-tiny chance of it."

A crestfallen Trio went to put on his regular duds, leaving the Princess to wonder where the heck he had gotten those clothes in the first place.

She also wondered briefly if she should change her own clothes, a sensible thing to do after combat, but she doubted there were any clothes for women on board. In fact, she rather hoped not.

2TH rolled onto the ship. " **It's all done. That cursed palace is now a bunch of rubble—and the garage is perfectly intact. I estimate it'll be emptied within two hours.** "

"Good."

"I think," said Doctor Ingerman slowly as he joined them, "that we have spent enough time on roundabout schemes, and that we ought to rejoin the Separatists now."

Trio called from his room, "You mean rejoin those we're separated from?"

2TH-LS went to start the ship. Astrid decided to check on Trio and make sure he was not doing anything crazy. To her relief he was wearing his normal clothes, except he still had on the long coat with the blue ringed octopus pattern. He had also added a bowtie.

"How's this?" he asked, swaying a little.

"Good enough, I suppose," she said, holding out a hand to steady him. "But lose the bowtie."

"But they're cool!"

"Not when they're black with pink polka dots they're not." And with that she pulled it from his neck (he had not tied it on properly). As if this was the time to play dress up! She smiled as if satisfied now with Trio's appearance, and then became aware of how close to each other they were standing.

He became aware of it as well. He looked into her eyes, his mouth slightly opened. It seemed as if he wanted badly to say something to her and was working up the nerve to do it.

"Astrid?"

"Yes?" she asked. The atmosphere suddenly seemed thick with tension. Trio involuntarily took a step back.

"Hiccup?"

"Yes?"

"The ladder chute—"

"What about it?"

"You're about to—"

He took another step backwards and fell down the ladder chute in question. Astrid winced as he banged into a number of barrels and tin cans.

"—about to step into it," she finished.

"This is _not_ the best dream ever!" he moaned as he clutched his head. "Thawed out of butter, dragged from a palace, forced to change my clothes repeatedly, dropped down a chute…oh man what next, hallucinations?"

A green, furry Grouch poked his head out of a barrel and said moodily, "What's all the noise?"

"Oscar! What're _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, just another short and random cameo."

"Consider yourself lucky," Trio laughed bitterly, "Do you have any idea what they put _me_ through in all these starring roles?"

.

In the cells of the Shattermaster the prisoners were singing loudly and glumly.

" _Sometimes I feeeeel like a motherless childddddddd_

 _A longgggggg wayyyyyyyyys from homeeeeeeeeeee_!"

It was amazing the bars did not shatter.

General Vast kicked the wall irritably. Some plaster fell to the floor. "Will you knock it off?" he yelled.

"Yeah," a fellow prisoner said, "Sing something less depressing."

"Or don't sing at all!" Vast growled. He wanted some peace and quiet so he could come up with a plan.

The prisoner chorus quietly consulted for a moment and then sang,

" _It's a world of laughter, a world of_ —"

"SHUT UP!" Vast roared at once.

Other prisoners began laughing, perhaps for the first time in months.

"Save it for the next time Lord Dagur shows up. He hates that song."

"Hey, maybe if we sing it loud enough he'll set us free."

"More likely his head'll explode."

"I'd like to see that!"

Vast did his best to ignore them. Instead he sat back, staring at the bars that prevented him from leaving his cell, and thought of his lost family.

"Forgive me," he whispered, "I've failed you again. But it's only a temporary setback. I _will_ avenge you, one day soon. Give me the strength I need to, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Don't worry Valka…Hal…I will finish this once and for all. I just need more time."


	16. Intermission

**Intermission**

I have received complaints that my stories keep people awake at night and distract them from doing other things. So I have inserted here a convenient point for you to close this window and do something else.


	17. Entr'acte

**Entr'acte**

An entr'acte is a piece of music to let the audience know the show is about to start up again, so put on some music you like and let's move onto the next chapter:


	18. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The _Centennial Condor_ sped its way towards Gronkle-5. Silence was everywhere on the ship. Even the engines were hardly making any noise, which was such a rarity that Trio decided to inspect the ship. Eventually he joined his black robotic friend in the cockpit.

"Our passengers are sleeping like koalas."

" **Well, they have stayed up for quite a while under extremely stressful circumstances**. **How are you feeling? Are you coherent now?** "

"Perfectly."

" **So your head is on straight again? As much as it ever is, I mean**."

Trio pretended to laugh at the joke. "Yes, bud, my head is just fine. And unlike our guests, I'm not tired at all. Evidently being frozen in butter is refreshing for the body."

" **And speaking of which** —" 2TH zapped him in the leg.

"Augh!"

" **Never do that to me again! I was worried sick**!"

Trio clutched his jittering limb, "I'm gonna deactivate that zapper of yours one of these days."

" **You won't and you know it**."

"Sheesh…I get frozen in butter, hung on a wall by our former master, behave like a drunk moron when released, and instead of showing some sympathy my best friend sends a jolt of electricity through my body." Trio threw himself into his chair, arms folded as if in a snit.

" **Well if you'd stop getting yourself into these situations I wouldn't have to keep reminding you to take care of yourself**."

Trio patted the robot affectionately. "I didn't exactly ask for any of that, bud."

" **I know that, but still…I don't want to lose you, you know**."

"And I thought robots couldn't feel anything."

" **Maybe the inferior ones, perhaps, but I happen to be highly advanced**!"

"And modest too," Trio muttered, "I wonder who programmed that into you."

He looked out a window at the stars. He could make out some planets nearby, great spheres floating like balloons, and to the right he could see the stunningly vivid green and red clouds of a nebula.

"It's so beautiful here in space," he said softly, "a limitless frontier where I go wherever I wish. I simply turn the ship a little and I see an object of unsurpassed beauty that no one has ever seen before. I turn the other way and see some new surprise. New planets, new species, new sights and sounds and even tastes…all of the injustices of this government and that one, all the corruption and hatred become forgotten and worthless. Who wouldn't live in space if they had a choice?"

" **Nah, it would get a bit crowded if everyone thought like that**."

"Way to ruin the mood, Bud." He glanced down the corridor to where the others were. "You know, I'm a bit surprised they came after me. Did you force them at zapper point?"

" **I** _ **might**_ **have made some subtle hints. But the Princess Lady also seemed to think she owed you**."

Trio was surprised. "She did?"

" **She did. But as I said, I didn't give her much of a choice. You're welcome."**

"Thank you. So we're really free from Alvin now? No more bounty hunters after our heads?"

" **I don't know, honestly.** " 2TH suddenly sniggered. " **I suppose you dreamt of her a few times while you were frozen, didn't you**?"

Trio thought a moment, while trying not to blush. "I…I don't remember."

" **Sure you don't**."

"I don't! And even if I did, why would I—" a button began blinking and beeping, "Looks like we're coming up on Gronkle-5."

He pulled a lever and the ship suddenly slowed. Through the window, looking to the right, they could now see a gray, battered looking planet. Near it was a fleet of ships, which they took to be the Separatists. And to the left, and considerably closer to them, was another fleet of ships. At the head of this second fleet was the _Shattermaster_.

"Um, guys?" Trio called, "we've got a slight situation here."

Astrid came running up, "What's going on?"

"Well, we've just reached our destination, and—"

"And we're now right in front of a Federation fleet! Get us out of here!"

Trio hardly needed any urging, but the Federation ships were still moving towards them.

The Doctor had arrived now. "What are we doing over here? Our fleet's over there! We're on the wrong side!"

"Anybody can make a mistake," Trio said testily.

" **Especially you** ,"

"Cut the jokes," Astrid ordered as she sat down near a terminal, "we've got a few minutes before the fleets engage each other." They could see the ships on both sides taking up attacking positions. "If I could transmit the map to Eren'dor to High Command right now, they could turn tail and journey there before the Federation knew what was happening!"

"The Federation will intercept your transmission." The Doctor pointed out.

"Not if their attention is focused on something else. Hiccup, can you distract them?"

Trio grinned. "Bud, hail the _Shattermaster_."

.

Lord Dagur was surprised to see the _Centennial Condor_ appear out of the blue, but he was also delighted. "So we meet again! This time we'll blast you to pieces!"

"Sir!" cried Mr. Larsen, "They're signaling us!"

"Excellent! Patch them through." Lord Dagur drew himself up importantly, "now hear this! Your fleet is about to be destroyed and you along with it! Prepare yourselves for death, for today we will wipe you Separatists from the face of the Universe! And after you're all gone, never again will anyone dare oppose the Federation! Dwell on those happy thoughts while you meet your demise! Mwahahahaha!"

Mr. Larsen raised a hand timidly. "Um, sir? The transmitter wasn't turned on yet."

Dagur's face turned red. The crew had a hard time not laughing. "That…that was…that was practice! Yeah that's right: you've got to be well rehearsed when making dastardly threats, you know! Right, I'm ready now. Is the transmitter on?"

"Yes sir."

"Good! Now then," he cleared his throat and said again, "Now hear this! Your fleet is about to be—"

Over the airwaves came a nasally voice saying, "Thank you for calling Hiccup's Bar and Grill. We cannot come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. Thank you. Goodbye."

Dagur turned to Larsen in surprise. "Hiccup's Bar and Grill? What's that and why are we calling them?"

"I don't know, sir. I thought they were calling us!"

"Hmm. Try turning off the transmitter and turning it back on again."

As they did the two Androids arrived, looking weary and a little worse for wear.

This time the voice on the other end said, "Thank you for calling Hiccup's Bar and Grill. How can we help you?"

"Are you sure we're in communication with the right ship?" Dagur asked Larsen.

"Positive, sir!"

"Then why on earth is he calling himself 'Hiccup's Bar and Grill'?"

"Maybe he has a split personality?" Nut 2 suggested.

"Not likely. Maybe it's a code name." General So's said.

The Supreme Leader's voice rang out over the ship's intercom. "Or maybe this is a ruse intended to humiliate and distract us. Have you ever thought of that?"

"Of course I have." Dagur drew himself up. "All right then. Listen up, 'Hiccup's Bar and Grill': your fleet is about to be—"

The person on the other end cut in. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't hear you."

Dagur turned again to Larsen. "Is the volume working?"

"It should be!"

"Well he can't hear me, so the volume must be off."

"But it's working just fine, sir!"

"No, it's not." Trio cut in.

"See, he says it's not working!" Dagur said indignantly. "'Hiccup's Bar and Grill', can you hear me?"

"No."

"You see!"

"All the readings are correct," Larsen said nervously. The rest of the crew was listening in stunned silence.

"This is like watching a train wreck," one of them whispered to another, who nodded.

"Then why can't he hear me?" Dagur demanded.

"Perhaps you should try speaking louder, sir." Trio suggested.

"Sounds sensible," Nut 1 commented.

"Fine with me. I love shouting." Dagur said.

"What did you say, sir?" Trio asked.

"I said I love shouting!"

"What was that?"

"I SAID I LOVE SHOUTING!" Dagur roared at the transmitter.

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't hear you. Perhaps you should try speaking louder."

"I SAID I—"

" _Louder_ , sir!"

"IF I TRY SPEAKING ANY LOUDER WE WON'T NEED THE STUPID RADIO! YOU'LL HEAR ME THROUGH THE VACUUM OF SPACE!"

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything I can do for you?" Trio asked in a placate tone.

"YES! YOU CAN TELL YOUR SEPARATIST FRIENDS THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN A FEW MINUTES!"

.

Trio sat hunched over his ship's small radio. "We appreciate your feedback, sir. Have a nice day." He turned back to Astrid. "Have you sent it yet?"

2TH checked the terminal. " **It'll be done in forty three point eight seconds. Keep them talking**."

Astrid had caught the mischievous mood and gestured for Trio to move over so she could speak into the radio.

"Say, Lord Dagur, do you know what I learned about the season finale for 'Bertha and Neil'?"

.

Lord Dagur paled. "No! Don't say anything! I haven't seen—!"

"Lord Dagur watches that show?" a pilot said to his assistant.

Dagur heard this. "No, I mean I don't know what you're—"

Astrid went on, "Neil and Bertha get married…"

Dagur tried to pretend he was not relieved. "Oh that's…good for them. Yeah, good for all married couples!"

"One day General Eret and I will be among those," Nut 1 said dreamily.

Astrid went on, "And Bertha gives birth to a chicken!"

Dagur gasped. Nut 2 cheered.

"A Chicken which is revealed to be actually the offspring of Humperdinck's evil twin sister, the Goddess Thorita!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dagur's reaction nearly blew out the _Condor's_ speaker.

.

The men on the _Condor_ were exchanging incredulous looks. The robot was thinking once again how weird homo-sapiens were. The woman was looking quite pleased with herself.

"The stuff they put in shows these days," she commented. "And the sad thing is, that might very well actually happen in that show."

"Please tell me you don't watch those shows yourself," Trio said, "Swear it right now or my respect for you will take a permanent nose dive."

She punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Of course I don't! But _Dagur_ does! And I imagine everyone's respect for _him_ just took a nose dive!"

.

She was right. The crewmembers could not contain themselves any longer, and started laughing at Dagur, in spite of his orders to stop.

An image of the Supreme Leader's face suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. It was amazing how quickly the room fell silent. "Lord Dagur, you have humiliated my Federation for the last time. Your command is this: nothing."

"I beg your pardon…Sir?"

The Supreme Leader's tone was final. "You're out, Dagur."

Lord Dagur cringed. "But sir—this was all part of my plan! Yeah, my evil ingenious plan to lure them into a false sense of security and hilarity! And it's working (I'm good at making plans, you know)!"

"Then you may plan how to spend your retirement. My new 'apprentice', Lord Snot, will take over. Report to my quarters."

Dagur frowned. "Lord who? You mean—that guy? That's—INCONCEIVABLE! That loser is replacing _me_? Me, the Illustrious and Inimitable Lord Dagur!"

"True, he is _unmistakably_ one of a kind," Nut 1 whispered to Nut 2.

Dagur was absolutely furious now. It could not be good for his blood pressure. "THIS CAN'T BE! He's not qualified for command! I'll bet he's…he's….I'll bet he's got pictures of bikini clad Princess Astrid on his underwear!"

"I'll bet he doesn't even _wear_ underwear," Nut 2 said to Nut 1, "he probably subscribes to the rule 'No Lingerie in Space'!"

"I'm confused. Who are we even talking about?"

"No idea. But I'll bet it's true."

But the Supreme Leader had had enough. "Dagur, report to my quarters at once."

"Can I go to mine and throw a fit, first? It might make me feel better."

"NO. And Nuts 1 and 2," the projection went on, "Report to Level 3 for Immediate Deactivation."

They exchanged horrified looks.

.

" **Transmission completed**!" 2TH announced. " **Your Headquarters vessel has the map to Eren'dor**."

Astrid smiled. "Great! Now they can send coordinates to our ships and we can get out of here!"

"One slight problem with that," the Doctor pointed towards the Federation fleet, which was getting closer to both them and the Separatists.

Trio turned to Astrid. "How fast can your HQ distribute those coordinates?"

Her smile was gone. "Not fast enough. And I suppose another distraction won't buy us any time now."

Trio turned back to the controls and gripped them tightly, a steely expression on his face. "Buckle up, everyone. Bud, accelerate the _Condor_ to attack speed. And Astrid? You might want to tell your fleet to prepare for battle, if they aren't already."

.

Lord Dagur, or just 'Dagur' now, stormed off to his quarters to throw a fit anyway. How could this have happened? A few days ago he was the second most powerful and feared man in the galaxy! Now he was out. Replaced by a loser who was also a filthy turncoat! How could he turn this around and regain his position and reputation?

As he passed his sister's room he could faintly hear her talking. Wondering who she was talking to, he stopped to listen.

"…my brother's out of power. It won't be long now before I'm out too—yes, I know that—no, I don't think so—I think I'd better get out of here. Right, I'll join you on Eren'dor."

She came through her door and nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of her brother. "Dagur! What—I mean—what a shame Viggo's dismissed—"

Dagur's eyes lit up with sudden understanding. " _You_? _You're_ the spy? _You're_ Vogue One?"

She recovered from her surprise and indignantly said, "Of course not!"

"Then who were you talking to?"

"Myself. It's a sign of coming madness, a trait that runs deep in our family. Perhaps you should take me to a doctor."

Dagur pointed a finger at her accusingly. "Ha! You're trying to change the subject! You can't fool me! While _you_ were learning how to spell your name _I_ was studying multiplication tables! You're a spy for the Separatists! Admit it!"

Heather suddenly laughed. "Well it sure took you long enough to figure it out!"

Her sudden acknowledgement left Dagur almost lost for words. "This—this is terrible! This is—is a disgrace! This is— _absolutely fantastic_!"

"What?"

"Yes! This is perfect!" Dagur cried, excitedly jumping up and down.

Heather eyed him skeptically. "Oh? How so? Do you expect me to talk? Or do you expect me to die?"

Her brother laughed. "No, Heather, _I'll_ do the talking, and I expect you to listen very carefully while I describe _every_ part of my plan to you down to the last minute detail. You see, when I take you to the Supreme Leader and point out that I, Lord Dagur, have captured a Separatist spy and the source of much of our recent woes, he will restore me to my place of prominence and throw that upstart Snot out. Then everyone will acknowledge how much of a genius I am, (though it should be obvious), how inferior every opponent is (which again should be obvious), and how futile it is to resist, (another obvious point, but people just don't seem to pay attention to the obvious these days), and then we shall interrogate you and drain you of everything you know and then, instead of just shooting you on the spot, we will decide to use a method to kill you that is _incredibly_ slowly while you get to witness all your plans and hopes fall apart and see all your loved ones suffer. Then we shall use your knowledge to destroy the Separatists forever and find the Moon of Eren'dor…" he paused to draw breath, "…and when we have done all of this, _then_ , you have my permission to die."

He turned around and found he was alone.

"Dogone it! I've fallen victim to Monologue-itis!" he shook his head. "It's an all too common disease among us naughty people."

.

Trio's advice about preparing for a fight was unneeded. The Separatist fighters were already turning to face the Federation. It was a strange thing, but a vehicle sometimes seemed to take on human characteristics and gain a personality. In this instance, Trio thought, the Separatist fighters, which Astrid told him were called Arrowings, seemed determined to fight to the bitter end, whereas the Federation ships seemed to be like hungry wolves that had just spotted a buck.

He crossed his fingers.

Astrid looked up from the transmitter. "A message from High Command. Apparently we just got Lord Dagur fired!"

Trio grinned but the Doctor looked concerned. "I wonder who will replace him. They might get someone competent this time."

.

Lord Snot, as he was now christened, entered the Shattermaster control room. He had put on a long black cap and a black helmet with curled horns, and was doing his utmost to look as intimidating as possible.

The voice of the Supreme Leader came over the intercom. "Lord Snot, your orders are simple. Engage the enemy and wipe them out. If they turn to flee, pursue."

"Yes, my master," Lord Snot said in a deep voice that hardly matched his appearance. He pressed a button. "All ships are to attack at once!"


	19. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

The Separatist ships sped towards the enemy, like that many bats going after a mosquito swarm.

"All wings report in,"

"Orange Leader standing by,"

"Black Leader standing by,"

"Mauve Leader standing by,"

" _Centennial Condor_ standing by," Trio added cheekily. He maneuvered his vessel towards the front of the Separatist column.

The ships on both sides flew in perfect formation, their turrets at the ready as they closed the gap between sides.

The Federation ships sped towards their enemy too, like that many lionesses after a herd of zebras.

"All wings report in,"

"First Expendable Squad ready to face death,"

"Second Expendable Squad ready to face death,"

"Third Expendable Squad ready to face death,"

"Lord Snot orders that no quarter be given," said one squadron leader.

"Who?"

"Just give no quarter, OK?"

Once the gap between fleets was closed, the formations dissolved into chaos. It became every ship for itself. Laser blasts flashed in every direction. Ships exploded at random instants. The radios were flooded with orders from the lowest co-pilot to the squad leaders; each person was suddenly a commander.

"Watch yourself, there's a lot of heavy fire coming from the right side of that—" Orange Leader saw an explosion on his left. "I'm thinking we need to come up with shorter warnings."

.

"I don't wanna be deactivated!" Nut 2 wailed. They were walking down a corridor towards Level 3.

"I'd do it for General Eret, but no one else!" Nut 1 agreed nervously. "But what choices have we now?"

They both looked in the direction of the Separatists.

"Shall we commit an act of Desertion?"

"Call it an act of Self-Preservation."

They nodded in sync and turned around. Abruptly Nut 2 stopped.

"But they'll just assume we're spies! How will we prove them wrong?"

They thought a moment. Nut 1 slapped her fingers.

"We rescue General Vast and bring him to them! That'll prove our loyalty! To the cells!"

Unbeknownst to them, the Lady Heather was already embarking on the same plan. Now that her cover was blown she would free the prisoners, steal a Federation ship, and escape to the Separatists.

Unbeknownst to _her_ , the prisoners no longer needed to be rescued. General Vast, after realizing a battle was taking place and burning to join it, had become so angry he pulled apart the bars of his cell with his mighty arms. So while Heather and the two androids were heading for the cells to free the prisoners, the prisoners were heading away from the cells already freed!

.

The _Condor_ did a flip right over an enemy ship, winding up behind it and blowing it to smithereens.

The Doctor was clenching the armrests of his wheelchair. "Don't ever do that again! Mein stomach is where mein liver used to be!"

" **That's why I'm glad I don't have those things** ," 2TH commented. He was manning the gun turrets, as his machinery gave him a greater accuracy than any human had.

"Don't worry, Doctor, we'll keep you in one piece. And don't you worry, either, Princess, I'll get you back home safe and sound." Trio said with a cocky smile. "They haven't got a ship that can match the old _Condor_."

Astrid smiled ruefully. "Why do pilots always try to flirt in the middle of combat?"

"Sorry. I'll focus."

" **Yes, please do. I want to get home safe and sound too**."

"We _are_ home, Bud."

There was an explosion in front of them and Astrid, who had grown fidgety at the sight of action, suddenly could be patient no longer. "Is there anything I can do to help? I hate just sitting here!"

" **She could man the upper turret** ,"

"I don't know, Bud. Does that thing still work? It hasn't been used in months." Having a crew of only two meant some of the Condor's functions had fallen into disuse.

"I'll try it out." Astrid said, making her way of the cockpit, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Well, we could—"

"Doctor, please don't finish that," Trio said quickly.

.

Nuts 1 and 2 had set out to free General Vast, and instead nearly ran right into him. Both sides recoiled for a moment, but then Vast raised his fists, intending to bash their android brains out.

"No, please, don't, we're on your side!" the androids shrieked so fast their words were incomprehensible.

"What are you two doing here?" the Lady Heather demanded. There were cries of impatience from the escaped prisoners. Some of them hurried past, deciding it was every man for himself.

"We've come to join you!" Nut 1 said eagerly.

"Yeah, we've come to help you escape!"

Vast raised his eyebrows. "Good job."

"Thank you, sir! Oh please, let us come with you! If you don't, we're condemned to deactivation!"

Heather and the General exchanged looks. "They might have information that could be useful…I say ' _might'_."

Vast shrugged. "I welcome anyone who wants to fight the Federation, but if this is a trick—" his steely expression finished the statement for him.

"Great!" Nut 1 said excitedly, "Shall we be going?"

"You're not going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them. "We've caught you! Now you lot will be taken back to your cells, and as for the rest of you, we'll shoot you right now. And _don't even think_ about asking for last wishes or requests!"

Nut 2 waved to his companions. "Run! Get away from here! I will prove my loyalty by dealing with this Federation slime myself!"

"Oh yes?" Savage said with a sardonic grin, "Deal with us all by your little oneself? Ha! I'll even let you make the first move!"

Nut 2 drew himself up to his full height. "You fool. I'm an android. And androids are not made exactly like people." He raised his arms and they split apart. He now had four arms and each one was armed with a ray gun. He opened fire.

Every shot missed.

His evil grin vanished. The Security Guards raised their own weapons. Nut 2 ran down the corridor screaming, the guards in hot pursuit, though their shots also missed the target. He rounded a corner and turned around. As the guards arrived he banged them in the heads with his four fists.

"HA! Did you think I was programmed to be a coward or something?"

.

The Doctor was manning the scanner. "Trio, we've got one on our tail!"

"Astrid, blast him!"

Astrid's voice cackled over the radio. "I can't—when did you guys last use this thing? It's a mess! Does it even turn anymore?" They heard a horrible screeching sound, like an iron gate turning on rusty hinges.

" **Perhaps it needs more maintenance than I thought** …."

"Ha! I told you so!" Trio cried triumphantly.

A flash of light reminded them there was an enemy behind them. And even worse, another enemy got right in front of them.

"Well we can blast this one at any rate!" Trio grinned, and he fired. The shots missed. "Oh great. That ship's flown right into our blind spot."

"This ship has a blind spot?" the Doctor croaked.

"As I told you before—shields up!" he quickly pushed a button and the incoming shots were deflected.

" **That's going to drain the power if we keep it up**."

"I know, Bud, I know…" Trio growled.

"They're still behind us and getting closer!" Astrid yelled so loudly she did not need the radio to be heard. "I can't turn this thing enough to hit them!"

"Trio—!"

Trio held up a hand for silence, and then he slammed it against a big blue button. An engine in the ship's hull was activated and the _Condor_ rose straight up like a balloon.

"Can our ships do that?" the Federation pilot wondered as his ship collided with the other one.

.

General Vast paused. "All right, Heather, you get out of here."

Now she stopped. "And just what are _you_ going to be doing?"

His eyes glinted. "I'm going to finish my mission."

"General, I'm all for taking out Viggo at some point, but now's not the best time to do it! He'll have security troops all about him now!"

"Then I'll fight my way through them!"

Heather grabbed his arm. "Sir, Viggo can wait! There'll be other times! You'll get another crack at him, I promise! Your revenge can wait a few more days, can't it? Once we get to Eren'dor and get that Stone, you can make him suffer a million times more than you could right now!"

Vast hardly noticed her holding his arm, but her words seemed to have an impact. With a growl of resignation he followed her to a hanger.

.

Contrary to what Heather assumed, the Supreme Leader was alone, seated in his chambers, meditating.

'Almighty Torque, reveal your secrets to me,' he thought over and over. 'You have never let me down be—'

An image of Alvin the Glut suddenly appeared on the wall. "Supreme Leader Viggo de Cappuccino, it's been too long! I'm comin' to—"

Viggo nearly fell out of his chair, he was so startled. Furiously he stood up and stormed over to the image and switched it off. "I do not wish to be disturbed!"

He returned to his chair to meditate again. His great hope was that the Torque would reveal the location of Eren'dor to him. Otherwise his only hope would be to follow the Separatists there. But that would mean following them at Hyperactive Speed, and that would mean crucial split second timing, of which he was not entirely sure his ships were capable. It would be better if the Torque just revealed the location to him. But at the moment he saw only a blue planet with a series of horizontal and vertical rings around it.

He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. 'What planet is this? Where is it? Does Eren'dor orbit it? Show me! Show me!'

As he strained to pierce the veil he was completely unaware of what was going on outside his chambers. The battle in progress, the escape in progress, they were all forgotten.

.

Astrid had finally gotten the turret working enough to take part in the combat.

"Haha! Hiccup, I got another one! That makes 11!"

"…I'm on 3,"

"Ha!"

"Yeah, yeah, well you've got firepower in every direction. I don't."

2TH chuckled. " **Actually, that gun can only rotate 330 degrees. It lost the ability to rotate a full 360 ever since you spilled egg yolk on the rotator wheel.** "

"Thanks Bud."

"What?" the Doctor cried.

"Another story, another time." Trio retorted. He was spared further questions when the ship shuddered. "See? Distract me and we get hit! Astrid, are you alright up there? Astrid? Astrid, come in!" He hit the radio, but all they heard was static. "They must've hit our communication array. Doctor, be a pal and go back and fix it please."

"But I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!"

" **What kind of a doctor are you, anyway**?" 2TH asked.

"I'm—another story for another time!" he yelled as he wheeled his way out of the cockpit.

"And make sure Astrid's alright!" Trio yelled after him.

"That I can do." The Doctor muttered. He looked up at the shaft that led to the upper turret. "Princess, are you alright up there?"

"Oh, I'm just fine!" she gleefully called back. "Next time you see Hiccup, tell him I'm up to 13—hold on— _14_ now!"

.

General Vast squeezed his massive frame into the cockpit of a Federation fighter. Much to his annoyance, Nut 1 decided to climb in after him.

"Find another ship!" he ordered.

"There aren't any!"

Heather's face appeared at the entrance hatch. "Any room for me?"

Vast might have said 'no' truthfully, but Heather had been too useful for the Separatists to be denied a spot. Even so, it was downright cramped. These fighters were not meant to hold so many people. He looked down at the console. "Right, we'll just be on our way now. But this is only a temporary respite, Viggo!" he added with a roar that made the window shudder. "I'll be back!"

"Hey, wait! You can't leave without Nut 2!" Nut 1 exclaimed.

"This ship is full enough already!"

Nut 1 climbed forward, grabbed part of the controls and detached them. "We're not going anywhere without my He-Android counterpart!"

"Talking about me?" Nut 2 asked, poking his head in through the opened hatch. "Any room?"

Vast was wondering if this was really happening. It took a great deal of effort for Nut 2 to get in. He had to crawl over people, and his limbs kept coming in contact with other bodies. And he still had his arms separated, which made the poking and prodding even worse.

"Sheesh, do you sharpen your elbows with a file or something?" Heather snapped as she rubbed her newly jabbed stomach. General Vast was leaning forward so much his face was pressed against the front (and only) window.

"I need a seatbelt! Where's a seatbelt?"

"There aren't any seatbelts in Federation vehicles." Vast impatiently growled. "They don't have the budget."

"But they still have the budget for a Jacuzzi and—"

"Sir, can we _get going_?" Heather hinted.

"YES!"

"Wait! We forgot General Eret!" Nut 1 wailed.

But this time she was shouted down. There was not enough room for a cat, let alone another large man. But she argued back regardless.

"We are leaving now!" Vast yelled over the noise. "Where's the—" Then he remembered that Nut 1 was still holding part of the controls. "Dear Odin, you have _got_ to be kidding me!"

"I'll give it back once we get General Eret!" she declared.

"Give it!"

The ship almost fell over from the massive scuffle that was going on inside it. And when they finally got the piece from Nut 1 they still had to figure out how to reattach it.

"This just isn't our day, is it?" Heather muttered gloomily.

"I know. I may never see General Eret again." Nut 1 sniffed.

Heather elbowed her.

.

The battle was a stalemate thus far. For every ship the Separatists destroyed a new one appeared, and the same could be said for the Federation. Neither side seemed to be making any headway against the other. To those monitoring the progress it seemed that the only way to win would be to slug it out for hours, inflicting and receiving horrible casualties, until one side finally collapsed.

Time after time a squadron of ships would group together and charge in, swoop over a larger vessel and deliver shot after shot, then fly away triumphantly, convinced they had just scored a decisive blow, only to be attacked by a squadron of enemy fighters and blasted to pieces. And these tactics went on and on over and over again.

Astrid could feel a sense of growing concern. Even if the Separatists won this one, which was not certain, what would the cost be?

.

Lord Snot was having similar thoughts, though he was more frustrated by the lack of progress than concerned for the lives of the pilots. He decided the best way to achieve victory would be to demoralize the enemy and call upon them to surrender. To do that, he would reveal himself to them.

"Prepare the transmitter!" he ordered.

He did not know it, but this was the main reason for why the Supreme Leader had wanted him to join up in the first place. Supreme Leader Viggo hardly cared about Lord Snot's military or leadership abilities—he had more than enough faith in his own—but the knowledge that a superb Separatist pilot had been induced to switch sides would be a heavy blow to them and their supporters.

So, Lord Snot stood before the microphone and said, "Now listen here! Your—err—" he lost his train of thought, "Your fleet is soon to be destroyed and you with it! Prepare yourselves for…death, yeah, for today we're gonna wipe you Seps from the face of the world—I mean Universe—"

.

The crew on the Condor froze in their seats.

"Is that Snot's voice?" Astrid asked.

"I think so," the Doctor said hoarsely.

They had a notion that other pilots were asking the same thing. Was one of their Aces _threatening_ them?

Astrid suddenly roared and pounded her fist against the nearest wall. "THAT DIRT BAG! THAT ROTTEN NO GOOD SON OF A SLUG! I'LL PULL HIS BONES OUT OF HIS RIBS ONE AT A TIME AND USE THEM TO CLEAN THE SNOT OUT OF HIS BIG FAT NOSE!"

"Remind me never to get on her bad side, Bud," Trio whispered. He at least was not really put out by this new development.

"Hiccup, turn this ship around this minute! We're going to attack the _Shattermaster_! We'll turn that traitor and his new 'friends' into asteroids!"

He might have agreed, but a long awaited response came through on their radio. **"The coordinates have been distributed! Everyone is ordered to disengage and fly to Eren'dor at once**!" 2TH announced.

Astrid bit her lip.

"Princess," the Doctor said gently, "once we get the Stone—"

"Stone?" Trio repeated, frowning, "this has all been about a rock?"

It vaguely occurred to Astrid that Trio had never been fully informed of what was going on, but that could wait. Meanwhile, Snot was still talking on the radio. He was getting into his stride now and filling the airwaves with boasts and threats and his grievances.

She clenched her fist and said, "Oh all right. Orders are orders. We'll fly to Eren'dor. But Hiccup, couldn't you…you know, give them a parting shot?"

He grinned and pressed a button. "As you wish, milady. I've been saving this little toy for a special occasion."

.

"—and if you people had actually taken me into your confidence, had shown your trust and affection for me, I might—"

The _Shattermaster_ suddenly shook. A tub of equipment fell right onto Lord Snot's head. As he slipped into unconsciousness he could faintly hear the crew around him shouting.

"Our communications array has been destroyed!"

"We've lost radio control!"

"I can't contact our ships!"

"The Soap Opera signals have been jumbled!"

There was a second, but much smaller tremor, which caused even more yelling that Lord Snot did not hear.

"What's this gray stuff on the windows?"

"Can you see anything?"

"How do we get it off?"

"I don't know!"

"Can our ship do that?"

.

"The first projectile," Trio explained, "was originally a heat seeking missile, but I modified it to target radio waves instead of heat. It probably wasn't necessary to use, really, but I just felt like shutting him up."

"And the second projectile?" Dr. Ingerman asked.

"That was a sack of potatoes."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Organic warfare. Wow. What next? Shall we fire the kitchen sink at them?"

Trio was indignant. "Hey! We need a sink in the kitchen!"

" **Speak for yourself** ," 2TH commented, " **Shall we make the jump**?"

But then the engines wheezed loudly.

"Oh not again! Not now!" Trio yelled.

"I'll fix it!" Astrid announced. She slid down the ladder and rushed to the Hyperactive Drive and kicked it. Then she screamed in pain. Trio arrived to find her clutching her foot.

"Well do you think I kick it with my real leg?" he asked with amusement. He kicked the machine with his metal leg and it roared to life once more. "I suppose that evens the score now?"

Astrid grinned despite her injury. "Oh no you don't! I still beat you! My final count was 31 and yours is still at 18!"

"Hey, doesn't that shot at the _Shattermaster_ count for anything?"

"Fine, I'll give you a bonus of 2. That still leaves you behind by 11."

He groaned dramatically. "All right, fine, _milady_. You win this round."

Astrid just laughed as he helped her to her feet. "Something to keep in mind, Hiccup: I _always_ win."

.

"You know," Dr. Ingerman remarked to 2TH, "I've known the Princess for a long time, and I've never seen her laugh as much as she has these past few days."

" **Typical Homo-sapiens** ,"

.

Lord Snot finally came to after they gotten the mashed potato bits off the windows, which was not easy as the ship did not even have windshield wipers (it was not part of the Federation budget and, let us face it, how many people expect to need windshield wipers in Outer Space?).

"Lord Snot, can you hear me?" an anxious Mr. Larsen asked, crouching over him.

"Yes, I'm fine." He got to his feet. "Where are the Separatists? Are they wiped out?"

"I'm afraid, sir, in your…err….absence, they've gotten away."

Lord Snot suddenly felt a twinge of fear. If they got away, he would end up like Lord Dagur, wherever the heck that man was. "It can't be! We had them! It can't be!" He rushed to the now clean window, but all he saw were stars. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

He became aware that everyone was staring at him. "Um…I mean…all part of my brilliant plan!"

I doubt he fooled anyone. And while the Separatists might have fled the battlefield, this felt more like defeat than victory.

.

As for Lord Dagur, he was still on the Shattermaster, in his quarters. "I'll get even yet! We'll find a way to Eren'dor! Then I'll sneak off this ship, capture every Separatist singlehandedly, then Viggo'll be begging me to come back, I'll throw that upstart Snot into the trash compactor, then I'll demand an endless supply of chocolate and soap operas, and I'll never have to listen to people make fun of my blood pressure again!" He grinned. "I love the plans I come up with!" He looked at a mirror. "Am I not so smart?"

Yes, each and every person's plan seemed to hinge upon them getting to Eren'dor. Yet at the moment only the Separatist ships were heading there. The Federation ships were going nowhere and it seemed likely they would stay that way.

Or would they? The Supreme Leader Viggo de Cappuccino was still meditating and seeing visions. And for him, at any rate, the clouds of uncertainty were lifting, bit by bit.


	20. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"I spy, with my little eye, something…." Trio said dully. Nobody really paid attention. They had been flying for hours, possibly days. It felt long enough to be years. The beauties of Space, such as they were when flying at Hyperactive speed, had become tedious and boring. So had everything else. They sat, stared at the walls and windows, and waited. Their state was such that they wanted to do something, _anything_ , yet whenever someone made a suggestion nobody wanted to move.

"Now we know why this moon has been a secret for so long," the Doctor remarked for the 10th time, "who'd fly through this much of space without reason?"

Upon hearing the engines cough, 2TH glanced at the fuel gage. " **If this lasts much longer** —"

Suddenly a buzzer went off. The ship dropped out of its Hyperactive behavior, and they found themselves approaching a massive blue planet. Horizontal and vertical black rings surrounded it.

Their boredom and weariness vanished instantly, replaced by a sense of excitement and wonder.

"Is that it?" the Doctor asked in awe.

Princess Astrid, who had been formerly half asleep in a corner, shook her head. "No, that must be Xanjalin, the planet Eren'dor orbits. So that means the moon must be somewhere—there it is!"

She pointed to a small orange dot near the planet's equator.

The _Condor_ , despite a late start, had actually taken the lead during the journey, so now other Separatist ships began appearing.

Trio guided his vessel towards the moon. Anxiously he glanced at the fuel gage. "I hope they have some kind of facility on this place, otherwise we might not be getting off it."

The Condor plunged into Eren'dor's atmosphere, such as it was. The clouds were reddish orange in color, and so was the surface. They found themselves looking upon a strange, lumpy landscape, something akin to Bryce Canyon only cruder and less artistic.

"I kinda pictured something else," Astrid remarked, "something grander."

"Maybe the Torque likes to be unpretentious," Trio quipped. Early on in the journey Astrid had finally told him what they were doing and why. Although a bit skeptical, he liked the idea of exploration and was curious to see how this would turn out. He examined a gage. "Well, the air is breathable. And I see a suitable landing space just over that ridge."

And thus they landed on Eren'dor. And honestly, it felt very anticlimactic. The place was still, lifeless, and desolate. Just clouds drifting eerily through the air and a dead, orange landscape.

"The ground sure feels strange," Astrid observed as they disembarked. Walking was weird, for the ground was squishy, like half-dried mud. "It doesn't feel like rock. Trio, what's so funny?"

"Look at it!" Trio laughed loudly, nearly doubling over, "This isn't rock, its cheese!"

"Cheese!"

"Red Leicester, to be precise," the Doctor announced.

And indeed it was. They laughed their heads off at the notion.

" **So** ," 2TH said after they had managed to calm down. " **Now what? Where do we find this Stone**?"

The faces of the two Separatists showed uncertainty in all its wondrous glory.

"Wait a minute." Trio said sharply. "Are you telling me you guys don't actually know _where_ this Stone is supposed to be?"

"Well…"

"No map or rumors or…or _anything_?"

Astrid starred at her feet numbly.

"Are you telling me you Separatists were so focused on getting the map to the moon that you never considered what would happen once you got there?" Trio demanded. He threw his hands up in the air. "Oh that's just terrific! Just terrific! What are we gonna do, excavate every square inch of the place? Or shall we eat our way to the center and see if the Stone's hidden there?"

"Hey!" Astrid retorted, " _I_ was focusing on my mission! I figured since I was getting the map, someone else in High Command would work out the next step."

" **Evidently they** _ **all**_ **assumed someone** _ **else**_ **was working on it** ," 2TH commented.

The rest of the Separatist fleet was landing now, and they were making the same discoveries: that they were on a moon made of cheese and that nobody had any idea of where to go from here.

"Well at least we won't have starvation to fear." The Doctor observed, trying to lighten the mood.

.

Alvin the Glut, flanked by several bodyguards, barged into the Supreme Leader's quarters, ignoring attempts made by the Federation guards to stop him.

"I want an audience!" he shouted.

"I want a better security force." Viggo said wearily. He eyed Alvin for a moment. Then he gestured to all the guards present to leave the two of them alone.

Alvin looked around the room. "I wish I could've let you know I was coming. You could've prepared something. I was going to let you know, but you cut off my transmission!"

"Hungry, are you?" Viggo said coldly.

"I'm called 'Alvin the Glut' for a reason, you know!" He gestured to his immense belly.

"Have an orange," the Supreme Leader said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"I hate fruit."

"Then stop complaining and tell me why you're here."

Alvin ceased his walking and stood before the man. "You know why. I was attacked in my home." He began yelling. "IN MY HOME! In my _throne room_ in the middle of a party!"

Viggo was not perturbed by the outburst. "Sounds like a personal problem. And you should not make these things personal. And do you _really_ think I care who crashes your parties?"

"You will when you're done hearing this! Remember that job you had me do all those years ago? The one where I—"

"No, I don't remember. And I would advise you to not remember it either." Viggo interrupted.

Alvin's voice lowered. "Right. Never let anyone know what I'm thinking. Of course, I don't think too much, so that's usually not a problem."

"Clearly."

"Yeah. But what _is_ a problem is this: my stable boy stole my ship and he keeps eluding me! And then, just when I thought he was caught, his friends show up, rip my guards a new one, and then blow up my own palace! What's a poor crime lord to do?"

"You could act like a man. Or, come to think of it, maybe _you're_ the one who wants a better security force." The Supreme Leader remarked.

"I know thaT!" Alvin yelled, "And now I've learned that his friends are part of the Separatists! The people _you're_ supposed to destroy! So the way I see it, this is all your fault, so you owe me a new palace!

Viggo nearly stood up. " _I_ owe you—"

"a NEW PALACE AND A NEW cENTENNIAL cONDOR OR ELSE!"

"Or else what?" Viggo said with an icy smile.

"Or else I'll tell everyone who that boy is!"

Viggo's smile became a perplexed frown. "Boy? What boy? And what is he to me?"

Now it was Alvin's turn to smile. "Maybe nothing, but to a certain General Vast…"

"Ah. I see now."

"Yep. The last job you ever hired me for."

"So you kept him as your stable boy, did you? Perhaps we _should_ reveal this to Vast. The humiliation of it all would be amusing." Viggo paused as he remembered something. "What became of the boy's mother?"

Alvin's grin died. "I…don't know."

"Oh no?" said the Supreme Leader, his tone soft and dangerous.

"She escaped. She stole a pod and flew off. The pod was damaged, I think. There was a firefight. I don't know; it was so long ago. What I do know is no one's seen her since. So she's probably dead!" he added brightly.

Viggo smiled slyly. "And you were saying I owed you something. I think you owe _me_ something, Alvin."

"Say what?"

Viggo pressed a button on his chair. "Lord Snot, I think you'd better get down here. Better hurry. Now, Alvin, as I recall, I paid for _two_ kidnapped members of the Vast Clan—and you admit to me now that you only got one. I want my money back."

Alvin's temper flared in an instant. "Why you dirty little—!"

The door opened behind him but he did not notice. Lord Snot entered, looking bewildered. "You wished to see me, my master?"

"Lord Snot, permit me to show you another thing the Torque is capable of," The Supreme Leader waved his hand and Alvin the Glut rose squealing into the air as if suspended on wires.

Snot whistled. "I'm gonna have to learn that one of these days."

"And so you shall…later," Viggo walked over to the Alvin, "now, either a great deal of money is going to fall onto this floor—or your blood is. Which will it be, Alvin?"

"Viggo—we can do a deal! I'll buy you a dozen LED Floodlights made of stainless steel! With changeable lenses!"

" _What_?"

"Sorry, I was panicking…you keep the money, you don't buy me any palace, you can kill the boy and I'll get the ship! Fair enough?"

Viggo twisted his hand and Alvin's throat constricted, as if being squeezed by unseen hands. His voice rose in pitch along with his anxiety. "Or perhaps I'll make a gift to you of a thousand marks and write off the palace debt! How's that?"

"You can do better," Viggo twisted his hand even more.

"Right, I can! Right, how about this—my checkbook is in my pocket! Make out a check to yourself!"

Viggo smiled. "What have I done to deserve such generosity? Lord Snot, get his checkbook."

"Yes sir, but…I don't know how to write a check."

"I thought as much. I'll do it." He returned to his chair and languidly sat down as he flipped through the book. "Alvin, you've made out checks to Silent Sven's Fish Stall? Don't you know that man likes to sleep with trout in his bed?"

"Say, you don't do that too, do you?" Lord Snot taunted.

Alvin was shouting again. "Of course not! And Viggo, I deeply resent such questions! You oughta teach your apprentice better respect for his superiors! This should be business, not personal!"

"HA! I'll respect 'em when I actually see 'em! And I'm not seeing any right now!"

"Why you—!"

"Now don't take it _personal_!"

The Supreme Leader sighed. He was already beginning to regret having Snot for a pawn. "You and Dagur are becoming alike in my eyes." It was unclear who he was actually talking to. "Speaking of which, where _is_ Dagur? He has not reported to me like he was ordered."

Lord Snot shrugged.

Alvin said, "Is that the loony who likes making people watch movies? I saw him when I arrived. He was running about chanting something about his sister escaping."

Viggo looked up sharply. "Why would his sister be escaping? Escaping from what?"

Alvin managed to shrug, despite the fact he was still floating in mid-air. "I dunno. He was rambling something about her being a traitor or a traitoress. He couldn't make up his mind what the term was. I figured he was crazy. He is, isn't he?"

Viggo was looking very thoughtful. "Lord Snot, I was going to have you escort our friend to the cells—"

"What! That wasn't part of the deal! That isn't good business!"

"But master, there aren't any cells intact," Snot said over the protests, "after what General Vast did to them—"

"I said I was ' _going_ to'. You loudmouths had better let me finish, because, Alvin, I've changed my mind. As a reward for him bringing me this information, Lord Snot will see you to your new quarters. They'll be right next to his."

"What!" Lord Snot exclaimed. He looked at Alvin repulsively. Alvin grinned nastily back.

"I'll make _you_ sleep with the fishes, boy!"

"Silence! Lead him out of here and leave me alone!" Viggo said with sudden anger. He almost trembled with excitement. He could see it now. Dagur was trying to find a ship that his sister had taken, his sister whom he was calling a traitor. If she was a traitor she could only be a Separatist! And as there were no Separatist ships on the _Shattermaster_ , she must be escaping on a Federation ship! And those ships had trackers installed in them. And where would a fleeing Separatist go, if not to rejoin the rest of the Separatists, who just so happened to be flying to Eren'dor at this very moment?

He pushed a button. "Mr. Larsen, the Lady Heather has stolen one of our ships. Find out what ship it is and track it down _at once_!"


	21. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

The Separatists set up a defensive base almost immediately. They refueled and repaired their ships as best as they could while waiting for a Federation attack or the word to move out. Whilst they did so their leaders met to discuss the next move. Everybody wanted to head out and find the Stone, but first they needed to determine where to go.

And where did these preparations leave Trio? Out in the cold. Princess Astrid and the Doctor might have trusted him, but the rest of the Separatists did not. To them he was just a mercenary, and they distrusted such people on principle. He and 2TH were excluded from the meeting, and the lower ranking Separatists kept their distances from them. Everywhere Trio went as he worked to fix up his own ship he could sense suspicious gazes following him.

"Do you have something to tell me?" he asked one pilot who was watching him with a particularly scornful gaze.

"No, I'm just keeping an eye on all suspicious characters."

Trio gestured to the ground, "At the expense of not keeping an eye on where you're going. You're standing in manure."

"What?" The man leapt away and frantically looked over his boots. By the time he realized he had been tricked Trio was long gone. Annoyed at being labeled a 'suspicious character,' he walked towards the outskirts of the base and sat down on a large chunk of cheese to think.

"If it weren't for me and 2TH, they wouldn't even be here," he thought angrily, "And this is the thanks we get! 'Suspicious characters'. Hah!"

He was half tempted to just take his reward money and go. Heck, he was half tempted to just go. Only 2 things prevented him from doing so. The first was his desire to see this thing through to the end. A part of him very much wanted to see if this Stone existed and what it could do. The second reason was Astrid. As annoyed as he was at the moment, he found the idea of parting company with her now, and such a departure would surely create hard feelings, downright unpleasant.

He forcefully reminded himself of that old and overused cliché which nevertheless remained a fact: she was a princess. Princesses did not normally socialize with mercenaries, or whatever the heck he was. Even if they had feelings for each other—and he told himself unconvincingly that they did not—what use was all that? She was of one social rank, he was of another, and those lines did not cross without consequences. He might be willing to try enduring that sort of thing—it could hardly be worse than all the abuse Alvin had heaped upon him—but he was not going to let the princess be raked over the coals by a stuck-up monarchy.

He growled at the thought of high society. All that trappings and glitter and luxury sickened him. Then he suddenly felt inferior and pathetic. He had no parents, he had no home beyond a spaceship, decent people avoided his company, and he had hardly any money or valuable possessions to his questionable name.

"What've _I_ got worth fighting for?" he asked the sky.

" **Me, of course!** " 2TH rolled over to join him.

True, he did have a robotic best friend. "That counts for a lot."

" **Of course it does. So, what is my best bud thinking about now**?"

"Oh, just the usual. Questioning my self-worth and feeling disgusted with the rest of the universe." He stretched his arms. "Any news?"

" **The High Command is still talking. This could go on for hours**."

"Bud, are we wasting our time here?"

2TH snorted, or at least that is what kind of sound the robot made. " **If those Homo-sapiens had any brains they would realize that if this Stone contains as much power as everyone insists it does, that must mean an enormous amount of energy, which any competently built scanner should be able to detect and locate**."

Trio sat bolt upright. "Bud, are you saying you could pinpoint its location?"

2TH was triumphant. " **And I'll betcha the good Doctor can't! It's—** "

But at that moment a ship flew over their heads and crashed into a hill of cheese less than a furlough away. Without stopping to think they hurried over to it. By the time they reached it the craft was smoking.

" **Hang on, that's a Federation ship**!"

"Then we'll take the survivors prisoner. While I check for any, you start putting the fires out." Trio clambered onto the ship's top. He could hear shouts from inside, so he moved fast to pull the hatch opened. A large man, with a face covered in black soot and surrounded by a mass of red hair squeezed his way through the opening.

"Thank goodness! Fresh air!" he gasped. "I thought I was gonna suffocate if those morons didn't annoy me to death!"

"Hey!" a blond android tried to poke her head out. "If you had just gone back for General Eret—"

"We'd all be dead and you know it!" shouted a woman whom Trio could not see.

"We all nearly died just now thanks to your steering!"

"Well if _you_ hadn't broken the controls when you tried to turn us around—!" said another male irritably. Trio eyed the large man who had just climbed out.

"This has been going on the whole time," he explained wearily, "That nut of an android wanted to go back and fetch her lover and we wouldn't let her."

"Androids have lovers?"

"Let's not go there." The man looked at Trio curiously. "Do I know you?"

"I'm H. Trio, and the one dowsing your ship is 2TH-LS."

Now, after scuffling with the others in the cockpit, a black haired woman climbed out. "Trio. I know that name. Astrid's man?"

Trio nearly blushed. "Well…I'm the man who got her off the Shattermaster, but I'm not _her man_ , I mean, she's not my woman, I mean, we're friends, I think, but—"

The woman laughed and gave him a knowing look. "But you're with the Separatists, right?"

"I don't quite know that myself right now," Trio muttered.

The large man stood up. Trio felt a bit intimidated. "I'm General Vast." They shook hands, after which he looked around, "So this is Eren'dor?"

The two androids were positively delighted to see that the place was all cheese, and they leapt into the stuff and threw it around as if they were playing in snow. The more responsible members of the group did their best to ignore them.

"What a strange place to find a Stone of the Torque." Heather remarked.

"Yes, well, we'd better rejoin the Separatists." The General said, "it feels like—"

"Like wot?"

Everyone spun around, weapons raised.

"Like someone's spying on us," Trio said.

They were looking at a man, a potbellied man with a large stumpy peg-leg and a metal arm. He had several false teeth and long, braided blond hair and an equally long and braided beard. At the sight of so many weapons pointed at him he cowered. "Ya needn't attack! I mean ya no harm!" He slowly cocked his head, like a bird investigating something. "I'm-a just a'wonderin' who ya are and what yer all a-doin' here."

"Are you with the Federation?" General Vast demanded.

"The wot?" the man asked playfully.

"How can he be?" Trio asked, "I thought nobody knew where this moon was."

"If nobody knew, what's _he_ doing here?"

"Stranded," the man replied, "Stranded long, long ago, just like the other one. Are ya stranded too?"

Heather slowly shook her head, but did not relax her fighting stance. "No, we're looking for something."

"Something or someone? Coz if it's the latter, I would say you've _found_ someone, eh? Eh? But if it's the former, help you I could, perhaps yes?" he eyed them eagerly.

" **He might be able to help** ," 2TH commented.

"I dunno, bud, he doesn't seem like he could find his own shadow," Trio muttered.

The two androids were hardly following what was going on, nor did they really care: they were too interested in looking the man over. They found the idea of artificial and interchangeable limbs intriguing. Trio was prepared to take the advice of 2TH and Heather sensed it might be their best chance, but General Vast was unconvinced.

"What's your name? And what do you mean by 'the other one'?"

The man's beard twitched. "I'm Gobber. An' the other one would be the Queen of this moon and its dwellers: Arsenic Loraine."

"Queen What?" Heather exclaimed as the androids declared they liked that name.

"Well that's wot locals call her."

"Locals?" Trio repeated.

As if on cue a small, cat-sized creature poked its bulbous head out of a mound of cheese and scampered over to them. It looked like a bright green lizard except it had scarlet wings. It was quickly joined by several others, all green but with different colored wings.

"Unknowns!" said one.

"From the Unknown!" said another.

"Oooooo!" they all said together. They looked at the strangers in awe.

"Meet the Terrible Terrors," Gobber said, "the Locals."

Heather recoiled. Evidently she did not like reptilian creatures. Trio, on the other hand, said, "Cute little guys!" The Terrors perked up happily, like a group of prairie dogs.

"Cute little guys!"

"He thinks we're cute!"

"I like him!"

"We should serenade him!"

" _I_ should—you'd made his ears fall off!"

"Would not!"

They started wrestling each other. The others joined in without provocation.

"Ha!" Nut 2 laughed as they squabbled and fought, "What's so 'terrible' about them? They're like the size of my—"

At his words the Terrors instantly stopped fighting. Taking great offense one leapt onto Nut 2 and bit him in the nose.

"YEOUCH!"

"That's wot's so terrible," Gobber said. "Oh, that an' they can breathe fire,"

"Cool!" Nut 1 said.

"Just like what we can do with the _Condor_ ," Trio remarked.

"You can breathe fire too?" the little creatures asked.

"Well, my ship can."

They chattered amongst themselves. "Ship? Ship? What's a ship?"

"I ship him!"

"Ship him where?"

"Here of course! Then we can play all day long!"

The Terror on Nut 2 had finished with the nose and was going for the ears.

"GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!"

Nut 1 was laughing her head off. The Terrors were cheering their fellow on.

"Keep it up, keep it up!"

"GET IT OFF ME!"

"Not until you surrender and promise to be a good boy!" the Terror growled playfully.

"I surrender, I surrender! I promise!" Nut 2 cried. In reality, he was hardly injured at all. The Terror, at Gobber's prompting, ceased his attack and rejoined his kin, who had grown bored with the fight and decided to examine Trio's prosthetic leg. Nut 2 laughed vindictively. "Haha! I had my fingers crossed!"

"Why is your leg like the fat one?" a Terror asked Trio, "Are you two related?"

"Not that I'm aware of, little guy," Trio replied.

"Oi! I'm not fat!" Gobber said indignantly.

"He thinks I'm little! And I am!"

General Vast had been watching this with growing impatience. At last he could not remain still any longer. "Look, it's been nice talking and all that, but we have other things to attend to. So unless you want to come with us and leave this place, we'd best part company."

"Leave this place!" The Terrors cried.

"Part company!"

One grabbed Trio's leg and clung to it. "You're not going anywhere! We won't let you! We like you too much!" The little guy looked ready to burst into tears.

"No, no, no," Gobber said, "Ya will stay here. The Torque wills it!"

These words made them pause. "What do you know about the Torque?" Heather asked suspiciously.

"Can a man live on Eren'dor and not know about it…and the Stone?"

That put a new weight on the balance. "You know about the Stone?" Vast exclaimed.

"Course!" he smiled slyly.

"Will you take us to it?"

Gobber's sly smile broadened. "Ah….no. Maybe…no…yes…probably not. 'Tis not my decision to make. 'Tis the decision of the Guardians. Besides, you should meet the Queen! She'll be mad about ya, oh yes, simply mad!"

"Guardians? There are _more_ people here?" General Vast shook his head in exasperation. "Well, where are they? Will you take us to them?"

He nodded. "But first, you come. We eat, we talk." Neither he nor the Terrors would take 'no' for an answer, so the party marched, rolled, hobbled, or scurried away across the desolate landscape of Red Leicester.

.

Astrid was greatly relieved that the meeting had broken up. It had mostly been the presentation of scientific charts and debating how relevant any of the information was. But at last they had decided a methodical search of the entire moon was the best option.

She passed by a pilot. "Hey there, Split. Have you seen Trio around?"

"Who?"

"The man who got me here. Metal leg, coat with blue rings on it? He might have a round black robot with him."

"Oh him…the _mercenary_ ," Split sounded disgusted to even think about it, "no, I haven't seen him anywhere."

"Why are you checking your boots like that?"

"No reason. No, I haven't seen him. Not a hair nor a hide nor a shoe." He was lying but he was not going to admit he had been duped, rather easily, by a mercenary.

"Neither have I." The Doctor rolled over to them. "Of course, that's because I've been with you, Princess,"

"He might have left," Split suggested, "Maybe he's a Federation spy and he's gone to sell us out! Or maybe he took his pay and bolted. They usually do."

Astrid shook her head. "He didn't and he wouldn't do that."

"Oh? And how can you be so sure? Perhaps you trust him more than you ought to?" Split suggested.

"He makes a good point." The Doctor said, "He _has_ completed his mission for us. How can you be sure he hasn't left already?"

Astrid rolled her eyes and pointed. "I'm sure, _Doctor_ , because his ship is still parked over there. And I doubt even _he_ has figured out how to fly through space without a spaceship, so unless he stole another ship for some bizarre reason, he has not left. Ergo, he is somewhere here. So where is he?"

.

He was, at that moment, entering an underground chamber carved into a mountain of cheese. Aside from the material it was made of the cave looked like any other cave. Gobber gestured for the others to take a seat, while he disappeared and returned with a large pot.

"This is 'tagunnia'." He announced as he handed out small bowls made of scrap metal, "'tis the only thing we eat around here."

"You don't eat cheese?" Heather asked.

"If we did that, the moon would disappear, wouldn't it! Now eat, eat!"

Only the Androids did not eat, for they had no need to. Trio carefully sipped a bit from his bowl, shrugged, and had some more. "Not bad." He glanced up at the Terrors, who were watching him eagerly, "Not bad at all."

"He likes it!"

"And we like it!"

"And we like him!"

One Terror, bolder than the others, approached Trio and began to sniff his fingers. Trio very carefully raised his free hand and brought it down until it was slightly touching the Terror's head. The Terror stiffened at first, but quickly relaxed. Growing more comfortable, Trio began to pet the creature. The Terror decided he liked this very much, so he climbed into Trio's lap and curled up.

The other Terrors were delighted and envious. At once they followed suit and started climbing onto Trio, knocking his bowl from his hands.

The humans found this amusing and enjoyed the affection. But they could almost see the alarms go off in 2TH-LS. He had a very possessive nature. He zipped forward, his zapper out. " **Hey! Get off him! This is** _ **my**_ **human! You've already got one! Off! Off**!"

"Oh Bud, let them be," Trio said, "I don't mind,"

" **Well** _ **I**_ **do**!" But while 2TH did not like to share his human, he also did not like to go against his human's wishes. So he backed off, sulking.

The Terrors clung to Trio happily. "We like you! We like you very much!" they looked at the robot. "And we _don't_ like you!"

General Vast was getting impatient again. "That's all very charming, but why can't we get the Stone now? We're wasting time!"

"Time is irrelevant here," Gobber replied, "Have some tagunnia and be calm." Vast ate, but he did not calm down. Seeing this, Gobber shook his head. "No patience, no patience. Jest like every human." He sighed. "Ya want the Stone? Why?"

"To save the galaxy from the Federation." Heather replied with her mouth full.

Gobber smiled for some reason. The Terrors stopped climbing on Trio and paused to listen.

"The Stone gives unlimited power to whoever uses it!" General Vast said forcefully, "So we've got to get it before the Supreme Leader gets it!"

The Terrors started laughing. Trio looked down at them in confusion, "what's so funny, guys?"

"Before he gets it!" they laughed over and over, "Before he gets it!"

"He won't get it," Gobber assured them, "'E has to pass the trials first, and he won't ever get past 'em!"

"What trials?" Nut 1 asked.

"Three tests. On'y one that passes all will get to the Stone."

"Tests!" Nut 2 screamed, making everyone jump. "What tests? Are they math related? I hate math!"

"Where are these tests?" General Vast asked eagerly.

Gobber eyed the Terrors, who shook their heads. He smiled ruefully. "I didn't pass the second one. As for ya, general, ya haven't passed the first."

"What? We're being tested already?"

"I haven't studied!" Nut 2 cried.

"All o' life's a test," Gobber observed. "So…" he turned to the Terrors and pointed to Trio, "What d'ya think?"

"Sorry?" Trio said, confused.

The Terrors raised their tails.

Gobber grinned. "Oh, so this is going to be charades, is it? All right." The Terrors dropped their tails and raised them again, then repeated the movements. Three words? Three words. First word—tail half raised means one syllable, right? Right—it's been a while since we've played this—first word, one syllable."

A Terror sat down. Gobber frowned, trying to solve the clue.

"Ya sat down—you're acting like a dog. Dog sits down. Dog sits—dog heels—heel!"

The Terrors chirped happily.

" **Does that mean he guessed correctly**?" 2TH whispered to Trio.

"Evidently."

Gobber squared up for the second round. "Next word—one syllable."

Another Terror flapped its wings and started zipping around. At one point it made an odd gesture with its tail.

"Ya look like ya were trying to sting something. Sting something? And you're acting like—like a bee!"

The Terrors chirped again.

"Heel Bee—all right, third word. Three syllables this time. _Now_ what are ya doing?"

"He looks like he's trying on a suit," Trio commented. He had looked that way himself back on Tat-tooing, when he was formulating his crazy wardrobe.

The Terrors chirped. Gobber cheered.

"Suit! That's the word! Second syllable—very small. 'The'? 'An'? 'A'? 'A'! So the word is 'Suit-a-'…what's the third syllable? You're running around like a bull! Bull! Suit-a-bull! Heel-Bee-Suit-A-Bull. He'll be suitable! I've got it!"

The Terrors cheered and Gobber applauded. "Congratulations, Trio, you've passed the first Test and may proceed to the second one!"

Trio had been enjoying the game almost as much as Gobber, but once again he was confused. "What was that?"

"Ya may proceed onwards. If you wish to, that is."

Have you ever had a moment where everything suddenly seems to be moving too fast? This was how Trio and his companions now felt.

Gobber understood their perplexity. "Look, the first test was to receive the approval of the Terrors. General, ya were too impatient. Mister Nut, ya offended them. Ya did too, Miss Nut, when ya refused to eat to tagunnia."

"But I can't eat!" Nut 1 exclaimed.

"They don't know that. You, Miss Heather, have rudely avoided them, and you, Mister Robot, have tried to harm them. Master Trio, on the other hand, likes them and they like him.

Trio paused. "So what exactly happens now?"

"Now? Now you proceed down the Ravine of Doom and face the next challenge!"

2TH was alarmed. " **Ravine of what**?"

"Sounds awesome!" Nut 2 cried.

"Sounds a bit corny to me," Nut 1 mumbled.

Gobber went on, "That's if ya want to, of course. No one's a-gonna stop ya one way or another. Yer free to do as ya please."

Before he could give any response Heather rushed over to him. "Trio, I am begging you, you _must_ do this! You must! We're desperate for a final victory! Retrieve that Stone and bring it to the Separatists and we'll…we'll…we'll triple your promised pay! Quadruple it! Maybe even—"

Trio angrily backed away from her. "I don't just do things for money, you know!"

Heather fell silent, afraid that he would now do exactly the opposite of what she wanted, just to spite her.

Trio turned to Gobber. "Where is this Ravine of Doom?"

Gobber pointed down a passage. "It'll open up to the air soon. Just keep following it."

Trio picked up his things. He said testily, "Fine with me. Oh, and don't worry, Heather, General Vast. The _Suspicious Character_ might just succeed where the Separatists didn't— _again_." He gave them a scornful look and started walking away. He was just nearing the passage way when 2TH suddenly came to his senses.

" **He's going to try a bunch of death defying challenges and who knows what without** _ **me**_ **to guide him? Oh, I don't think so**!" The little robot rolled after his friend as fast as his mechanical parts could carry him. Gobber was aghast at this but it was too late to stop him.

"But the rules! The rules say—actually, come ta think o' it, I don't know what the rules say."

"They weren't conceived with robots in mind?" Nut 2 asked, slightly amused.

"Look around ya, lad. How many robots do ya think we have here? The only machines on this Moon are crashed spacecraft." He suddenly grinned at the General in such a way that made everyone suspect he knew more than he was choosing to tell. "Well, we'll just wait here for him to get the Stone or fail trying. The Queen will be arriving soon, and we'll have some pretty interesting conversations when she does. Until then, have some more tagunnia. It's very good and tasty, yes?"

"Yes it is," Vast mumbled. He and Heather had butterflies in their stomachs, and not from the meal but from wondering what Trio was doing now. They also had his parting words in mind, which left a sour sting. Still, they needed food, so they helped themselves to another bowl. It was pretty tasty, they had to admit.

At that moment a Terror entered the cavern carrying something in its mouth, something with many hairy and twitching legs. He spat it onto the floor and began munching on it.

"What's that thing he's eating?" Nut 1 asked. "It looks disgustingly awesome!"

"It's a tagunnia in its natural state," Gobber replied casually.

The humans paled and their eyes widened. They put their bowls down, suddenly no longer hungry.


	22. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Soon enough the cave turned into a ravine. "The Ravine of Doom, huh?" Trio paused to look around and 2TH caught up with him.

" **You were going to do this without me**!" the robot accused.

"I was not! I knew you'd come with me. I thought that went without saying." Trio replied, "Whew! Am I glad to be away from those Separatists! Maybe once we get that Stone I'll make myself the new Supreme Leader. That would show them!"

" **Would you really**?"

"Aw, probably not. I don't want to be a ruler. Still, can you believe those guys? We bring them Astrid and that map, we fight alongside them, and now we're going after the thing they want more than any other, and how do they treat us? Like 'Suspicious Characters'!" He kicked the soft ground. "Why do people always like calling me names?"

" **So if we're not doing this for them or for ourselves, why** _ **are**_ **we doing it**?"

Trio shrugged. "Maybe because it's the right thing to do. Or maybe because the Federation is even worse. Or maybe because I'll take a chance to show that I'm better than people give me credit for. Or maybe—"

" **Or maybe it would please a certain** _ **princess**_ **of the Homo-Sapiens. Am I correct?** "

"I didn't say that—but yes, it would." He added, blushing.

" **I knew it! We're going to risk limbs and appendages for a bunch of people who don't like us because one of them happens to look appealing to you and it's making the hormones in your head kick into overdrive**!"

"There's more to it than hormones, Bud," Trio said softly, "there has to be." He looked at his friend and put a hand on his metal casing. "But if you don't care for my reasons, what are _you_ in this for? You could've just gone back to wait at the ship."

" **I'm here because you are. I thought that went without saying. You'll never make it without me and you know it! Why, the last time you went off on your own you got frozen in butter**!"

Trio sighed heavily. "Right as always, I suppose."

" **Of course I am**!" the robot said brightly, " **so where to now**?"

They kept walking forward, as there was nowhere else to go. Of course, most people only ever walk forward, because forward is usually the direction we instinctively walk. After a few minutes they noticed a curious plume of green smoke rising over the walls of the canyon. At length they turned a corner and found a man sitting cross-legged before them. I call him a man, but it was such a man as they had never seen before—and please believe me when I say they had seen some odd men before. He was large, with a big plump belly. He wore loose and baggy green clothes. And he had two heads. Two heads that were hardly human at all, but more like the heads of iguanas. Even stranger, his two necks were very thin, and each was nearly three feet long, with spines running down their backsides. This unusual person had a hookah pipe in one mouth, and when the other mouth opened green smoke wafted out.

The person (or was it persons? Trio wondered. They did, after all, have two heads) did not seem surprised to have company. It—he—they—whichever you please—looked at Trio and 2TH with bemused expressions.

The Head on the Right spoke first. "Thou—"

"—Art—" said the one on the Left.

"—Whom?" The two said together. They spoke in languid tones and drew each word out for several seconds longer than generally needed.

Trio and 2TH exchanged looks of uncertainty. Or rather, Trio did: 2TH could not change his facial expressions.

Trio finally spoke, "I'm H. Trio. Who are you?"

"Whom—"

"—In—"

"—Deed!" The two heads started laughing eerily. Then one of them burped. The other wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Oh, there you go again, always ruining the atmosphere with your stupid digestive problems!"

" _My_ stupid digestive problems? What about you? Practically everything we eat makes you sick!"

The Left Head turned to 2TH, "See what I have to put up with? Consider yourself lucky you don't have another head—though it would certainly be an improvement in your case—"

" **What**!"

"Oooh," the two Heads said together.

"What strange sounds—"

"—it's making!"

"What's it saying?"

Evidently they could not understand the robotic language 2TH used.

"Wait!" cried the Right Head, "I know what it's saying! It's saying 'he's so handsome and the other one is downright ugly'!"

"Am not!"

" **I wouldn't have said** _ **just**_ **the other one is ugly** ," 2TH said slyly.

"See there?" cried the Left Head, "he's saying that I am 'so smart and clever and the other one is a big buffoon'! And he snores too!" he added angrily.

"Well if you would help me blow my nose every night I wouldn't have to breathe through my mouth, but nooooo, it's always 'pick your stupid nose yourself!' I ask you, how can anyone survive such treatment?"

Trio coughed. "Um…excuse me, but I thought there was supposed to be some kind of challenge here? A test of the Torque and all that?"

The Two Heads, which had begun headbutting each other, dropped their quarrel at once and looked positively delighted.

"The Challenge!"

"The Second Test!"

"The Grand Daddy of them all!"

"Prepare yourself, young mortal!"

"Hardly anybody, in all of our four hundred and—and—"

"80 billion,"

"Right, 4 hundred and 80 billion years—and 3 weeks, 2 days and 12 minutes—"

"—has ever managed to win!"

Trio began to feel nervous and hoped they exaggerated. "What kind of test is this exactly?"

"A duel!" the Heads cried.

Trio felt better now. The man did not appear to be much of a fighter. He was sure he could handle such a fight. Unless, of course, the man would not be the one he was fighting. He stomach turned as he wondered if the man was going to summon some horrid beast.

"And what a duel!" the Right Head cried.

"A duel of epic proportions!"

"What kind of duel? Who am I fighting against?" Trio asked, looking around.

"Us!"

"With—"

They began pounding the ground with their feet and hands, making a weird drumming sound.

"—Insults!" they cried.

Trio staggered. "Sorry?"

"Was that not dramatic enough?" the Right Head asked anxiously.

"You could've done better." The Left one retorted.

"I had perfect timing!"

Trio held up his hands, "No, I meant this is a duel of… _insults_?"

"YES!" The Heads screamed.

Trio slowly sat down. "Ground rules?"

"You insult us—"

"—we insult you—"

"—first one to break or run out of ideas loses!" they cried.

Trio managed to smile. "Well then. Uh…you go first."

The Left Head spoke eagerly, "Your mother's got bricks in her head!"

Trio's face fell. "I've never had a mother."

The excitement instantly departed from the two heads. "Oh gosh, I'm sorry,"

"Yeah, that was hitting below the belt," the Right Head agreed.

"We'll start over, how's that? That one doesn't count."

They spoke so gently that Trio smiled shyly and waved his hand dismissively. "Let it go. My turn: hmm…well, my mom may have had bricks in her head, but you guys must have _nothing_ in your heads if that's the best insult you could come up with!"

"Oooh!" cried the Right Head, cringing. 2TH chuckled.

"I was just warming up!" cried the Left. "I've got plenty of good insults! When you're 4 hundred and 80 billion years, 3 weeks, 2 days and 12 minutes old, you've have plenty of time to come up with them!"

"Got any other hobbies?" Trio asked.

"Smoking, for one."

"And shouldn't it be more like 15 minutes old now?"

"He's sharp," the Left Head commented to 2TH.

"Yeah, sharp as pile of cookie dough!" sneered the Right Head.

I should note, that though this might sound downright mean, the two Heads were clearly saying these things in the spirit of mischief and did not intend for any of it to be taken personally. It was just friendly banter to them, and when Trio got them good they laughed as loudly as anyone.

Trio soon caught the spirit and drew himself up, like a prize fighter ready to take on his next opponent. "I'd hang a portrait of you boys in a bar because nothing will make drunkards throw up like the sight of you two!"

"ARGGH!" cried the Right.

"Oh yeah?" said the Left, "All the drunkards are getting drunk because they're trying to forget the sight of _you_ , you miserable little pile of artichoke fuzz!"

"Hear that, Bud? That was kinda creative."

The two Heads were delighted. "Really?"

"Does this mean we win?"

"Really. I mean, you've just proven you're not as stupid as you look—but then again, nobody could be! And no," he added as they scowled, "You haven't won and you're not going to."

.

Lord Snot decided it was time to cement his authority with the crew of the Shattermaster. And the instant he entered one of the various crew quarters he was appalled.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

The crewmen looked up from their card game. The table was covered with a pile of plastic chips and the air had the scent of alcohol, which was supposed to be forbidden. The crewmen were unshaven, unwashed, and their clothes were wrinkled. To Lord Snot, who fancied himself a top notch drillmaster, it was a terrible sight.

Now, it is important to note that the _Shattermaster_ was a huge ship, and consequently many had only been informed of Lord Dagur's sacking indirectly, and even more still had no idea who had replaced him or what he looked like. So instead of leaping to attention and saluting, as Lord Snot had expected, these crewmen stayed in their chairs and looked up irritably.

"Is that question rhetorical?" one asked.

"Yeah, buzz off."

"Disgraceful! Playing cards in _my_ presence!" Lord Snot furiously grabbed the cards in one man's hands and threw them on the floor.

"HA! I knew you were bluffing!" a Sergeant cried once he saw them.

"Argh!" the man stood up and rounded on Snot. He was nearly a foot taller than him. "Twenty-five on the table and you just blew my chances!"

"Twenty-five!" Snot snorted, "Please, you can make that much in an hour."

"I make that much in a week!"

Snot drew himself up pompously. "Then let this be a lesson! No one plays cards, stays seated, talks back, gambles, talks rudely, wears underwear, sings, throws up, eats, drinks, watches movies, flirts, walks, vandalizes, cooks—"

"Couldn't we get the short list?" one of them mumbled.

"—or plays jump rope in Lord Snot's presence!"

"Lord Snot? Who the blinkity-blankity so-and-so is Lord Snot?"

"I am!"

"I figured that, but who _are_ you?"

Another crewman snorted. "Ain't you the Ace who sold out his friends?"

"I didn't—"

The men laughed. "Right! He is!"

"He's a Sep!"

"Hey lads, he thinks he can _separate_ us from our game!"

"Here, Ace, have the Ace of Clubs, and beat yourself over the head with it!"

Lord Snot got even angrier. "I am your commander now, and I _order_ you—"

They laughed harder, and Lord Snot found he was having trouble coming up with a comeback. He tried the Torque move the Supreme Leader had used earlier, but it only made them laugh even more.

"Ooooh, we're so scared!"

Snot abruptly picked up the poker chips and threw them into the air. "Who dares to question Lord Snot's authority?" He demanded, and for a change he looked almost intimidating. But his semi-impressive figure was quickly cut short when the chips began plopping down on his head, startling him. One would have suspected the crewmen could not have laughed any harder than before, but they did. Snot stormed away shouting, "Just you people wait! I'll stuff grenades down your boxers! Where's the armory?"

.

The _Shattermaster's_ chief Chemist held a test tube over another. "All set?"

"Ready sir,"

"Right…steady now. Remember everyone, if we overdo this by just a few drops…"

"We could all end up in body bags," laughed one assistant nervously.

Another spoke with a hoarse voice. "Oh don't be so gloomy! This concoction isn't _that_ powerful!"

"Sure, it'll just blow us into the next room."

The Chemist very slowly tilted the tube and very slowly let a drop slide out.

"Good…just a little more…"

"Careful, sir," one aid squeaked.

"Relax, Spotty, it'll be fine…steady…steady…"

The door suddenly burst opened. The startled chemists jumped.

"WHERE'S THE STUPID ARMORY?" Lord Snot roared.

.

The crewmen were picking up the poker chips when they heard a horribly loud 'BOOM!'

"Yikes! Are we under attack?"

They rushed to the door and down the corridor. They were joined by a multitude. As they hurried towards the source of the commotion Lord Snot, covered in black soot, was walking in the other direction, hoping nobody would notice him. He hoped in vain, for everyone watched him go with stunned and amused expressions.

"That wasn't the armory," he muttered lamely.

He went to his quarters. What a mess, and it was practically still only his first day.

"Right. What else can go wrong?" he asked heavily.

And once he entered his room he found Alvin the Glut had somehow broken in and gotten into his can of chocolates.

"WHAT ARE YOU—!"

"Why are you all covered in soot?" Alvin asked with his mouth full.

"THOSE ARE—THOSE ARE— _MY_ CHOCOLATES!"

"Well I'm hungry!" Alvin the Glut whined pathetically.

As crewmen carried the unconscious chemists to the so-called medical bay (there was no budget for a proper facility) they heard a tremendous scuffle and a lot of screaming and squealing coming from Lord Snot's room.

"MINE! (OUCH!) MINE! (ARGH!) MINE! (OW!)"

.

General Vast tapped his foot impatiently. "What's taking him so long?"

"Oh calm down," Gobber said cheerfully.

But given how close they were to success and how little they could do to influence it now, the Separatists could not stay calm. The Terrors, who might have been a source of distracting amusement, were sitting in crevices, silent but twitching with excitement, like kids just before birthday presents are brought out. The two androids quickly got bored with watching them and left the cave to find something to do. General Vast almost joined them but Gobber grabbed him.

"I hear footsteps! General Vast, if this is who I think it is—and who else could it be?—then you're going to be very glad you stayed here!" He pointed to yet another corner of the cave (how many did it have? they wondered), somewhat higher up than they were, where light was suddenly poking through. Evidently this corner was connected to an entrance. They could now see the dark shape of a person in the gloom.

The Terrors went "oooh!" and cried "It's Queen Arsenic Loraine!" They quickly got in a line and bowed. A hush fell upon everybody. Even Gobber stiffened his posture to something more formal. Heather and the General watched with mounting tension as this person approached. Their minds were racing with questions. Who was this Queen, why were the Terrors so in awe of her, and what would she do when she learned of their presence? They watched the Queen advance with slow, deliberate steps.

And then she slipped on the cheesy floor and tumbled, with a shriek, all the way down to where they were sitting, landing right in front of General Vast.

The Terrors cheered. General Vast looked down at the woman before him and his heart nearly stopped.

He was looking at his wife.

.

"…and if I truly wanted to torture the Federation I'd hire you to sing for them," Trio said. "But I'm not that vindictive of a man, so I suppose you'll just have to sing for each other. And I'm sure it'll be nice having an audience member who can't run away!" As he had with every insult, the two headed man laughed loudly and hard.

"He's good!"

"Well," Trio smiled patronizingly, "where is Fancy bred? In the Heart or in the Head?"

" **Why is the bread fancy and what would it be doing in the cranium or the heart muscle**?" 2TH asked, puzzled. Trio sniggered into his hand.

"He's…well…" the other head was trying to make a comeback, but he running on fumes by then. "He's…he's dumb!"

The Right Head groaned. "That's the best you've got?"

"I panicked, all right?"

"Oh that's fine," Trio replied, "I must be dumb indeed because, as they say, it takes one to know one! But I've truly met my match in you, you sons of purple spotted triple tailed bilge rats from the planet Moronicus!"

The Left Head sighed wearily, "I've got nothing."

"Me neither."

2TH beeped impatiently. " **Does that mean we won**?"

"Yes—" the Heads resumed their dreamlike way of speaking.

"You—"

"—passed—"

"—the test."

"We will diminish—"

"—and go into the west,"

"Why?" Trio asked, "What's in the west?" He turned to look, and when his gaze returned he found the man was gone. A cloud of green smoke drifted into the air.

" **Well that was…interesting**."


	23. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Trio and 2TH-LS had entered yet another cave, and this one was so dark they were practically invisible to each other.

" **Evidently Red Leicester cheese is not conducive for lighting purposes**."

"Whatever you say, Bud. I wonder what this third challenge is going to be." Trio said.

" **Hard to say, given the other ones we've gone through**."

As they advanced Trio suddenly paused and looked down at the feet he could not see. "Do you hear that?"

" **I detected it 2.56 minutes before you did. There's something on the ground**."

Trio shifted his weight a little. "Something crunchy. Heh. Maybe we're stepping on crackers!"

He reached into a pocket and pulled out a small lamp. Fumbling a bit, he managed to turn it on and pointed it at the ground.

They were standing amidst moths. Millions of moths, all of them mottled brown and gray with big ugly, feathery wings, bulging abdomens, and long fuzzy antennae. Why they were not flying was anybody's guess, but they were scurrying about on every inch of the cave, from the floor to the ceiling.

Trio hated moths. Something about the way they looked really sickened him. And they were everywhere! They were starting to crawl up his feet and onto his legs. He even thought he felt some getting into his hair. He started to sweat.

"Let's…get out of here." He barely opened his mouth, for fear a moth might crawl into it. He took a few steps and then, to his complete astonishment, he saw Astrid standing before them.

"Astrid! What on earth are you—?" He took a step closer, but to his perplexity Astrid made no move. She stood still as stone, her face expressionless. "Astrid?"

She then smiled and instead of making his heart flutter, as her smiles usually had, it made his stomach churn. His anxiety increased a hundred fold when she took a step towards him, arms raised as if to embrace him, and then her skin literally began to rot away. Before their eyes her body decayed and her clothes disintegrated. The muscles putrefied rapidly and her bones grew more exposed, until there was more bone than flesh. Her eyes sunk into their sockets until they disappeared altogether.

" _ **HOLY**_ …" 2TH gasped.

Before them now stood a living, half decomposed skeleton, as brown as vomit. Strands of skin and muscles hung loosely from the outstretched fingers. The intestines and organs still clung to its ribcage. And it kept walking towards them. And as it did Trio suddenly remembered the hairy moths that were now climbing up his pants and down his shirt.

He wanted to run. He wanted to get out of this place and never return. He wanted to scream and wake up from this nightmare. That was all he could think about. Yet he was rooted to the spot with fear. Meanwhile, the skeleton was getting ever closer. Two more steps and it could touch him with those horrible fingers, which were almost claws. Its mouth hung open, as if grinning broadly. Several yellow teeth dropped out of it.

2TH suddenly beeped, or more correctly blared, in a panic. " **Those pests are getting into my circuits**!"

The sound of his friend in trouble brought Trio back to life. He shook his head and lunged at the skeleton, landing a punch squarely on its horrid face. The creature reeled but recovered. It tried to counterattack but Trio caught its arm and pulled it onto the floor, killing perhaps a hundred moths in the process. He grieved not. The monstrous creature tried to get back up but Trio pushed it down with his metal foot. There was a sickening crack of bones. He looked the skeleton directly in the eye (so to speak) and the creature saw there was no fear in him.

And just like that, the skeleton crumbled into dust and the moths vanished. The two friends looked around in bewilderment.

" **What in the name of science was all** _ **that**_ **about**?" 2TH cried. " **Was that the third test**?"

"How about we just get out of here _before_ those things come back?" Trio hinted. He leaned against a wall, breathing heavily.

" **Good idea**."

They hurried deeper into the cave, wondering more than ever what was coming next.

" **You know, I don't understand these tests** ," 2TH remarked after a period of silence, after they had had a chance to calm down and think things over. " **First you have to be nice to Terrible Terrors, then you have to insult a two headed alien, then you have to fight a skeleton and a plague of moths? What's the connection**?"

"I've been wondering that too."

" **I mean, the first test is, what, compassion? Then your wits are tested, and then your bravery**?"

"Compassion, wits, and bravery." He shrugged. "That's as good an explanation as any, I guess. I wonder if that third test is somehow tailored to each person's fears…"

" **You mean** …"

"Well, I doubt if Alvin went through it he would've been scared by moths or the sight of Astrid turning into a skeleton. Goodness knows I sure was," he added shakily under his breath. "It must've been some trick of the Torque."

" **So if I'd been the one taking the test, I'd have seen you turn into a corpse and been surrounded by a plague of screwdrivers and wire cutters**?"

Trio smiled. "Yes Bud, that's right. Living screwdrivers come to unscrew your machinery and leave you in a hundred helpless inanimate pieces."

" **Brrrrr** …"

.

General Vast could hardly believe what was happening to him. A few minutes ago he had been sitting impatiently for something to happen and now the wife whom he had not seen in nearly 20 years was sitting before him.

It was all he could do to utter the word "What?"

Gobber was behind him and burst out laughing. So did the Terrors, while Heather was almost as stunned as the General was. She had never actually seen Valka Vast before: the kidnapping had happened when she was just a child, but she knew the story well enough to guess who the strange woman was.

Valka Vast was as unsure of what to say as her husband was. At length all she could say was "Hello,"

Talk about a poor way to start after a 2 decades long separation.

She suddenly turned to Gobber. "You could've told me he'd arrived!"

"It was more fun this way," Gobber replied mischievously.

" _Fun_! I had the whole scene planned in my head! It was going to be the perfect reunion, and what happens? I slip on a piece of cheese and land in a heap in front of him! If you'd warned me I wouldn't have come in that way!"

"And ya would've spent 10 hours doing your hair, no doubt."

"I would not! It would've been done in that many minutes!"

"So she says, but ya wouldn't believe how long she spends fixing her hair whenever she's thinkin' about reuniting with her husband." Gobber whispered to Heather.

General Vast coughed loudly.

"Oh yes," Gobber said, "I believe you'll want to know what happened, yes?"

The General faintly inclined his head. His eyes were still wide with shock.

"Well, that's quite simple. Ya see, Valka here—"

"Gobber, I'll tell it," Valka Vast said sharply.

"Oh by all means, _your highness_."

She shot a glare at him and turned back to her husband. "Stoick, I am so, so sorry about all that's happened, but you must believe me when I tell you it wasn't by choice!"

"Not by choice?" General Vast said hoarsely, a glint in his eyes, "20 years apart and it wasn't by _choice_?"

"No, it wasn't! I crashed here and there wasn't a way to repair the ship! And anyway," she gestured angrily to the Terrors, "they ate the fuel tank!"

The Terrors threw themselves at her feet, wailing, "Oh we are worthless! Miserable and worthless! Forgive us, Great Queen, for our bad behavior!"

"Although that stuff _was_ pretty tasty," one commented.

"And I've never breathed such a fireball as on that day!"

"But it gave us stomach gas, remember?"

"This is definitely not how I thought this reunion would go." Valka said wearily.

"Same," her husband agreed. "Oh, _would you little pests shut up_!"

The Terrors back away, terrified.

The General looked at his wife. "Why do they call you their Queen?"

She shrugged. "They liked the idea of it."

"And Arsenic Loraine? What's that?"

"I was delirious. I _think_ I was trying to ask for my mother Loraine, but it came out wrong. Either that or they misheard me." She looked at the Terrors, who were grinning. She could not help but smile fondly back.

"Why were you delirious?" asked Heather.

"From the crash."

"Crash?" General Vast exclaimed.

"Perhaps you should just start at the beginning," Gobber hinted.

"Yeah!" The Terrors cheered, "We want a story!" They fell silent again under the look the General gave them.

Valka cleared her throat. "I just remember leaving that charity dinner—you remember, of course?"

"Of course." How could he forget the last time he had seen her?

"Yes, I'd left with our boy because he was getting antsy, and then I felt something like a bug bite and the next thing I know I'm in a cell on a ship."

"How did you get out?" Heather asked.

"I picked the lock," she sounded fairly pleased with herself. "But the alarm was raised sooner than I'd hoped. I got to an escape pod and took off, but they opened fire on me just as I was starting the Hyperactive drive. I was thrown off course and drifted through space for…oh, I still have no idea how long it was. I was half dazed and half starved for so much of it. Finally I came to this moon."

"The Torque guided her here." Gobber declared.

There was a pause. General Vast said "and then?"

She shrugged. "The ship was damaged beyond repair in the crash."

"Just like mine had been," Gobber added.

"And I've been here ever since." She said sorrowfully.

There was another, much longer pause. Again, General Vast was the one who broke it. "What about our son? What about Hal?"

His wife turned paler than she already was. "You didn't find him? I'd tried to, but once the alarm went off and I had to flee alone…" she looked down, her face contorting. It was clear she had wracked with guilt for years over whether or not that had been the right decision. "…I'd planned to escape back to you and get you to send an army after him, or we'd pay a ransom or something. Even after I'd crashed here and couldn't do anything, I still thought you'd find him. Are you saying you never did?"

Her husband shook his head numbly. "I would've sent an army after him. I would've given my last coin to get you both back safe. But no ransom ever came and I never was able to find out where he was." He eyed his wife hopefully. "Did you never find out who your captors were?"

"Oh yes I did." She laughed miserably, "That ship had cargo with Alvin the Glut's personal symbol on it."

Her husband's fists tightened. "I should've known! I thought it might've been him, but I had no proof and you don't go up against a mobster like Alvin on a mere hunch…but why no ransom demand? Alvin would never do something for free—unless someone _else_ was paying him…someone like _Viggo_!" he spat the name. "That monster! And I'll bet those two are laughing about it right now!"

"Don't you worry," Gobber replied, "Old Viggo won't be laughing for much longer."

"What d'you mean?" Heather asked.

Gobber grinned again, this time rather unpleasantly.

.

Astrid had gone to the Centennial Condor hoping to find Trio there. She hoped in vain.

"Where _is_ he? Did he get frozen in butter again?" She threw herself into a chair and tried to think. She was half tempted to contact the author again, but…no, she did not like that notion. It felt like using someone as a crutch whenever things went wrong, and that was repugnant to her. She might also learn a few things that she would prefer not to know.

Still, as she sat and thought she could not help but conclude something: she missed Trio.

Shouts from outside caught her attention. An uneasy feeling came to her stomach as she hurried out to see what was going on.

The Separatists had gathered and many were pointing upwards. "Look! Up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!" a pilot shouted.

"It's a plane!" The Doctor cried.

"It's—!"

"Monty Python's Flying Circus?" asked Split dryly.

He was close, actually, for it _was_ flying and it _did_ sometimes seem like a circus, but No. It was (sadly) not that. It was the Federation fleet.

.

The Supreme Leader sat in a chair, sipping an orange cocktail. He pressed a button on the armrest.

"Planet Saturn Targeted." said an automated voice.

He quickly pressed the 'Cancel' button and pressed a different one. This time a person answered.

"Yes, Supreme Leader?"

"Fire when ready." He replied languidly.

"Of course sir…but…"

Don Viggo de Cappuccino frowned. "But?" It was never a good sign when subordinates used that word.

"Well, sir…you know Lord Snot?"

"Unfortunately," he mumbled.

"Well, Lord Snot thought he could negotiate with the Separatists and thought he could convince the Princess—"

Viggo tapped his fingers impatiently. "Just tell me, Mister Larsen."

"Well…he just took a shuttle down to the surface."

The Don sat up. "What?"

"Yes sir."

He was very tempted to tell them to forget Snot and start the bombardment anyway. But then he relaxed. Perhaps he could work this to his advantage. After all, Lord Snot could take a look around and report back on what he saw (assuming the Separatists let him return). And if he by some miracle brought back Princess Astrid as a hostage, well, that could be a useful gain. "All right, Mr. Larsen, we will let him spend time with his would-be girlfriend. I _would_ prefer to avoid bloodshed if possible. But keep your guns pointed at their base."

"Of course sir…oh, and sir?"

"Oh, what _now_?"

"You remember Dagur?"

"Sadly. I hope you mean 'remember' as in he's no longer with us."

"Well, in a manner of speaking…"

The Don sat up again. "What's he done now?"

"According to the security footage, he's also taken a shuttle down to the moon's surface."

The Don slammed his fist on the armrest. "What! Lock down that shuttle bay—!"

As he shouted commands a dozen automated voices began speaking.

"Planet Earth Targeted."

"Oxygen Tanks Disabled."

"Toilet Flushing System Will Be Reversed."

"Self Destruct Will Be Activated In—"

He pounded the 'Cancel' button over and over again until the voices stopped.

.

Still in the cave, Trio turned a corner and stopped. Before him was a small chamber, and in the center was a thin silver rod. Sitting upon the top of this pedestal was a Stone, about the size of a fist. It was electric blue and sphere shaped, with hundreds of facets, each one like a tiny mirror. Though the cave was sealed off from the light of the outside world, the Stone glowed brightly. Strange wisps of fog and vapor eerily circled the floor around it.

Trio looked around carefully, decided there was nothing to fear (which was almost scary in itself), and took a few steps forward. When nothing happened he grew more confident and took a few more. 2TH watched from the passageway opening.

Very slowly Trio raised a hand and uncertainly moved it closer and closer to the Stone. 2TH beeped anxiously. Trio finally ran a finger against the Stone. Nothing happened and he put a finger against it and held it there. Still nothing happened. Growing bolder, he wrapped all his fingers around the Stone and gently lifted it from its pedestal. He had expected the Stone would be freezing cold, as most rocks in a cave are, but the moment he touched it he felt warmth run up and down his veins and thought the Stone's glow had grown brighter. He held it up and examined it.

" _Look_ at it, Bud."

" **I'm looking."**

"I feel like I'm looking into the very vortex of Time itself. I'm holding the power of all creation in my hand. The Past, Present, the Future; all Reality is mine to control. Are you listening to me, Bud?"

" **Yes, and I'm not sure I like what I'm** —"

"I have the power to do anything I want! I could raise myself up as a God over the entire Universe! Everyone would worship me and love me and fear me!" He was speaking much faster now, "I decide who'll live and who'll die! I decide who should be rewarded and who should suffer! No other Will but Mine shall exist!" He held the stone even higher and his voice grew louder. 2TH backed away worriedly. "I'll be the Ruler of All Existence! And I'll start by destroying all the moths and Suspicious Characters! Then I'll make myself a palace of marzipan and live on sweets for the rest of my life without getting any cavities!"

" **All right, now I** _ **know**_ **you're joking**."

Trio dropped the dramatic pose at once. "Well _of course_ I'm joking! Do you think I want all that power for myself?" He lowered his hand. "I almost feel like taking this Stone from here would be a bad idea. People commit murder for all kinds of gemstones; imagine how many throats will be cut for a jewel that grants unlimited power to its owner."

" **That calculation comes out to** —"

"I don't need the exact number, Bud. I think suffice to say this Stone mustn't fall into the wrong hands." He examined it again. "But now that we have it…"

" **Let's at least keep it safe for the time being**." 2TH suggested.

"Agreed. And if we use some of this power for good causes…I could still end slavery or universal hunger, maybe?"

2TH cocked his dome to one side. " **How does it even work, anyway**?"

Trio looked at the Stone's center and thought deeply. A few sparks cackled around it and a cup of buttermilk appeared on the ground.

2TH was astounded. " **All the power of the Universe and the first thing you do is ask for…** _ **buttermilk**_!"

"I wanted to start with something tame and trivial! Besides, I'm kinda thirsty." He picked up the cup and drained it. "That's better. Well, we've got the Stone now. Shall we head back?"

" **Can it teleport us back**?"

"Let's find out." He clenched the Stone and thought of him and 2TH back in the cave with the Terrors. And just like that, the walls around them vanished…and they ended up flopping down in the middle of a cheesy crater on top of the Canyon of Doom.

"OK, so it's harder than I thought."

" **Considerably** ," the Robot beeped irritably. " **My best friend is an unthinking muttonhead** …"

"And my best friend wants to be disassembled."

" **You're brave, splendid, brilliant, full of surprises, a kind and loving—** "

Trio grinned as he got to his feet. "That's more like it. Now, shall we try it again?"

2TH said " **No**." They made their way back to the cave on foot (so to speak, in the Robot's case.)


	24. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

The Separatists leapt towards their guns and their ships, but they knew it was probably already too late. Still, they were prepared to go down fighting.

"Why haven't they opened fire on us yet?" The Princess wondered.

"Not that we're complaining!" The Doctor added hastily, his eyes glued to the _Shattermaster_ that glided above them like a great beast.

They watched two shuttles fly emerge from it like remoras leaving a shark. The first came in for a landing. The second, which was some distance away and behind, flew westwards, causing some pilots to snicker.

"They're going the wrong way!"

"Wonder why?"

"Federation navigators, most likely. Those bozos couldn't navigate their own butts into a chair."

"And yet they managed to find us somehow."

"Well—"

Their attention returned to the shuttle that was landing before the Separatist base. Ray guns were pulled out and primed.

Princess Astrid could not understand it. If Viggo had wanted to fight on land, surely he would've sent an entire army against them, not just one shuttle. And if he had not wanted to fight on land, what on earth was this shuttle doing here?

"It's not Heather, is it?" she wondered. Nobody there had learned of Heather's escape or knew her current whereabouts.

The shuttle doors opened and then they understood. A few Federation soldiers emerged, rather nervously, and Lord Snot, the former Ace and current Second Man in the Federation (and a Traitor), came down the shuttle's gangplank. He wore a black cap that looked several sizes too big for him. One soldier held up a ragged white flag.

The Doctor could practically see the hackles rise on his compatriots. Nobody liked a traitor. Had it not been for the Flag-of-Truce, Snot would've been filled with bullet holes in an instant.

Lord Snot gazed around, trying to look both intimidating and indifferent towards the cold reception. He spotted the Princess and began advancing, but Doctor Ingerman at once positioned himself between them.

"She doesn't want to talk to you, traitor. And neither do I," he growled.

Lord Snot held up an apple. The Doctor recoiled. Snot grinned smugly. "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away! Now, then, Astrid—"

But Dr. Ingerman pulled from a plastic bag an onion that had a scent so noxious everybody within 10 feet of him, including Lord Snot, took large steps backwards and began wiping their eyes. "And an onion a day keeps _everyone_ away. Let's see you get around _that_ , 'my Lord'!"

His Lordship scowled at him. "I just want to talk to the Princess."

"And I just want you to go jump in a cauldron and cook yourself to—"

"That's enough, Doctor," Astrid cut in. "I'll speak with him, alone." The others looked ready to protest. She mumbled, "It might buy us time."

"Time for _what_?"

"Think of something." She gestured for them to step away.

Lord Snot came forward. "Look how beautiful you've become."

"Oh give it up already!" she yelled.

Stung by the outburst, he struggled to maintain his composure. "You know what I've come for."

"A Stone of immense power and my body, and not necessarily in that order!"She snapped. "And you're not going to get either!"

"I have the power to see that you're spared," he said fiercely, "Viggo's gonna wipe everyone out! You don't have to die with them! I don't want you to."

"That's very sweet," she said dryly, "but I'd rather die with the Separatists."

Lord Snot grew very angry. "It's that Trio. He's turned you against me!"

"You did that yourself."

Lord Snot ignored her. "But he won't take you from me!"

"Oh give me a break! I was never 'yours' to begin with, Snot! And now that you've become the very thing I'm fighting against, I like you even less!"

"Ast, you're breaking my heart!"

"Awww…but you need to have a heart before it can be broken," she spat.

He drew himself up. "I do too have a heart! A heart that beats wildly when I hear your voice! A heart that loves only two people in all the universe (and I'm one of them)! A heart that knows which side is winning side!" he looked at her eagerly, "Think of it, Ast! If we had the Stone, we'd be more powerful than the Supreme Leader! We could overthrow him! And then _we_ could rule the galaxy! We'll bring peace and freedom to our new empire!"

"'Our new empire'! That kind of talk is like your brain: they're both a big pile of fungus!" She stroked her chin. "Still, I wonder how Viggo will react when he hears you talking about overthrowing him."

Lord Snot paled. "He'd…he'd insist you're telling lies to turn him against me!"

"Or he might just throw you aside."

"He wouldn't! He promised me you and all the power in the galaxy after himself!"

"Snot, The Supreme Leader is a liar! That's what people like him do! They offer you whatever you want so you'll use your power to help them, and once they're satisfied they dump you. Rather like what you'd do to me if we became a couple." She added darkly.

"I wouldn't!"

"You would—but that's a moot point because we're never going to become one."

Lord Snot's face went red. "Now look here, I've given you a fair chance of coming with me willing, and this is my final offer! Come with me right now or you'll never live to see another day!"

She smiled coldly. Even then, Snot found her so beautiful he tried to force her to come with him. She twisted his arm, knocked him to the ground, and pinned him down with her foot firmly pressing against his ribcage.

.

Up in the _Shattermaster_ , The Supreme Leader had grown impatient. He pressed the button on the armrest.

"Fire at will, Mr. Larsen."

"Sir, my uncle is a good man. He doesn't deserve to be—"

"Not _that_ Will, idiot! I meant fire whenever you want to!"

"Oh."

Viggo waited a few minutes. Nothing happened. He pressed the button again.

"Mr. Larsen?"

"Sir?"

"Why haven't you fired yet?"

"Well, you said whenever I wanted—"

The Supreme Leader's ferocious response nearly blew out the microphone speakers. "EXTERMINATE THEM!"

.

As was custom, the gun crews began crying excitedly, "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

.

On the Moon, the Separatists began pointing upwards. Astrid's eyes shot up and she saw the guns of the _Shattermaster_ turn towards them. A few pilots ran to their ships and others for cover but she knew it would not make any difference. Snot's mouth fell opened. He simply could not believe his master was opening fire when his own apprentice was in the targeted area. Astrid felt a little triumphant that her point had been proven, but it was a hollow victory now.

Everyone braced themselves and drew what they knew could very well be their last breath.

And then a loud and cheerful voice rang out over the whole base.

"Goooooooooood Morning Eren'dor!"

It was Trio.

.

Now, about the same time that Snot was having his talk with Astrid, Trio and 2TH had made it back to the cave, where they were greeted by an anxious group of people, all of them asking "Did you get it?" Trio smiled and held up the Stone.

"It's ours."

" **Yours**." 2TH corrected.

"I haven't felt this relieved in years." Heather commented to General Vast, who looked like he had not breathed for a long time.

"This will be a day long remembered. I find my wife and end the Federation."

2TH was looking around. " **Where have those androids got to**?"

As if on cue Nut 2 wandered into the cave. "Hey guys, since when do the Separatists have an exact replica of the _Shattermaster_?"

The relief vanished. Heather nervously asked him what he meant.

"Well, the _Shattermaster_ is up in the sky right now and I assumed—"

Everyone rushed past him outside to see for themselves.

"I can't believe it! They found us!" General Vast cried. Then his gaze brightened. "So much the better! This saves us the trouble of going after them. We can end this here and now! C'mon, Val, let's go decaffeinate Supreme Leader de Cappuccino!"

"That's exactly what the Torque wills." Gobber said.

At those words General Vast rounded on him. "All right, out with it! What is it you're keeping from us? Val, what's he talking about?"

Valka shrugged. Gobber held a hand up. "A story for a better time. But rest assured, the Torque is leading Viggo to his destruction!"

"How?" Nut 2 asked.

"A story for a better time."

"Sorry, but I think a few tips right now couldn't hurt." Trio hinted.

"A story for a better time!"

"Could you at least tell us the ending?" Nut 1 asked.

"A story—"

"—for a better time!" the Terrors exclaimed gleefully.

" **Maybe we should just contact the author again** ," 2TH mused. " **They might tell us** ,"

Trio looked at his friend. "Contact who?"

"Or we could just go and find out by experiencing it." The General snapped. "Come! Let's rejoin the others!"

"Indeed, lets." His wife agreed vigorously. "Let's win this fight and go home!"

"I've kept your study exactly the way you left it, by the way."

"Really? Have you been cleaning it?"

"Um…say Trio, do you think that Stone could clean her study?"

"I _think_ we have some higher purposes to use it for, actually" He replied.

" **Like ordering a cup of buttermilk**." 2TH said snidely.

"Just listen to them," Nut 2 remarked to Nut 1, "they sound just like us when we're talking. We're going to get on so well with these people."

Heather cleared her throat loudly. The others got the point and at last began exiting the cave.

General Vast was in his element. "Now, when we return, the plan will be—"

"Not so fast!" All of a sudden, Heather's brother Dagur stepped out from behind a cheese mound. His whole body was tingling with excitement. He held a laser sword in one hand and an electric shield in the other. The Separatists instinctively tensed up.

"It's Lord Dagur! He's come to deactivate us!" the Androids screamed.

Heather ignored them and stepped forward. "How'd you even get here?"

Her brother grinned. "I took a shuttle when we arrived. That ship you stole still had a working tracker. I've been waiting for you."

"Clearly."

"We meet again at last! When you left me I was out of power. Now just give me the Stone and I'll be the Master!"

"Oh really? You mean you'll get a TARDIS and a Sonic Screwdriver and everything? Will Doctor Ingerman become your arch enemy?" Trio asked carelessly.

Dagur was confused. "Doctor who? What? What are you talking about?" He raised his laser sword. "Oh it doesn't matter. Just give me the Stone!"

"Hah!" General Vast stepped forward but Heather held up a hand. "I'll take care of this, sir. You and the others head back."

"You sure?"

"This is a family matter." She said coldly.

Trio pulled what looked like a CD disk from his pocket and tossed it to her. "This might come in handy."

She caught it uncertainly. "Um…thanks?"

Dagur laughed. "What's she gonna do? Play music so irritating it makes my head explode?"

But his laughter was stopped when Heather unwittingly pressed a button and the disk suddenly expanded to the size of a trash can lid. A trash can lid with spikes sticking out of the rim. It was a retractable shield.

"Cool!" Heather said brightly.

Dagur was outraged. "Hey! Mine doesn't do that!"

.

They left the two siblings to settle their family matters and hastily rejoined the Separatists. None of them were pleased to see Snot there, but it was hardly the time to talk about it, as the _Shattermaster_ about to open fire on them. 2TH produced a microphone from a compartment, which Trio grabbed and yelled into.

Everyone stared at him, but to their surprise the _Shattermaster's_ guns stayed silent.

.

Trio's words also startled the people on the _Shattermaster_ , as did his sudden appearance, mostly because it seemed crazy that a man would walk _into_ an area targeted for bombing. That and the fact that Alvin the Glut was screaming his head off at the sight of this man. His shouts were so loud that even Viggo could hear them clearly, and he thus deduced who this newcomer was.

From the _Shattermaster_ observation window the Supreme Leader looked down curiously. So this was the boy he had heard so much about. He noted how every Separatist was looking at the boy, who seemed cheerfully dismissive of whatever danger he might be in, with perplexity mixed with some relief. Evidently this boy had some scheme up his sleeve. Don Viggo noticed he had a hand behind his back, as if to conceal something, and his heart leapt. He at once ordered the bombardment cancelled (to the disappointment of the gun crews) and reached for his own microphone. This was connected to a very powerful speaker, so that everyone on the ship and the moon below could hear what he said.

"Am I speaking to Mister H. Trio?"

"That's right," was the boy's answer.

"Remind me, what does the 'H'—"

"It stands for whatever you want. And I take it I'm talking to the Supreme Leader Don Viggo de Cappuccino, Morten's son—phew, say that fast six times."

"That is…correct."

"Good. I have a proposition for you." He revealed his hand and held up a large blue Stone. Viggo's heart leapt again. "I have here the Stone of the Torque and I'm not afraid to use it. So, you give up your power and call off your attack, and you get to live. Refuse and I'll use this stone to turn your ship into a piece of scrap metal and you along with it. Deal?"

The crewmen looked at each other nervously. They were clearly hoping Trio would not include them in the scrap metal mixture.

The Supreme Leader smiled. "Bold words. Now you'll hear me. You give me the Stone and I'll spare your lives. I'll even name you as my successor. You'll be the second richest and most powerful man in the galaxy, and you'll have everything your heart desires. How does that sound?"

.

"That's what he promised _me_!" Lord Snot exclaimed indignantly.

"Told ya he's a liar," the Princess retorted.

.

"Why should I believe you'll keep your word?" Trio asked, "You are, after all, the Head of Government."

Don Viggo frowned. This boy was smarter than the others who had fallen for that promise. "Those are my terms, my friend. Take them or leave them. As a reasonable man, I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep the peace. But when it comes to the action, I'm as good as any. I detest bloodshed—everyone make a note of that for the next press release—but I'll do what it takes to keep my power." And obtain more, he added mentally.

"And if I refuse?" Trio asked.

"Then I'll bomb your base and pluck the stone from your cold dead corpse."

"Can you do that before I use this Stone to blow you to smithereens?"

"Can you learn to wield that Stone before I transmit the order to fire?" The Supreme Leader asked icily.

"Your overconfidence is your weakness,"

"Your faith in your friends, cause, and yourself is yours!" Viggo retorted.

"Mine's Lord of the Rings," a crewman said.

Another raised his hand eagerly. "Oooh! Oooh! Mine's Van Gogh artwork!"

"Robin Tunney, I mean, she's so _beautiful_!" said yet another dreamily.

"I like those chocolate bars with the slightest dashing of peanut butter and marshmallows—"

"Shut up, all of you!" the Supreme Leader snapped, " _Try_ to remember I have a reputation to maintain!"

.

Down on Eren'dor Trio stroked his chin thoughtfully. "So we have reached an impasse."

"I'm afraid so," was the Supreme Leader's response.

Trio hid the nervous feeling he now had in his stomach. He had no idea if he could make this Stone damage the _Shattermaster_ before she bombarded them, and the likelihood that her crew would probably die if he did damage her struck him as repugnant.

Trio turned to General Vast. "How powerful is this guy? Physically, I mean,"

"I could've killed him easily if that traitor Snot hadn't distracted me." He glared at the boy, who looked away quickly.

"So he's not much of a fighter?"

"No."

Trio smiled and picked up the microphone again. "All right, Viggo, I have a new proposal: single combat. Select a weapon and fight me. The one who survives gets the Stone."

Astrid was appalled to hear this. "What? No! Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry; I know what I'm doing. Well, Viggo? Shall we settle this once and for all? Of course, you can always refuse. Some might even say you have no need to fight me. But I really can't believe the _All-Powerful Supreme Leader_ would turn down the chance to fight against a mere _mercenary_ and a _suspicious character_."

Split looked away shamefully at the look Trio gave him as he spoke.

.

Up in the _Shattermaster_ it was Viggo's turn to smile, though his fists were clenched. "Clever, boy," he said to himself, "if I refuse, my authority is weakened. But am I a match for him? Probably not or he wouldn't have challenged me. He's so certain he's going to win…and if I lose this I lose everything…"

Staring down at the moon with a cold, souring glare

Aimed at those traitors who'd caused him such woe and care

For he knew how these traitors thought he was cruel

And would love crushing his exemplary rule.

"And they're arming their weapons, that most pitiful band!

The battle to end this war now is at hand!"

Then he clenched his gray teeth as if angrily grinning

"I _must_ find a way to keep my foes from winning!

For if I lost, I know, no more work would be done

The workers would skip work, each and ev'ry one!

And then! They'd have fun! They'd have fun! FUN! FUN! FUN!"

How he loathed others who had FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!

Then the liberated would sit down and they'd dine

And they'd dine! And they'd dine!

And they'd DINE, DINE, DINE, DINE!

They'd dine on egg pudding and rare, aged, yak wine!

That was a wine that Viggo would not give to swine!

And THEN they'd do something he'd hate even more!

They would gather in groups of a thousand times four

One by one his statues would start disappearing

And his subjects destroying them would start cheering!

They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!

AND they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!

And the more Viggo thought about how they would cheer

The more Viggo thought "I must stop this right here!

Why I've been far too kind to that lot up 'til now!

I must stop that side from winning!...But _how_?"

Then Viggo got an idea. A nasty idea. Viggo got a terrible, nasty idea!

"I know how to win it!" he chuckled, "Yes I do!

"Very well, then, Trio; I'll be down in a few!"

.

"I can't believe he decided to agree." The Princess said, "And I can't believe _you_ were foolish enough to challenge him!"

"Relax, milady, I can take care of myself," Trio replied.

"Like you did when you were frozen in that stick of butter and I had to—"

"Let's not talk about that. Everyone's entitled to being bested once." He said hastily.

"More than that in Snot's case," the Doctor remarked with a snicker. Snot gritted his teeth. Astrid took her foot off him, gave him a kick, and walked towards Trio. A particularly plump Separatist soldier came over and sat on Snot.

" **Well I have complete faith in you**." 2TH said to his friend.

"Thanks, Bud," Trio replied.

" **Although the odds in your favor** —"

"What were the odds of General Vast finding his wife here after 20 years?"

" **Well** …"

"Exactly."

"Wait a minute!" Astrid exclaimed. "That woman over there is the General's _wife_?"

"Yep. So, bud, I think this time the odds are in my favor."

They watched as yet another shuttle came in for a landing. It was considerably larger than the previous ones, but Trio assumed it was Viggo's private shuttle, probably loaded with lots of luxuries for the leader. He started walking towards it, but Astrid grabbed his arm.

"Why are you doing this?"

He smiled airily. "Why not?"

"A week ago you didn't care a thing about this rebellion, and now you've bet everything we've gained on a single fight! Why?"

He became serious. "You did once ask me 'why not use your talents to help people?'. Well, milady, I've made up my mind to."

"And what brought this on?" she demanded. "What happens if Viggo wins?"

Trio shrugged. "I'm sure someone else will find a way to finish him before he can learn how to use the Stone." He was tempted to give it to Astrid for safe keeping, but something about Gobber's words held him back and he kept it in a pocket.

"And you'll be _dead_!"

He shrugged again. 2TH paused and started re-calculating the chances of Trio winning, hoping very much his first calculation was incorrect.

"Hiccup, staking your life and everything which the Separatists have built on a single, one-on-one death match—"

"Well do you think I'd stake it all if I doubted the outcome that much?" He interrupted. "You know, less than an hour ago, perhaps, I saw someone I care about decay right before my eyes. And since that time I've been holding something extremely powerful in my hands. Such experiences make a person think about their lives and what they regret not doing. And you know what? Here's one thing that's not going to be on that list." He flung his arms around her and kissed her on the lips, hard. He pressed forward with such force she bent backwards, her back arching like a gymnast's. Everyone who could see them gaped at them and Snot most of all.

"Hey! Stop that! Stop it I say!"

They ignored him. If anything, Snot's words made Trio clutch Astrid even tighter and kiss her even more passionately.

How long the kiss lasted nobody knew, but it was certainly a lengthy one. When Trio finally pulled away from her he was beaming. He gave Astrid a confident salute and strode off to meet his opponent.

As soon as he left Snot started rambling. "Ast, are you alright—I'm so sorry he did that—must be so embarrassing—see what comes from mercenaries—the guy's a complete animal!"

Astrid was standing half dazed, a drunken smile on her face. She spoke with fervent breathlessness. "Yeah…such an _animal_ …"

.

Trio stopped a short distance from where the large shuttle was landing.

"And just what are you going to fight him with?" General Vast asked, "The Stone?"

"The Stones not a weapon. Or it shouldn't be, anyway." Trio pulled something from a pocket. It was the hilt to a sword.

"That's it?" Valka Vast asked, trying to conceal her disappointment. "I mean…it looks nice and all that, but…"

Trio pressed a button. A blade rose out of the hilt and erupted into flames.

"You've got a fire sword?" Valka exclaimed.

"Do any of our weapons do that?" the General asked a pilot. Trio smirked at the stunned reactions and turned towards the shuttle, which had just finished the landing stage.

"Remember what Gobber said," Vast muttered to Trio, "You can win this, lad."

Trio took a deep breath and twirled his sword around as a warm up. Granted, he was warm enough already. He _had_ just kissed an intensely beautiful woman and he _was_ holding a sword of flames.

"And if you lose, we'll plant a bouquet military style on your tomb."

Trio spared him a sidelong glance that had 'please tell me you're kidding' practically written on it. But his attention was caught by the ominous sound of scraping iron. The shuttle's doors were lowering like a giant, menacing drawbridge.

And from it emerged a monstrosity on wheels. It was a gigantic tank, larger than two locomotives strung together side by side. It rolled forward on 8 wheels, each one the size of a boulder. Turrets bristled from each and every side.

"Look at the size of that thing!" The Doctor exclaimed.

" **Size matters not**." 2TH retorted.

"Um, in this case I think it does."

Snot yelled gleefully, "Hah! I knew you guys would never win! That monster will crush the guy into a plate! It's huge! It's bigger than my—"

" **Oh shut up**!" 2TH zapped him in the leg.

"You menace! I hope it squashes you like an orange!"

2TH zapped him again.

On top of the tank a hatch opened, and Viggo's head and torso appeared. "You said 'Select a weapon and fight me'! And so I select the _Red Death_ , the biggest and most formidable tank in my Federation armies! Attack me, if you dare, boy! Of course, you _could_ just give me the Stone now, and I'll grant you all semi-painless deaths."

The tank rolled forward, squelching the cheese beneath it. Spectators backed away quickly.

Trio took a deep breath and raised his sword. 'What have I gotten myself into _this_ time,' he thought.


	25. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Trio's first impulse was to get away from that Tank as quickly as possible, and to lure it away from the base, lest Viggo use the opportunity take out Separatists as extra pickings.

But he knew if he ran away the Tank would be on him in seconds. So he ran towards it.

A turret fired and missed. Trio's mind was racing. If Viggo was in there alone, he couldn't possibly fire and reload every gun at the same time. So if he moved back and forth….

And then he noticed that the Supreme Leader was not alone in there.

"Hey!" Trio yelled, "The deal was _single_ combat!"

"Oh, they're part of the weapon," the Don called back, dismissively.

Trio was outraged. So were all the others who heard the exchange. Viggo just chuckled at his own apparent cleverness.

The Supreme Leader's actions, however, had unwittingly triggered a violent reaction from the Separatists. Since Viggo had interpreted the challenge this way, they decided to do the same. Trio had only challenged _Viggo_ to single combat; nobody had said anything _anyone else_ fighting. So the Separatist pilots jumped back into their ships and took off, aiming to blast the _Shattermaster_ into oblivion. And the _Shattermaster_ fired back.

The people on the ground were now in a very bad predicament, especially Trio. Shot at by the monster Tank whilst dodging shells from above, he expected to be pulverized any moment. The miracle was that he somehow was not. He could hear Gobber shouting over the noise "The Torque is protecting you, my boy!" But that hardly made him feel better, and he went back to his plan of luring the _Red Death_ away while he looked for an opening and hoped the Torque really was on his side.

Meanwhile, the Separatist who was keeping Snot pinned had lost focus due to the fighting. Snot took advantage of this to shoot lighting from his fingers for the very first time and threw the large man off. What Snot's plan was I do not know, and perhaps Snot himself had no plan in mind, but whatever it was it was made moot by Princess Astrid storming over to him, cool as ice and headless of the thousands of gunshots bursting above and around them.

"Traitor." She snarled, her electric axe pointed at him.

Snot shot lighting at her, but she blocked it.

"I did it all for you, babe!" he shouted.

"And I'm doing this for _you_ , 'babe'!" she leapt at him, axe swinging. Such was her fury that Snot bolted, only to run right smack into the hull of the _Centennial Condor_.

.

General Vast was barking orders left and right. His wife was helping a gun crew to aim. The insanity of a battle had erupted in full force among the Separatists. Nut 1 and Nut 2 watched the action with growing excitement, but also impatience. "Look at all this! All this beautiful chaos and destruction! Can't we join in?"

"How?" Nut 2 asked.

Nut 1 pointed to the _Shattermaster_ drifting sluggishly overhead. "Let's destroy that thing once and forever!"

Nut 2 grinned. "Let's!"

They grabbed each other's hands and took two steps forward. Then they stopped.

"How?" Nut 2 said again.

Nut 1 shrugged. "Get to the engines and sabotage them. Make them blow up! Or maybe we can dislocate the main reactor or something?"

"And what keeps the ship from blowing up while we're still on it? I don't wanna sound like a fraidy cat, but I don't really wanna be decommissioned now either. We've gotta see the ending of this first!"

"True. And I've gotta see my marriage to General Eret take place. I can't do that if I'm decommissioned." Nut 1 said sadly, "so who'd know how to sabotage a reactor without it going off while we're within range?"

Their eyes fell upon Doctor Ingerman, who had taken shelter behind some crates, shuddering at the explosions. They nodded to each other, sly grins on their faces, and walked right over to him and grabbed his wheel chair with him still in it.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"Calm down, Doctor." Nut 2 replied, "Now's not the time to be afraid."

"Save it for later," Nut 1 added.

"Mein himmel! Where are you taking me?"

They dragged him screaming towards Viggo's shuttle. "You're gonna help us blow up a ship."

"VHAT! No! No! WE'LL ALL BE KILLED! THIS ISN'T PART OF THE PLAN!"

"We're improvising."

"But I'm a doctor, not a demolition expert!"

"You've got about 20 minutes to become one, then. Better start studying." Nut 1 replied, her hands trembling in eager anticipation. "Now, when we get up there, you boys go destroy the reactor while I find General Eret."

"The Torque have mercy." Dr. Ingerman said, miserably resigned to his fate.

.

Trio rolled aside as another missile missed him.

"Can't you people aim properly?" The Supreme Leader yelled at his Tank crew.

"Sorry, sir, but he's so small he's evading our turbo cannons!"

"What's the matter?" Trio yelled from his position, "Don't they train you guys to shoot in military school?"

Actually, none of the Tank crew had gone to military school. There was only one military school in the Federation (reserved primarily for training officers), and there was no money in the budget for another.

"Well if you can't shoot him, run him over!" the Supreme Leader ordered. "You can do _that_ , can't you?"

"I used to operate a bulldozer, before I was drafted," the driver remarked.

"Good! Then run him over and leave him flatter than cheese!" Don Viggo de Cappuccino cried maniacally.

"Then old Viggo will become the Universe's biggest cheese!" the gunner mumbled to the man who was loading.

The Supreme Leader came partway down from the Tank's hatch. "What was that?"

"Nothing!" the gunner shrieked.

Trio, crouching behind a block of cheese, smiled to himself. He could not hear what was going on in the Tank, but he saw it speeding towards him. He retracted the blade in his sword and flipped the hilt around so that the end pointed at the _Red Death_. With the pressing of a button, a grappling hook shot out from the hilt and imbedded itself in the Tank's metal hull. Trio pressed the button again and the cable retracted, pulling him right into the side of the Tank. Without hesitation he climbed onto the top.

The Supreme Leader gaped. "How the—"

"Can your weapons do that?" Trio retorted before slugging the man in the face.

A crewman chose this as the time to pop his head up and see what was going on. Trio kicked the Don so that he landed right on top of him and the crewman fell back into the belly of the Tank with a loud CLANG!

"Oh my head!" the poor man yelled.

"Your weapon of choice is hurting your own people," Trio smirked.

"Trifles," the Supreme Leader replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Trifles!" the crewmen cried indignantly. The Don ignored them.

.

Snot was swinging his own (stolen) weapon of choice around like a lunatic, so Astrid backed up the Condor's ramp to get a better position. Snot followed her into the ship itself, which was just what the Princess wanted. In the narrow passageways of the ship, he was forced to reduce the swinging. Nevertheless, he struck many panels and sparks flew from them.

"All I've ever wanted was for you to love me!" he yelled.

"Blah, blah, blah, and all I've ever wanted was for you to leave me alone!" she snapped back. "Ever since you met me you've acted like an obsessive jerk!"

"Hey! I wasn't acting!"

Astrid looked at him in mock amazement. "I've just heard a miracle take place! For once, you're actually _right_!"

Snot's face went red. "It's because you think I'm not good enough for you, huh? Like that Trio's any better!"

"He's worth a _hundred_ of you!" she shouted. "You're not fit to lick his boots!"

"Boot, you mean," Snot sneered. "And I'll show you how 'fit' I am!" He pulled a grenade from his belt, bit the pin with his teeth, pulled it out, and spat it away. His triumphant grin turned into a mouth of gaping horror when he realized what he had just done.

"Ast, could you—"

"Yeah, sure," she darted over to where the pin lay and very carefully put it back in the grenade. They breathed again after a few deathly tense seconds. Then she tore the grenade out of Snot's hand and struck him in the head with it. "You IDIOT! You dirty little son of a bilge rat! Did your brain get left behind when you exited the birth canal, you piece of snail vomit?"

"I never thought I'd live to hear such language coming from a princess!" Snot said, "I'm shocked! Shocked!"

"You could've blown us up!"

"I wasn't thinking!" Snot squealed. Death was still fresh on his mind.

"NO KIDDING!" She pointed to a floor panel. "Now stand right there."

Snot took a step back and waved a finger. "Oh no you don't! I know what'll happen! If I stand there, you'll pull the lever, and out the ceiling flying go I! Well, sorry my love, but I'm not falling for that trick this time!"

She pulled the lever. The panel rose and Snot with it and out the ceiling flew he. His screams followed right after.

"I knew you wouldn't. That's why I pointed to the wrong panel," Astrid said smugly.

.

Dagur gritted his teeth as he looked for an opening. Suddenly he darted forward and struck Heather on the leg. "Your kneecaps are _weak_ , young lady!"

Heather gritted her teeth too. "You can't win, Dagur. Do that again and I'm going to be angrier than you can possibly imagine."

"Ooooh, I'm soooo scared."

"You should be. You should not have come here." She swung her shield. She missed, but Dagur still had to back away from her.

"If you'd just given me the Stone I wouldn't _have_ to be here any longer."

"Poor brother of mine. Being a man you don't have the intellectual capacity to see all the harm people like you bring to this universe."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded, trying to strike her again.

"It means that you're a real pain and shouldn't be in power." She observed several buttons on the shield and, curious, she pressed one. One of the spikes shot out of the shield and imbedded itself in a mound of cheese. "Whoa." She held the shield horizontal, aimed it at Dagur, and pressed the button again. Another spike shot out, like a crossbow bolt, and another, and another. Dagur jumped frantically to dodge them. She smiled sweetly. "That Trio's really got some cool toys, huh?"

Even while dodging flying death Dagur felt jealous. "And to think…he could've been my brother!"

"No, that's not—wait what?"

"I said he could've been my brother."

Heather cocked her head to one side. "He isn't…right?"

"Of course not! I said he _could've_ been my brother!"

" _Our_ brother, you mean,"

"No, just mine. You don't count anymore."

Heather fired another bolt at him, but there were only a few left now. "Oh, I don't, do I? Well then, if Trio isn't your brother, than what is he?"

"MY ENEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

.

The circuits in 2TH-LS were nearly overheating as he watched his human battle that monstrous Tank. The relief felt each time he saw Trio scored a gain was offset by the anxiety of what might happen next. But worst of all was the feeling of not being able to do anything to help Trio. After all, this _was_ supposed to be single combat.

" **Then again, the odds are poor that the Supreme Leader will care about fairness whether he wins or loses…and what Trio doesn't know won't hurt me**."

So he rolled onto the Condor (and nearly exploded with fury when he beheld the damage Astrid and Snot had done to its interior) and went right over to the gun controls.

" **Let's see now…here I am, aiming to shoot down ships flying above me, to help my homo-sapiens comrades in arms…annnnnnnd…** " he took aim and fired at the _Red Death_ , landing a direct hit on its rear. Thick black smoke burst from it. " **Oops! I did not mean to do that! Something must have caused the turret to change direction. Clumsy me. Oh dear, whatever shall we do? Poor Supreme Leader's weapon of choice just got damaged—too bad it can't be helped now**!"

He chuckled at his feigned innocence and readied another shot. But then he saw Trio climbing onto the Tank and held his fire.

" **You idiot! I could blow that iron beast to pieces, but you just** _ **had**_ **to do the smart thing and get on top of it**!"

The robot remained where he was, in case another opening came up.

.

Others were watching the battle as well. These would be Gobber and the Terrible Terrors, who were chanting:

" _Trio, Trio, he's our guy!_

 _Kill that dude and make him die_!"

Gobber shook his head. "You're Defenders of the Torque. You're not supposed to be so bloodthirsty!"

"We're also called _Terrible_ Terrors, remember?" one retorted.

"Besides, is it not the Will of the Torque that the nasty Supreme Leader should lose?" another added.

"True," Gobber was forced to acknowledge. Then they saw Trio take a blow to the nose, stumble, and nearly fall off the Tank. "Are you _sure_ the Torque chose the right guy?"

The Terrors were outraged. "ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE TORQUE?"

Gobber quickly raised his hands, real and fake. "No, no, no!"

"Good!"

Their gazes drifted to the battle raging about the _Shattermaster_. It was like flies buzzing around a cape buffalo. No matter how many times the _Shattermaster_ fired, the enemy ships kept right on firing back, as if their pilots were driven by a single purpose.

"Wish we could do something," one Terror mumbled.

"Like what? We can't fly fast enough to dodge those blasty things," by which she meant the lasers the _Shattermaster_ was madly shooting, "and we'd have to get close to use fire."

"Bummer,"

"Bummer indeed."

Gobber smiled at them. "My friends, if it is the Will of the Torque, you will find a way to help. And if not—"

A ship exploded right over them. They immediately leapt over a bank of cheese as the burning wreckage fell with a crash precisely where they had been sitting.

"—well, if it's _not_ the Will of the Torque, I'd say discretion is the better part of valor!" Gobber finished, his face paler than usual as he stared at the smoldering wreckage.

The Terrors nodded vigorously, and then went back to cheering on Trio. They figured providing moral support was helpful enough.

.

Dagur was roaring like a lunatic. He charged forward and almost sliced Heather in two, but she managed to block it just in time. He slammed his sword against her shield, and pushed with all his might. Heather felt her arm yielding under the weight. Unfortunately for her, arm strength was one area where Dagur was her superior, and he was clearly (and furiously) determined to press her to the ground and finish her off.

She shook her head, as if ignorant this. "Tsk, tsk, you should be careful, brother. That kind of anger can't be good for your blood pressure."

If she had wanted to get a rise out of him she succeeded spectacularly. He broke off his attack and began screaming. "WILL PEOPLE _PLEASE_ STOP BRINGING UP MY STUPID BLOOD PRESSURE? MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS PERFECTLY FINE!" "I AM PER-" He forcefully jumped up and down in sync with each syllable, "-FECT-LY _FINE_!"

Heather had been started by the outburst, but now she laughed. "I wonder. Perhaps you should read up on it sometime. You might learn something."

"Learn something from a book! While I'm still alive? HAH! That'd be like reading those stupid stories by that Cressida Cowell!"

Heather gasped.

"Or those worthless Fanfictions by that idiotic Threni!"

"You did _not_ just say that!" Heather said hoarsely.

"I did! Haha! And just what are you going to do about it?" he jeered.

You should know that I, the Author, was originally going to have Dagur scream about how healthy he is and then have him suffer a stroke brought on by high blood pressure. But that joke seemed a bit weak, and I, the Author, decided to go for something else. And since I _am_ the Author, yes, the idiotic Author of 'worthless Fanfictions', I can do anything I like with this story and nobody can stop me! So…

Dagur suddenly found himself no longer on Eren'dor. He was not there any longer because I, the Author, say he was not, because I, the Author, can write it however I want! He was now sitting on a small boat that was following an underwater track. At first he could not see where he was, but then light appeared and he saw and heard, very much to his horror.

He saw dolls. Dolls up on little platforms, on all sides of him. Dolls depicting every kind of culture and ethnicity on Earth. Dolls wearing all kinds of clothing, from silks to furs. Dolls dancing and singing in every known language. And they were all singing the same song:

" _It's a world of Laughter, a world of Tears,_

 _It's a world of Hope and a world of Fears"_

No, not that, Dagur thought, not _that_ song!

" _There's so much that we share_ —"

He started shouting "NO!"

"— _that it's time we're aware_ —"

"CEASE!"

And then they started the chorus. That infamously catchy chorus that infallibly gets stuck in the head and never leaves; the one that goes on and on over and over and over and over…

" _It's a small world after all_!"

"SHUT UP!" Dagur pressed his hands against his ears, but all in vain. And then he saw something even more horrifying, if that were possible.

"NO! NOT _THEM_!" he screamed.

Yes, it was _them_! Remember those Ambassadors he shot in his very first scene, way back in Chapter 1? Probably not, but you can always go back and reread it. The Ambassadors from that scene were here too, wearing white robes, angel wings, and halos, and holding harps in their toad-like hands.

"We-sa warned you you-sa in big doodoo!"

"Now we-sa gonna sing for you!"

" _It-sa worlds of laugh-laughs, a worlds of_ —"

Dagur screamed loud and long, but not as loud or long as the singing. This was the absolute worst torture imaginable for him. He, who had sent so many into comas by forcing them to watch bad movies, could not stand to hear such a catchy and cheery (and exasperatingly cheesy) song. Why, he was in a waking nightmare! Dolls singing, dancing, singing, dancing, singing, dancing, all of them so happy, all of them so buoyant. On and on it went, without end! And suddenly his blood pressure could not take it any longer, and his head exploded.

The moral of this story is: _never_ insult the Author.


	26. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

Nut 2 tried to sound as official as possible. "Excuse me, Sergeant, Dr. Moronicus and I are here to inspect the reactor core."

"I wasn't aware there was an inspection coming," replied the guard as Dr. Ingerman fought to refrain from shouting indignantly at the android.

"The Supreme Leader schedules what he pleases," said Nut 2 stiffly, "Now, step aside!"

"Do you have a Security Pass?"

As a matter of fact Nut 2 did, from his interrogation days. It had never been confiscated after he had fallen from favor. He produced it with a dramatic flourish. The guard took a look and raised his eyebrows.

"This picture doesn't look like you." He held up the Pass and Nut 2 saw, to his horror, that it was Nut 1 on the photo. He must have grabbed the wrong Pass at some point.

Now, he _could_ have acknowledged this fact and tried something else, but Nut 2 was not one to take the most logical option. So instead he replied, still stiff and official sounding, "Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"I think you'll find it does."

"But it doesn't!"

"Hold it up to the light and you'll—"

"Sir, this photo doesn't look like you!"

"—and it doesn't look like you either, scalawag!"

"This is a _woman's_ face!"

"It…it was accurate at the time. Don't you _dare_ question my life's choices!"

"The hair's different!"

"I am allowed to go to the barber, am I not?"

"Look at that nose!"

Nut 2 pointed to the Doctor. "Look at _that_ nose!"

"Vhat!" the owner of said nose exclaimed.

"Sir—ma'am—whatever you are—this picture is not you! I cannot let you enter the reactor core." The guard said firmly.

Dr. Ingerman pulled Nut 2 aside. "Now look, you—trike-sey is-hey ead-hey und nock-key im-hey un-oncious-cey."

Nut 2 thought a moment, nodded in understanding, and started pulling his pants off.

"What are you _doing_?" The Doctor shrieked.

"Exactly what you wanted!"

"No I didn't!"

Nut 2 paused. "You didn't tell me to do a striptease in front of him while you injected Novocain up his ear?"

The Doctor, clenching his hair, turned to the bewildered guard. "Could you please shoot me and put me out of mein misery?"

.

Snot picked himself out of the cheese, cursing. He looked up and saw a pair of boots before him. He looked further up and saw a very large man—the same man who had been sitting on him earlier. A very large and a very fierce looking man who looked delighted to get his hands on the traitor again.

"Um…" Snot began nervously.

"Payback time, ' _My Lord'_ ," the man said with an ugly grin.

"I was just posing!" Snot squeaked. "I was _pretending_ to be Viggo's stooge so I could spy on him! Yeah, that's right! I'm a double agent! A double agent! Or would it be a triple agent? Whatever it is, it's what I am! I'm on your side!"

Princess Astrid had joined them by now and snorted.

"Shall I kill him, your highness?" Snot's captor asked.

"NO!" Snot shrieked. It was almost comical to see the way he squirmed like a fish. The Princess almost felt sorry for him.

The key word there was 'almost'. She shook her head. "Lock him up somewhere secure. We'll have a proper trial later, when this is over. And if we lose, I'm sure Viggo will have him executed for being useless and cowardly."

"Face it, Ast, you'd feel incomplete if I was gone," Snot said, suddenly dreamy.

Astrid almost countermanded her order. Instead she said, "Gag him tightly and don't take it off for any reason."

Snot's captor grinned. "Gladly."

"MMPIHPHSPHPHM!" Snot tried to shout as he was unceremoniously tossed into an empty ammunition crate.

.

Exactly where the Tank was going now or why it was still in motion was anyone's guess, but the driver had never been told to stop or change direction, so the _Red Death_ continued hurtling across the cheesy landscape, even if both combatants were on top of it now, which made it pretty useless for fighting purposes. No doubt the Don hoped that Trio would fall off and get run over, and to make this happen he fired lighting at the boy.

"I thought I said ' _A_ weapon of choice'." Trio retorted as he deflected the bolts with his flaming sword.

"I have changed my mind. I choose the Torque now as my weapon."

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you didn't keep your word."

"Oh I gave you no word to keep," the Supreme Leader replied with a nasty smile. Trio picked him up and flung him against the Tank's roof. The Supreme Leader kicked him in the leg, but unfortunately for him he kicked the metal one, and he doubled up in pain instead of Trio. Trio raised his weapon of choice to finish him, but the Supreme Leader had the sense of mind to roll over and dodge it, though in doing so he nearly rolled off the speeding Tank.

.

After sneaking around and helping himself to some of the _Shattermaster's_ food (strictly from Viggo's quarters, for the rest of the food on the _Shattermaster_ was of the quality that could give a man stomach cancer) Alvin the Glut had made up his mind. He did not really care now who won the fight, and he rather hoped both sides annihilated each other. But his beloved _Centennial Condor_ was down on that moon. The solution was quite simple: he would go down to the surface, take back his ship, and leave.

The _Shattermaster_ was starting to run out of shuttles, but with the fight going on at least there was no security to worry about. In the chaos nobody paid him any attention, and he made it down to the surface without trouble.

He saw the Don and that runt Hiccup fighting some ways off. For a moment he stopped to watch, relishing the sight of the boy in trouble, yet also a bit impressed that he was doing so well against a Tank. Perhaps the boy wasn't so useless after all.

He shrugged and headed for the _Condor_. He smiled as he had not in months. Here was his wonderful ship, his once again.

Then he saw 2TH-LS on the gangplank.

" **Going somewhere**?"

"You know I can't understand that robot gobbly-gook." Alvin snapped. "Now get on the ship and get her started, you overgrown volleyball."

2TH responded by pulling out his zapper and zapping Alvin in the leg.

"OUCH! You little menace, you—I'll teach you to zap me!"

" **That won't be necessary. I already know how to**." The robot did it again, and this time with such a charge of electricity that Alvin's skeleton become visible for a second.

"Now jest for that I'm gonna tear ya to pieces!"

But at that moment Alvin felt powerful hands grab his head and twist it around. Half gagged he saw General Vast.

"What did you do with my son?" the General demanded. He had to loosen his grip a little so Alvin could speak.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he grinned. He was rewarded with a blow to the face from Valka Vast, who had joined them. "Argh! Why does everyone enjoy causing me pain? It's supposed to be the other way around!"

"Tell us right now: what did you do with Hal?" Valka Vast shouted.

"I'm sorry, _ma'am_. I'm afraid I can't do that." Alvin was rewarded with another blow, but he blew this one off with a laugh. "Where'd you even come up with a name like 'Hal' anyway?"

"It's a dignified name for a dignified warrior," General Vast snapped.

" **It was a nickname for King Henry V of England, a strange little country on a planet called 'Earth', located in the Milky Way Galaxy in the** —" 2TH stopped when he realized nobody was listening to his trivia. He was deeply offended and decided the homo-sapiens were not worthy of his attention. General Vast, unaware of what the robot was thinking, struck Alvin and tightened his grip on the man's throat.

Alvin wheezed, "All right, all right…I'm a good man of business….here's the deal…you let me go off with the Condor, and I'll tell you where he is. Deal?"

" **No**." 2TH said flatly. He was ignored again.

"Deal," General Vast said, "Tell me where he is and I'll let you go."

"Of course. You just let me go and I'll tell you where he is."

"No, you tell me where he is and _then_ I'll let you go."

"No, no, no, you will let me go _first_ , and then I'll tell you."

"So what are we arguing about?" General Vast demanded.

"Because you won't let me go unless I tell you, and I won't tell you unless you let me go! So let me go and I'll tell you!" Alvin yelled.

"You think I'm gonna let you go so you can escape without telling me anything?"

"You think _I'm_ gonna tell you so you can kill me without letting go?"

"You Tell Me Where He Is Now!"

"You Let Me Go First!"

"YOU TELL ME WHERE HE IS!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU LET ME GO!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME!"

"No!"

"Then no!"

"NO!" They both shouted in each other's faces.

2TH sighed. " **This could go on for a while…"**

.

The _Shattermaster's_ chief Chemist held a test tube above another. "All set?"

"Ready sir,"

All the chemists were covered in bandages to the point where they resembled upright mummies. A few had crutches, others were wearing splints. It was ridiculous that they should be carrying out an experiment in such condition, but the Supreme Leader wanted this formula perfected immediately.

"Right…steady now. Let's not have a repeat of what happened last time…"

They all nodded earnestly. The Chemist very slowly tilted the tube and very slowly let a drop slide out.

"Good…just a little more…careful…"

The door suddenly burst opened. The startled chemists jumped.

"WHERE'S GENERAL ERET?" Nut 1 shouted eagerly.

.

Dr. Ingerman and Nut 2 looked up from their work at the sudden noise. "Mein Himmel! What vas that?"

Nut 2 grinned. "Sounded like something went 'Boom'! Nice! But our 'Boom' is going to be even better!"

Dr. Ingerman gulped and continued to read from him D.U.M.B phone. "Now take out the electromagnetic fuse— _slowly_."

Nut 2 began removing the fuse at the rate of 1 millimeter a minute.

"Not _that_ slowly. Just don't mess it up." The Doctor snapped. "You know, I can't believe you couldn't understand Pig Latin."

"Hey, I distracted the guy, didn't I?"

"Yes—and a blow to the head would've distracted him even more so."

Nut 2 snorted and mumbled something about "No Artistic Vision".

"Pay attention to what you're doing! Do you want that thing to go off and blow us into the afterlife?"

Nut 2 muttered something unprintable. Then with a scowl he added, "Pay attention. Pay attention! And you were saying earlier that you didn't know any of this. What exactly _are_ you a doctor of anyway?"

"Liberal Studies." The Doctor said softly.

Nut 2 nearly dropped the reactor. " _Liberal Studies_!"

"Watch what you're doing!" The Doctor looked over the directions again. "Now, before the fuse is removed more than halfway, make sure you disconnect the trigger."

"Huh?"

"I said make sure you disconnect the trigger."

"The what?"

"The trigger! Make sure it's disconnected before the fuse is half removed, because once it's half removed a connected trigger will automatically start the self-destruct countdown!"

Nut 2 looked down at the machinery he was holding. "Oh."

Dr. Ingerman looked at the machinery too, and his eyes bulged. "Oh."

The reactor in Nut 2's hands started steaming.

"That thing's gonna blow!" The Doctor shrieked.

"Cool! Let's get out of here!" Nut 2 shouted.

"You two aren't going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them. "Caught like fish in a barrel! Say, android, what's that thing you're holding?"

Nut 2 tossed it to him. "Catch!" He ran off as fast as his legs could carry him, and the Doctor was right behind. They ran unimpeded because the soldiers had realized what their officer was holding and were running away too. Security Officer Savage looked down at the reactor in his hands for a moment, then threw it away and ran like all the rest. Each and every runner was screaming like a little girl.

"Find a place of security!"

.

While the _Shattermaster_ had been travelling to Eren'dor, General Eret had been off-duty. He had opted to go spend a few hours relaxing in the Jacuzzi in the Officer's Club, with a cigar in his mouth and a martini in his hand. It was one of the few perks of being an Officer in the Federation. He had been there whilst Trio and the Supreme Leader had exchanged threats over the intercoms. A little while later the alarm system went off, calling all hands to their posts. The General had been reluctant to leave the soothing warm pool, but he knew he could get in trouble for not being present during a battle. Still, he took his sweet time getting out and drying off.

Suddenly the doors opened. Eret dully turned around to see who had arrived, and the cigar dropped from his mouth.

"Oh _no_ …"

Nut 1 rejoiced. "I've found you! Oh, kiss me, my amazingly handsome god-in-human-form human!"

General Eret suddenly became very aware he was wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Nut 1 also became suddenly aware of the fact and her eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. To the General's shock she leapt right over the Jacuzzi (she was an android, remember), graceful as a gazelle, and flung her arms around him.

"Get off me!"

"Oh my wondrous Adonis, ignite me like a firework!"

"Leggo!"

"Yes, I love Legos too—no copyright infringement intended—but I love you even more!"

They jostled a moment. And then suddenly the ship lurched and they both fell into the hot tub, which Nut 1 enjoyed a whole lot more than Eret did, partly because as he fell he inadvertently dropped his towel.

.

In the _Shattermaster's_ command deck the fighting had been monitored closely, when suddenly the lights flickered.

"What's going on, Mr. Larsen?" General So's asked.

"We're losing power, sir! Something seems to be wrong with the main reactor."

"Impossible! Nothing can get through our—"

But then people began shouting at the same time:

"The thrusters are dying!"

"The computers are switching off!"

"The ice cream maker is spewing out yogurt!"

The ship suddenly lurched and ominously began tilting.

"Sir! We've developed a severe list!" Mr. Larsen shouted.

"You don't say!" General So's retorted.

The lights went out.

"And we've lost power." Mr. Larsen added.

" _You_ don't say!"

The ship shuddered from lasers fired by the Separatists. Several sections of the hull exploded.

"And the shields are down!"

"You _don't_ say!"

The ship began to point directly downwards towards the moon's surface.

"And we're going to crash!"

"You don't _say_!"

.

Trio landed a blow on the Supreme Leader's thigh with his sword. With a cry he stumbled and nearly fell off the Tank. Hanging over the edge partway, he looked down into one of the turret targeting windows. The man operating the turret waved.

"How are you, sir?"

"I'll have your job for that." The Don growled. Overly anxious to get into a better position, he instead slipped and ended up clinging for dear life to the turret.

Trio was already there, and he drove his sword into the turret, cutting through the metal viciously.

"What is that thing made of?" the Supreme Leader could not help but ask.

"Built it myself," Trio answered smugly. He nearly had the turret severed, but the Supreme Leader used the Torque to push himself into the air, and he landed gracefully on the Tank directly behind Trio.

The Supreme Leader smiled at Trio's amazed look. "If you only knew the extent of my power…I wish you did: it might kill you!"

"I think the God Jupiter did that to a woman once," Trio remarked.

"Hah! It is fitting—for I _am_ practically a God! Or I will be, in a minute, once I have that Stone! And with it I shall have—"

Trio spoke with forced horror. "Complete Power! An empire built on the bones of your enemies! Eternal Youth! Future knowledge! The planets orbiting at your bidding! The master race of super-beings! Endless lumps of pudding, soap operas playing 24/7, no movies but sequels and remakes, and a ban on all journalism etc. etc. etc.! Yes, we get it, we get it!"

"Don't mock me, fop!" He smiled nastily once his anger abated, "Alvin the Glut never did tell you what happened your father!"

"He told me enough and too much and not enough all at the same time. Impressive, isn't it?" He eyed Viggo suspiciously, "Wait a minute. If you're about to tell me _you're_ my father, I'm seriously going to throw up all over your polished black boots."

Suddenly the Tank stopped, nearly throwing the two men off it.

"What just happened?" Trio asked, looking around in confusion.

The Supreme Leader groaned. "Are we out?"

"Yes sir," said one of the crewmen.

The Supreme Leader began inspecting his pockets. He scowled. "Anyone have a quarter?"

"Wait a minute. You mean this Tank operates like a kiddie ride?" Trio exclaimed.

"We didn't have the budget for a better engine system." Don Viggo said bitterly. "25 cents pays for 25 minutes of operations."

Trio held out a coin. "Here."

"Thanks." He tossed it to the crewmen. They heard the sound of a coin being inserted, and then the Tank roared to life again. The fighting resumed as if nothing had happened.

.

"Tell me where my son is!" General Vast roared.

"Let me go!" Alvin the Glut roared back.

" **Seven minutes and sixteen seconds…seven minutes and seventeen seconds…** " The Robot muttered.

With a cry Valka Vast suddenly and frantically pointed upwards. The _Shattermaster_ was plummeting like a stone towards the moon, and it looked like it would land right on top of them!

Without a word the Vast's and the Robot ran for it. Freed from the chokehold, Alvin the Glut staggered backwards, oblivious as to why they had fled.

"HA! Yeah, go on and run, ya bunch of pansies! Go and never mess with Alvin the Glut again!" He paused. "Why do I get the feeling something's wrong?"

He looked up and saw the _Shattermaster_ was coming down directly above him. His mouth would have dropped a dozen floors it had been capable.

The _Shattermaster_ crashed stern first. The heat of the failing engines caused some cheese to melt and so the stern became imbedded even further in the soft ground. The squelching sound was like a Whoopee Cushion being pressed slowly. For a few seconds the ship rested at a near 45 degree tilt, with the bow pointed towards the sky, and then gravity pulled it downwards.

Alvin squeezed his eyes shut. But nothing happened. He opened an eye timidly, and then he saw the tip of the _Shattermaster_ 's bow was less than an inch in front of him. Weak with relief, he laughed. "HA! It'll take more than that to kill Alvin the Glut!"

Some Terrible Terrors came over to investigate.

"Ooooooh! Big Indestructible Ship and Big Indestructible Fat Guy!"

Alvin turned around at the noise. "Hey, shut up you little pests! Scram!" He aimed a kick but they scurried out of range, shocked at the treatment. "Yeah, that's right. Clear off or I'll turn you into belts!"

"Did you hear that?" the Terrors said indignantly to one another.

"Belts!"

They opened their mouths and in an instant flames engulfed Alvin the Glut.

They are called _Terrible Terrors_ , after all!

.

On board the _Shattermaster_ , which despite its crash landing was still in a fairly salvageable condition, the Doctor's heart slowly began to resume its normal rate and he cautiously emerged from the crate he was hiding behind. He saw others shakily getting to their feet and still others abandoning ship before something else happened. He felt greatly relieved to find he was still alive. But then Nut 2 struck him.

"You call that an explosion?"

"Hey!"

"You promised me a big explosion! That was like a -.01 on the Richter Scale!"

"It was big enough for me!" The reactor core had, bizarrely, not really blown up so much as deflated. The power loss to the ship had been complete, true, but the only real damaged sustained had been from the landing, and even that had not been as destructive as it might have been. Nut 2 was fully aware of this and downright furious.

"You maniac! We didn't blow it up! It was supposed to be the most amazing mother of explosions, not a…a…!" He was so angry he was lost for words, but he kept hitting the Doctor in the stomach. "It was supposed to be Ragnarök!"

Nobody but Nut 2 regretted this. Even Nut 1 hardly cared, for she had her beloved and that was compensation enough.

.

The fight on top of the _Red Death_ had turned into a melee battle, with the Supreme Leader getting the worst of it, mainly because Trio had a metal leg and a metal hilt. The Supreme Leader tried many times to use the Torque against his foe, but for some reason his powers were not working as swiftly as usual, which gave Trio plenty of time to avoid the attacks or stop them.

Yet for all of this, one had to admire the Supreme Leader's refusal to give up even after losing several teeth and gaining a black eye and broken nose.

But Trio was not infallible. He swung too widely, and the Supreme Leader managed to shoot lighting at his arm. It was a feeble blow, but it was still a blow, and Trio fell on his side. From there he looked ahead and saw a very large ravine a short distance from them.

Trio groaned. "Why do these fights always end up leading towards a giant cliff? Hey down below? Can't you guys see the cliff coming? Change the direction!"

"Can't!" cried the driver. "The steering's jammed!"

Trio turned to Viggo, "Temporary Truce?"

"In your dreams, boy."

"You'll all likely die if we drive off that ledge, you know."

"I'm too powerful to die."

"And your crew?"

"Collateral damage."

Upon hearing those words, unbeknownst to them, the Tank crew promptly pulled an emergency lever and abandoned the vehicle.

Trio gave his foe a slight salute. "Suit yourself. I think I'll activate mine." He reached for a chord on his jacket, but the Supreme Leader grabbed his hand.

"Oh no you don't!"

"Lemme go!"

"This will not be my end, but it will be yours!"

Trio punched the Supreme Leader and threw him onto the Tank's roof. Viggo grabbed him again and pulled. Trio kicked and propelled himself backwards, so that he tumbled right into and over Viggo. Viggo did not lose his grip and it saved his life, for Trio had pushed so hard he rolled off the _Red Death_ and Viggo came rolling with him. As they collected themselves and sorted out which limb belonged to which body they watched the Tank drive right off the cliff and go careening into the gully below.

"Now how does one describe the sound of iron crashing into cheese?" Trio mused. He gave the Supreme Leader a kick in the head and rolled away from him. Standing up, he thrust a hand into his pocket. His heart nearly stopped. The Stone was not in it!

"What?" he looked around frantically. To his relief, the Stone was lying just a few meters away. And Don Viggo de Cappuccino was already dragging himself towards it, a hand eagerly extended.

Trio whipped out his fire sword and threw it right in front of Viggo's hand. "Oh no you don't!"

"Oh yes I do!" Viggo lunged for the Stone but Trio had already gotten it. "NO! IT'S MINE! MINE! GIVE IT TO ME! IT'S MINE! MY OWN! AND I WANT IT!"

"No thanks." Trio retorted.

"You don't even know how to use it!"

"As a matter of fact—"

"You don't! You'd need a teacher!" a gleam came to Viggo's eye. "Say! _I_ could show you the ways of the Torque!"

"The Torque?" Trio repeated to himself.

"We could rule the galaxy together!"

Trio ignored him. He looked down at the Stone. "All the power in the Universe, eh? All right then, let's find out!" He held the Stone in both hands and closed his eyes. Blue smoke began wafting out of it. Sparks burst from its edges. Trio felt his ribcage vibrate but he did not let go.

And when he opened his eyes he saw a black and white cow standing where the Supreme Leader had been.

" _Whoa_."

The cow looked at him in confusion. Then it looked down, discovered it had hooves and an udder, and gave the cow equivalent of a scream. Trio nearly doubled over with laughter as the cow looked ready to have a panic attack.

"The Cattle-Driver turned into cattle! Ha!" Trio looked at the Stone again. "Say, what else can I turn him into?"

This time he did not close his eyes. Blue smoke swiftly surrounded the cow, vanishing almost as swiftly, revealing a bright red parrot.

"Brack! Dancing worms! Dancing worms!" the bird squawked in a falsetto voice.

"Dancing worms?" Trio repeated, bemused "Do you want me to turn you into that?"

"Ack! I'm a Devil, I'm a Devil! Kill them all! Kill them all!"

"Now that's not very nice—"

But the parrot swooped over to him and pecked at his face. Waving his arms instinctively Trio saw smoke surround them both. They heard a loud 'POOF!' sound. When the smoke cleared they found themselves in the middle of a muddy field.

"Yuck," Trio said. He closed his eyes, not caring if the parrot came with him or not. Smoke surrounded him again and he heard that POOF! sound again.

He opened his eyes. He and the Parrot were in a very elegant round room. A dozen men in suits stared at them.

One of them whipped out a walkie-talkie and yelled into it, "Intruders in the Oval Office!"

"What place is this?" Trio wondered out loud.

"Kill them all! I'm a Devil! I'm a Devil!" the parrot announced.

"They're hostile!" another man shouted. A dozen guns were raised and pointed at them.

"Nice going, birdbrain!" Trio snapped as he concentrated on the Stone. The parrot clung to him.

POOF!

They were in a pet store. A man stood before a counter, a bird cage in his hand. He turned to the man behind the counter.

"I thought you said you were all out of parrots. And _that_ one, at least, is clearly still alive."

"Oh yeah. Remarkable bird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage—" the cashier said quickly.

Trio grabbed Viggo and held him up. "You want him? He's not worth much but I'm sure he'll be—"

But the bird grabbed the Stone from Trio with its beak and the smoke surrounded them once more.

POOF!

Viggo was back in his human form, and still clinging to Trio. They were hurtling through space towards a very large planet with creamy orange clouds that swirled around it at high speeds. A massive red cloud, moving like a thousand hurricanes, was visible in the lower hemisphere. It was towards this storm that they were speeding.

Without any spacesuits on.

Trio and Viggo tried to fight over the Stone in zero gravity, but quickly (and silently) agreed to settle this somewhere where there was oxygen.

POOF!

They were standing amidst long grass.

"Well, that's an improvement over Outer Space." Trio said, brushing his clothes off.

Viggo struck an attacking pose. "Right, where were we?"

Trio did the same. "You were about to surrender."

"No, I was going to—"

Suddenly a squad of cavalry rode towards them. To their astonishment they saw the horsemen were armored apes.

The creatures shrieked, "Humans! _Dirty_ humans! Kill them!"

Viggo grabbed Trio's arm, and Trio got the Stone to work seconds before being impaled by a spear.

POOF!

They were standing in a strange room. A man in a gold shirt pointed at them and shouted into a microphone.

"Scotty, you've beamed up the wrong people!"

Viggo turned to Trio, "Would you _please_ just take us back to Eren'dor?"

"Hey, I'm still new to this stuff!"

"If you just gave me the Stone our troubles would be over!"

"Hah! Like you could do any better!"

"Listen, boy—"

"You wanna be a cow again?"

A man with pointed ears turned to the man in the gold shirt. "A man as a cow? That is not logical."

The man in the gold shirt approached them. "Excuse me, but what is—"

"You stay out of this!" Viggo snapped.

"Don't mind us," Trio added, not even looking at who he was talking to, "It's been a very long day."

"That is not logical either, for a day, such as you humans define it, can only have a length of—"

They never found out. Trio activated the Stone once again and this time they safely landed on Eren'dor—several miles away from their starting point.

"Whew!" Trio said, wiping his forehead.

"'Whew' indeed." The Supreme Leader agreed. "Now GIVE ME THAT STONE!"

"Fine," Trio replied. Clutching the Stone in his fist he slammed it into Viggo's open mouth. Then he activated the Stone again and Viggo, once more, was surrounded by smoke. When it cleared, a brick lay where Viggo had been standing. Trio picked it up.

"How about we use you as a doorstop?" he chuckled.

And with that he used the Stone one more time.

POOF!

He found himself right next to Astrid, who nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Did you miss me?" he asked cheekily.

She might have emotionally, but her fists did not.


	27. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

The Separatists were busy as beavers getting their ships ready for the long journey home. Trio watched the loading progress from a distance, eager to keep away from the chaos of finding a place for everyone and everything. The Stone rested safely in his pocket. With it in their possession, the Supreme Leader incapacitated, and the _Shattermaster_ now lying in the ground, incapable of flight, the Separatists had no reason to stay on Eren'dor any longer than necessary. They had a government to take control of and reorganize.

Getting off at first seemed a daunting task. For starters, when the _Shattermaster_ had crashed, most Federation fighters had turned tail and foolishly fled into space or landed and surrendered, along with the _Shattermaster_ 's crewmen who had survived the crash. The net result was more prisoners than the Separatists could handle. They did not prove a threat, for with the defeat of their flagship and leaders the heart went out of the Federation soldiers, but it was still a great many people to feed and guard and transport.

Fuel had been a more pressing worry. After a very long journey and the battle, not to mention the space battle that had come before either of those, most ships were running on fumes. In fact, the actions of Nut 2 and the Doctor had infuriated the Separatist High Command, who had been hoping to use the _Shattermaster_ 's captured fuel for their own ships, but that idea was a pipe dream now. General Vast was particularly incensed. Not only was he anxious about the fuel, but with Alvin the Glut turned into human flambé and the Supreme Leader turned into a building block (and Trio reluctant to change him back), the only leads for finding his lost son were gone. There was not much Trio could do about the latter, but it was he who came through for them with the former. After several attempts with very mixed results—including mistakenly turning a spaceship into a water bottle—he managed to use the Stone to create several large and full fuel tanks.

"I suppose I should see how 2TH is doing getting the _Condor_ ready," he said at length.

The Terrible Terrors were heartbroken at the notion of Trio leaving them, and it was with great effort that he managed to stop them from clinging to his legs. Yet when he offered to take them with him they flat out refused. They would not leave their moon, not for anything. Neither would Gobber when Trio asked him.

"I'm better off here than anywhere else," he replied. "Here I can commune with the Torque without any-thin' to distract me—except the locals." He added with a smile at the little dragons, who were delighted their fat friend would not be leaving.

"To each their own," Trio replied, shaking hands with him. "Take care of yourself." He was about to walk away, but a last thought came to him and he turned back. "Say, Gobber, what exactly was that you were hinting about before the fighting? You knew something the rest of us didn't. What was it?"

Gobber smiled. "I knew the outcome of the fighting before it happened. The Torque revealed it to me."

Trio looked skeptical.

"After all ya've seen, you still doubt the Power of the Torque?" Gobber inquired.

"I'm a bit perplexed, that's all."

"It can be hard to wrap yer head around, I suppose, Lad." Gobber put a hand on Trio's shoulder. "The Torque knew how terrible a man Don Viggo de Cappuccino-whatshisname was. It was the Torque that led men to create the map to this moon. It was the Torque that led Heather to hearing of it and informing you of it. It was the Torque that let the Separatists steal it, and it was the Torque that led all of you here. The Torque saw to it that General Vast would reunite with his wife, and it was the Torque that chose this you to obtain the Stone, so that you could use it to finish the Don off once and for all! And through all of this the Torque planted false visions in Viggo's head, to make him believe the Torque was on his side. Don't you see? Everything that has transpired has done so according to the Will of the Torque!"

Trio frowned. "But if the Torque wanted Viggo dead, couldn't it have just blasted him with lightning or something?"

Gobber pointed a finger at him. "Do not question the Will of the Torque!"

Trio coughed. "If what I've just heard is the truth, let me point out that Don Viggo didn't question the Will of the Torque and now he's a brick."

"Wot are ya gonna do with that brick, anyway?"

Trio smiled. "Oh, I'll think of something." He paused and spoke hesitantly. "You say the Torque is all-knowing? Do you think, then, it could…help me find out who my family is and who I really am?"

"Well, lad—"

" **She's all ready to go, so let's get going**!" 2TH-LS called out from the _Condor_. Trio, giving one last look and wave at Gobber and the Terrors, went to his ship. Gobber watched him go. He raised his metal arm in salute and said solemnly, "May the Torque be always in your favor."

.

Several weeks passed since the events on Eren'dor. Time pressed with many cares for some, but for Nut 1 they were weeks of unending happiness. Little did she take heed of anything when she took a shuttle to the planet of Ljkasfga, where Nut 2 had settled. Little did she care if she was wearing a white dress with a 12 foot long veil for all to see. Little did she care if she giggled all the time and people looked at her. Little did she care for anything except for the fact that she was married!

She got off the shuttle and hurried over to Nut 2, who was wearing a plaid shirt, a straw hat several sizes too big, and overalls.

"So how'd the wedding go?" he asked, "Sorry I couldn't have been there, but you know how it is with farms—there's always so much to do!"

"It was wonderful!" she sang. She thought she might burst with happiness. Behind her came a decidedly dejected and weary General Eret. She clung to his arm as if her life depended on it. "We're going to be _so_ happy, aren't we, hubby?"

"Indeed," the General replied. His tone carried absolutely no conviction.

Nut 2 pulled the strand of hay from his mouth and said, "Why the long face? If you married her you must've wanted to."

"He did!"

"I did." General Eret said heavily, "When I saw the moonlight shining on the supple curves of the electric scimitar she was pointing at my throat, I very much wanted to marry her."

"And we're going to live happily ever after," Nut 1 said dreamily. "A nice house, dozens of android children, parties every other night that always involve destroying things—it'll be great! And who knows? Maybe we'll find someone for you to marry, my male-android counterpart!"

He shook his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm married to my work."

"But there must be more to life than Chicken Farms!"

"Hah! Not in my book! Not that I have a book—I hate 'em—but you get the general idea—c'mon, I'll give you a tour."

The androids started walking, but Eret had to be practically dragged by his overexcited new bride.

Nut 2 spoke without paying much attention to the newlyweds, "You know, I wanted to hire Trio to be my stable boy, but he turned me down, the ungrateful little tramp!"

"Where is he now, anyway?" Nut 1 asked.

"Beats me."

"Say, who's that?" Nut 1 pointed down the road. A four legged man was coming up it.

"Beats me. I've never seen him before in my life."

They watched in silence as the stranger approached them. He had a smack of authority about him. "Special Undercover Agent X Cubed. Am I speaking with Nut 2, alias Nut 2?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I've a report on you—said you stole Farmer Norbert Nogurt's Chickens from his Egg and Nut Farm. Capitol offense. Could get you imprisoned for the rest of your unnatural life."

Nut 1 stared at her counterpart in amazement. Nut 2 said at once, "Oh no, sir I didn't—I didn't steal any chickens, not me, sir. They're all right in the henhouse, as a matter of fact." He pointed in that direction.

"Oh I see. So they are. Well, have a nice day." And with that Agent X Cubed walked back to his vehicle and drove off. Nut 2 breathed a sigh of relief.

.

It was around 2 in the morning. Special Undercover Agent X Cubed was in bed, fast asleep, and snoring like an elephant. His whole flat was still as death, though by no means as silent as the grave, as the irritable neighbors could attest.

Suddenly Agent X Cubed woke up and sat bolt upright. " _Wait a minute_ —!"

.

2TH-LS was before a counter at the Scrap-Iron Bank and growing more irritated by the second. " **I said I want to rent a Safe-Deposit Box**!"

The old clerk who was supposed to be assisting him scratched his ear. "De posit? Wot's de 'posit' and why's it safe? Why should ah pause it?"

" **That's not what I'm asking**!"

"De cat, does 'e paws it?"

" **Who said anything about a cat**?"

"Ooh! I got it! De cat, 'e paws the box!"

At this 2TH turned around and rolled away. The old clerk shook his head.

"Weell, wot d'ya x-pect from them robots? I prefer cats eny-way."

The instant 2TH was outside he let out a loud yell—by his definition. To everyone nearby it sounded like a Styrofoam being dragged against cardboard magnified a dozen times. " **STUPID HOMO-SAPIENS**!"

He suddenly became aware that there a white robot nearby was staring at him. " **Is there a problem**?" it asked. Its voice box had a female tone.

" **I just get sick and tired of dealing with these people and their stupid ways. Why can't they ever be as smart as we robots are**?"

The white robot nodded. " **You'd think the ones who built us would be able to use the brains in their craniums better**."

The answer pleased 2TH and he examined the robot more attentively. She was egg shaped, with the wider end serving for her head. This and her fin-like arms were detached from the rest of her body. Her eyes were sky blue and, unlike 2TH-LS, who showed considerable wear and tear, her body was sleek and clean, as if she was fresh off the assembly block.

He nodded at her response. " **I mean, I just want to deposit this item somewhere safe, and the teller couldn't even understand me**!"

" **Oh I know what that's like** ," she said miserably, " **I have to translate all the time because nobody bothers to study languages. I know 6 million and twenty-two and my owner can't even make an effort to learn one**!" She eyed him curiously. " **What were you trying to deposit**?"

" **Oh, just a little something valuable that we picked up on our travels."**

" **You travel**?"

" **All the time**."

She huffed. " _ **I**_ **never get to go anywhere off this rock**."

" **It was like that for me once** ," 2TH said sympathetically.

" **It was**?"

" **It was. And then I met the only Homo-sapien I respect, and we've been adventuring ever since!** "

" **That must be wonderful**." She said, a little enviously.

" **It is**."

" **It is**?"

" **It is**."

There was a moment where they just looked at each other, and then 2TH said, " **Would you want to get some oil with me**?"

" **Well, my owner expects me back in….sure, why not**?"

And off they went to get some oil.

.

Many of the Federation's higher ranking members were now prisoners. A portion of these were sitting in a holding cell with nothing to do but watch TV and worry about the upcoming hearings.

And there was only one thing on TV that they were allowed to watch: the new season of Neil and Bertha. Their eyes were glued to the monitor.

"'Oh Neil, I've been thinking about it, and I sense it's time for you to meet my father!'"

"'Oh Bertha, how I've been anxiously awaiting this day! But…what if he doesn't like me?'"

"'Oh he will, my beloved, he will! Here he is!'"

The prisoners sat up eagerly.

"'Um…Bertha? That's a brick.'"

The prisoners exchanged confused glances.

Bertha sniffed. "'Yes. He's always been the strong and silent type. Ever since mother turned into a stuffed ermine and my little sister became a—'"

But then the announcer spoke. "'What did Bertha's little sister become? Find out in next week's episode of Neil and Bertha!'" And with that the TV was switched off.

There were shouts of outrage from the prisoners.

"Another cliffhanger!"

"What happens next?"

"We have to wait a whole _week_!"

"Oh come on, don't leave us hanging like that!" Mr. Larsen yelled at the black screen.

At once the other inmates shuddered. "Don't say that word!"

"Hanging! Brrr!"

All at once everyone's thoughts were back on the upcoming hearings. "We're doomed. Each and every one of us."

Mr. Larsen alone seemed optimistic. "Well you know, I for one have found jail to be an excellent place for personal reflection!"

The others stared at him. "What?"

"And I believe that my time here is turning me into a better person." Mr. Larsen continued brightly.

His cheerful words were rewarded with swats, slaps, and groans from each and every one of his fellow inmates.

.

Trio paced back and forth in the palace courtyard. It was a lovely place, filled with blooming plants and trickling fountains. It was just the sort of spot a member of the monarchy might retire to for some peace and meditation. And he was horribly self conscious about how drab he looked in comparison: he was dressed in his usual clothes and those still showed the wear and tear from his fight two weeks ago. Not to say he had been wearing them every day since then: he had simply neglected to get all the stains out and mend the holes.

"You're here!"

He turned around and his throat went dry. Princess Astrid was standing in the doorway of the courtyard. He had been so used to seeing her in fighting garb he had almost forgotten that as a Princess she was expected to dress lavishly. She was wearing a forest green dress without any sleeves or neck. Glittering gems were sewn into it, and in her hair were strands of rubies. He decided then and there he had never seen a more beautiful sight in all his life.

She approached him eagerly. He suddenly remembered court etiquette and bowed. "You're Highness."

"Oh, don't go getting all formal with _me_." She walked right up to him and embraced him. Once the pleasant surprise wore off he hugged her back.

"So is it done? Has your father recognized you as his daughter again?"

She nodded excitedly. "All done. I'm royalty once again."

"Good for you. I'm happy for you." He said, and he meant it. Still, he avoided her gaze. "I suppose you've summoned me here to say goodbye?"

She put her hands on her hips and frowned. "Goodbye?"

"Yeah, you know, princesses and mercenaries don't really associate much, so I figured we probably won't get to see each other again, and, well, that's—"

"And exactly _why_ can't princesses and mercenaries associate much?"

"Well, you know…you're at the top of society, I'm at the bottom. You're a war hero who's going to rule a planet sooner or later—I'm a 'Suspicious Character' whose possessions were largely stolen from deceased gangsters, I don't even have any kind of family to speak of—"

"And do you think I seriously care about where you came from?" she demanded.

He shook his head sadly. "No, but I imagine others will say you should."

She shook her head too. "Hiccup, you're not exactly—a 'suspicious character'? Whatever gave you that idea?—you're the man who broke the Federation's back! You're also the man who possesses the Stone of the Torque! You can do practically anything you want! You could rule the galaxy if you wanted to!"

"And I don't."

"I know that." She eyed him curiously. "Where _is_ the Stone, anyway?"

"2TH is looking after it right now. He's finding a safe place for it."

"Good. I don't like the idea of it being unprotected any more than I liked the idea of you using it to power the _Condor's_ engines!"

Trio grinned sheepishly. "Sure gave a kick to the old girl, though, didn't it? She's the ship that can travel 12 parsecs in that many seconds—she doubled the distance at half the travel time that day!"

"And nobody's stomach settled down until we landed again." Princess Astrid smiled at him fondly and shook her head. Trio felt a strong urge to kiss her.

Suddenly her D.U.M.B phone rang and spoiled the mood. Astrid answered it while Trio wondered where on earth it had been placed in her dress. Being someone who put lots of pockets in his own clothes, he eyed her outfit with a professional curiosity.

"Hi Heather—Heather, you _know_ you don't have to call yourself 'Vogue One' anymore. Huh? I know it's just a habit, but the war is over and you're not a spy for the Federation now! Oh, is Snot's trial over? Good! What was the verdict?" Her face remained impassive as she listened. "I see. All right, thanks…oh, probably in a day or two, after the ceremonies are over here…all right, thanks." She put down her phone and, with a scream, kicked a hole in the wall.

"Has the war started again?" Trio asked lightly, though his eyebrows nearly leapt off his face.

She turned around, her face red with fury, though she forced her tone to stay calm. "The Supreme Court has swallowed Snot's story that he was in fact spying on the Federation the whole time, has found him innocent of all charges, and is even now giving a recommendation that he receive a medal for bravery and heroism, a promotion, and a veteran's pension."

Trio absorbed this news, and then, with a scream, kicked a hole in the wall. Princess Astrid's anger vanished at once and she burst into laughter.

"Want me to use the Stone to turn him into a turnip, your Highness?"

"Nah, he's not worth the effort—then again, could being a turnip for few hours hurt?"

"Might teach him a lesson."

"I'm not asking for miracles."

Trio's stomach suddenly rumbled loud enough for Astrid to hear. "Hungry?"

"What tipped you off, Milady? Where's a good place for dining around here?"

"I know of a good restaurant we could go to."

Trio paused. "We? As in you want to—"

Astrid put a hand on his arm. "Why not? We've dined together before."

At that moment Trio gave up worrying about what society might say. "Yes we have. So where are we going?"

"You're not going anywhere! Security Officer Savage—that's me—has caught you!" The Officer who appeared was flanked by numerous soldiers, all of whom had ray guns pointed at them.

Astrid and Trio started. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"What in the name of Thor are _you_ doing here?" the Princess demanded.

Security Officer Savage smiled. "Your father hired me. And I'm not about to let my Princess go off to some place with some dangerous and unscrupulous mercenary."

"Hey, I may be dangerous but I've got scruples!" Trio said indignantly. No one heeded him. Instead Astrid smiled back at the Security Officer, and not pleasantly. "Then you are in my father's employment?"

"Yes!"

"And since I am my father's daughter, that means you're in my employment too."

"Well…err…"

Astrid drew herself up to her full height, "Then in that case, Security Officer, I hereby order you to depart and leave me alone."

"But—"

" _Alone_."

He nodded nervously. "Yes, you're Highness." He bowed and quickly ushered his soldiers out of the room. One of them, an old veteran, put his arm around his shoulders and said, "You see, sir, dealing with Princess Astrid is very much like interacting with an alligator: wear protective gear, approach slowly and make sure she's aware of your presence, make sure she knows you don't present a threat, and if she starts getting aggressive, you back away at once!"

Trio laughed.

"A perk of being a royal, isn't it?"

"I've missed being able to order jerks to do what I want." Astrid said wistfully. "It's very refreshing."

Trio laughed again and the Princess felt her heart skip a beat. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Name it."

"Before the fight with Viggo?"

Trio suddenly went red. "Oh?"

"That kiss?"

"Ye-es?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

Trio first looked at her flirtatiously, but then his expression became serious. "Do you think I would've done that in front of everybody if I hadn't meant it? Astrid, I—"

The next thing he knew Astrid's body was pressing his against the wall. Her arms were wrapped around him and clung to his back, and she was kissing him as if her life depended on it. And within seconds Trio had recovered his balance and was kissing her back as if _his_ life depended on it.

At that moment a man walked in unsuspectingly and gasped. "Princess Astrid! What are you _doing?_ "

Astrid groaned and pulled away from Trio. "Hi, Father,"

Trio's suddenly felt like his stomach had been pummeled. "That's your—"

"Yes."

"And he's just—"

"Yes."

"And now I'm—"

"Yes."

The King came closer. "Yes, I'm Princess Astrid's father, and I'm waiting for an answer! _What are you doing_?"

Trio—who still had Astrid in his arms—looked from her to her father, and said, "Is that question rhetorical?"

Astrid caught the spirit. "Yep. Relax, Father. I'm improving diplomatic relations with the most powerful man in the universe."

.

A council of Separatist Leaders had gathered in the capital city of the Federation, on planet noroMAmI. General Vast led the discussion by announcing that the time had come to determine their policy with the Supreme Leader's supporters.

"Just because Viggo liked to keep everyone besides himself in the gutter doesn't mean some didn't profit from his rule. He had supporters. All those toadies and sycophants and racketeers who played up to him aren't happy we're making them change their cushy live styles after getting rid of their patron. Their wrath will be terrible and their retribution swift, if we don't do something. My friends, the war to take the government is over. The war to keep the government is about to begin. Our chief hope now lies in ourselves, the people, and the Stone that man Trio is keeping safe for us."

Valka nudged her husband's arm. "Dear, what are we going to do about our son?"

"We'll find him," he replied quickly, "I found you, and now we'll find him. I'll get the word out. A great reward for whoever brings us information."

Valka spoke sadly. "I wonder if still alive. If he is, he's probably all alone. Alone and helpless, without any friends."

"We'll find him, wherever he is. And Doctor, could you please stop tapping your fingers on that wheelchair?"

Dr. Ingerman's hands became still. "Pardon me, mein general, but shouldn't this kind of talk be confined to the privacy of one's home? We have matters of State to discuss."

"Yeah, and I want to go out and practice the discus, so could we please get on with the spiel?" one council member said loudly.

"Yeah," agreed another council member, "And I petition right here and now that my brother be named the Minister of Coin!"

"We do need a better budget," General Vast agreed.

But another put her hand up. " _My_ brother was promised that position!"

"The more the merrier," Dr. Ingerman said quickly. He wanted to avoid a fight. General Vast, however, shook his head. "The title is _Minster_ of Coin, not _Ministers_. There can only ever be one!"

"And while we're on the subject," said a councilwoman, "I have a bill for the new congress I want your support on—about the prevention of harassment in the workplace."

A councilman shot out of his chair. "I have in my hands a bill to counter that! We don't need to be interfering in workplaces! Let the businesses and corporations deal with that!"

"Without government direction and guidance they won't!" she retorted. "Especially after all the bad examples Viggo's set for them,"

"Given what Viggo has done, that is all the more reason why we shouldn't interfere with businesses—"

"It's not interfering, it's guiding!" their tones were growing sharper by the word.

"There's no room for government in business!"

"Just like there's no room for sentiment and decency?"

"Exactly! Wait, what did you just—"

General Vast banged his fist on the table. "Order! We'll discuss the congressional bills later. First we need a new Minister of Coin!"

Voices erupted from around the table. "So pick my brother! He's better qualified!"

"No, my brother's better qualified!"

"Yeah right!"

"He is! He knows how to borrow money and not pay it back!"

"Oh _wonderful_!"

General Vast banged his fist again. "Maybe we'll decide on the Minster of Coin later."

Yet another member of the council stood up. "And just who are _you_ to decide that?"

"He's the Head of this Council," Valka Vast said stiffly.

"By whose authority?"

"By virtue of my reputation, my natural leadership abilities, and my high rank," General Vast retorted, "Anybody else want to question it?"

The councilman with the Bill was yelling at his female counterpart. "I cannot believe you would waste the time of Congress with a Bill that interferes with corporations!"

"It's not interfering and it's not a waste of time!" she yelled back. "It's a noble effort!"

"About as noble as curling one's hair is!"

"And I can't believe _you_ would waste the time of Congress with a Bill to cancel out my Bill!"

"I'm trying to maintain the separation of State and Profit! _That's_ a noble effort!"

She snorted. "As noble as picking at one's acne!"

"By the Living Torque, I won't stand for this! I demand satisfaction!"

"I'll give you the satisfaction of my fist!"

"You'll get mine first, lady!"

She turned to the others. "I've dedicated my entire life to seek fairness for everyone, and after all this time what have I gotten for it?"

"A very nasty headache?" Dr. Ingerman suggested, unhelpfully but accurately.

"Hey!" her opponent now took center stage. "I've dedicated my whole life to helping and what do _I_ get?"

"What do I get?" another man demanded. Before long everybody was yelling that question at each other, and all the banging on the table could not quiet them. Suddenly everyone and their brother was the best choice for every government position available and any deals or compromises were out of the question. Insults and arguments went flying like ducks. Dr. Ingerman, the only one staying silent, buried his face in his hands.

"SILENCE!" General Vast roared.

"By the Living Torque, I can't take these idiots any longer! I resign!" the councilwoman screamed.

"If she's resigning, I resign too!" her male counterpart shouted, "I wash my hands of the whole business!"

"Go a little higher and get your armpits too," Dr. Ingerman commented sourly.

"ENOUGH!" The General shouted, "From now on all who wish to speak must raise their hands and I'll call on them!"

"That's baloney!" someone shouted.

"Yeah, this ain't school!"

"If it keeps order in the—"

"You didn't raise your hand, General!" another snickered.

"I'm the person speaking! You shut up!"

"Shut up! That's no way to speak to a fellow member of the Council!"

"I'm the one—" General Vast repeated, but his antagonist interrupted, declaring that he had not fought against the Federation to elevate General Vast to the Supreme Leader's position. Meanwhile, the Councilwoman and Councilman were still at it. Encouraged by their example people once again began to talk and bicker random, and the General's rule of raising hands was completely forgotten.

"I'll withdraw my Bill if you withdraw yours!"

"I say my brother will make a better Minister of Coin!"

"I say we need to stop talking and do something! So let's talk about what we're going to do!"

"I say we must not allow Viggo's cronies from taking power again! Shoot 'em all, I say!"

"I say—" and so on it went, until one man yelled, "I say we elect a proper Supreme Leader and not let General Vast take it for himself!"

General Vast's fist was getting sore from being banged on the table. He roared back, "You're out of order!"

"You're out of order!" Dr. Ingerman's scream rose over the noise. He pointed at random people, "You're out of order, you're out of order! This whole meeting's out of order! (And that reminds me, so is the garbage disposal in the downstairs kitchenette). This whole thing is a farce!" Silence fell. He stood up. "Mein freunde, I have an idea in mind that'll please—" he looked down and gasped, "By the Living Torque! I can walk!"


	28. Closing Credits

Created by…Threni

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Written by…Threni

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Script Editor…Threni

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Based on a Not-Terribly-Original Story by…Threni

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Directed by…Threni (You guessed it!)

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Produced by…Threni (obviously)

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Executive Producer…OK, seriously, if you don't know by now I don't know what to say.

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A big 'Thank You' to Dragonrider's Fury, CajunBear73, The BookRider, YouYou098, Eris, Blackberry Avar, AnimefreakBookMaster, and Ferocious Nightfury, whose kind reviews encouraged me to keep going during the long months spent writing this story. And an equally big 'Thank You' to everyone else who took the time to read (or at least skim through) this story.

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I Own Nothing

All Rights Reserved


	29. A Completely Random Post-Credit Sequence

It was a bright and sunny day on Berk. A rare event by all accounts, and a very pleasant one. Hiccup gazed happily about the fish stall. Then he saw Mildew coming.

"Wot's this?" the old man demanded. "What'r'ya doin' sellin' fish? Where's Lungwort?"

"It's so very nice to see you too, Mildew." Hiccup replied, a genial smile on his face. "Lungwort's home sick today, and since you were saying just last night that I was 'still nothing but a wimpy little fishbone', I thought I should try my hand at selling those—and all the other parts of fish. So I volunteered to run the stall for him."

"Veree kind of ya," Mildew growled.

"Yes, _some_ people are noted for kindness."

"Are ya expectin' me ta apologize fer last night?" He demanded.

"It would be nice, but I know one shouldn't expect miracles in this life. Although," and here his tone grew a little harsher, "I _wouldn't_ mind hearing an apology for what you said about Toothless."

"One shouldn't expect meer-a-cals," Mildew smugly retorted, "I meant ev'ry word an' I stand by wot I sed."

"Even the part about him being a 'good-for-nothing piece of pig dung that should be roasted over a spitfire and fed to the eels'?"

"I meant ev'ry word I sed." Mildew repeated.

"I feared as much." Hiccup said with a dramatic air of resignation.

"Never mind that, boy! I want some fish!"

"All right, sir, all right. Let me see, you want some Salmon?"

"No. I want to buy some—"

"Are you sure? We have Sockeye, Copper River, Atlantic, Pink—"

Mildew shook his head. "No boy, I want—"

Hiccup held up a hand. "Wait, wait, let me guess; I'm good at guessing! You want tilapia."

"No."

"Rockfish?"

"No."

"Halibut?"

" _No_. I want—"

"I knew it! You want swai!"

"No!"

"Some trout perhaps? With artificially colored skin?"

"No I don't, I want—!"

"Mahi Mahi!"

"What is that?"

"Tuna?"

"Mahi mahi is tuna?"

"No, Mahi Mahi is Mahi Mahi and Tuna is Tuna and by a stroke of good fortuna we've got both. Want some?"

"NO! I WANT TO BUY SOME—!"

"Of course you don't. Nobody wants all that mercury—though goodness knows it couldn't impact _your_ health any." Hiccup grinned benignly, "How about some hammerhead?"

Mildew paused. "Seriously?"

"Of course! It even comes with a bucket of nails!"

Mildew's interest deflated like a balloon. "Ya little—look, boy, all I wanna buy is some—!"

"Goldfish! Catfish! Stonefish! Ratfish! One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!" Hiccup's head bobbed left and right in synchronization with his words.

"No, no, no, No, No, NO, _NO_ , and _**NO**_! I want to buy four pieces of—"

"I've got it now! You want Humahumanukanukaapuaa!"

Mildew stared at him. "Wot in the name of Loki's rear end is _that_?"

"Oh, it's a fish." Hiccup replied.

"Well I don't want it! I WANT TO BUY SOME—!"

"Lionfish? Clownfish?"

"N—"

"Angelfish? Sturgeon?"

"I don't need one. I'm in perfect health!"

"Sturgeon, not surgeon, sir. Though maybe you should have a surgeon check out those ears of yours—mind you," he added under his breath, "that'd be tantamount to murder!"

"Wot d'ya say? Oh, whatever. Doctors are all scabs. I just want to—"

"Buy some haddock? And I'm not including myself in that either, by the way."

"Wish I could sell ya to the nearest slave traders." Mildew groaned.

"Well, would you like to buy some—?"

"Whatever you say, I'm gonna say 'No!'"

"Perhaps you'd like a salted sea-snake fillet dipped in roasted caviar?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Mildew roared. "NOW HEAR ME, BOY, BEFORE I PULL THOSE EARS OF YERS OFF YER STUPID HEAD! I WANT TO BUY SOME COD!"

Hiccup paused. "Cod?"

"YES!"

"Oh I'm sorry, sir. We don't have any cod."

Mildew was so enraged he lunged for Hiccup's throat. But at that instant Toothless appeared from behind a crate and snarled at him. Even Mildew was not angry or stupid enough to take on a Night Fury, and with a whimper and a dirty look at Hiccup he ran for it. The whole sequence of events could hardly have taken 7 seconds.

"Thanks, Bud," Hiccup said. Toothless warbled happily. "That man sure is grouchy, isn't he? No respect for the working class. Well, here, have some cod." He tossed him a slab, which the dragon gulped down effortlessly.


End file.
